The Fat Duck

A Environmental Health Inspector knocks the door of the Fat Duck

Inspector : Hello I'm an Inspector for Environmental Health, is this the Fat Duck restaurant?

Heston: It is.

Inspector : I'm after a Mr Henston Blumenthal.

Heston: Yes that's me. Come through.

Inspector and Heston walk into Fat Duck.

Inspector: I'm sorry I didn't recognise you, I was expecting you to be wearing a mask you see.

Heston: A mask why?

Inspector: Well I saw your menu outside. £13.50 for cheese and biscuits? Good way to rob people sir.

Heston: So you're here about the Food Poisoning incident?

Inspector: Yes Mr Blumenthal.

Heston: I don't understand it.

Inspector: Well I do Mr Blumenthal. I have to inform you, that we have had very serious reports of cross contamination from customers of this restaurant.

Heston: Cross Contamination?

Inspector: If I might give you a few examples Sir. Snails in Porridge?

Heston: Yes.

Inspector: Bacon and Eggs mixed with iced cream?

Heston: Yes.

Inspector: So you admit it?

Heston: Yes both signature dishes of mine. This is the finest restaurant in the country, not a f**king McDonalds! We serve unusual, different, quality food! And as you can see the kitchen is spotless. Look I'll even lick it.

Heston licks kitchen.

Heston: Ummm. That's pretty good, I might make that into a coolie.

Inspector: I see. Well, I don't understand it sir? Why all these recent incidents of poisoning?

The pair are interrupted by another chef.

Chef: Sorry to interrupt Heston.

Heston: What?

Chef: We need you to come and the taste one of the new dishes. We aren't quite sure we've got it right.

Heston: Which one?

Chef: The sausage and arsenic cheesecake.
End

"Heston licks kitchen"

News flash: This is a comedy site! Hello!! I hate to be the one to say this, but this sketch is not funny. Let me spell it out: t-h-i-s-s-k-e-t-c-h-i-s-n-o-t-f-u-n-n-y. Once again, I am disappointed. Once again, I find no satisfaction in criticising yet another unbelievably puerile, predictable, lazy, self-indulgent sketch.

Oh gosh-- I guess I didn't do, you know, that stuff and all. What! The thing is, I'm, uh, sorry. You know, sorry, sorry, sorry, etc, etc, etc. Is that enough? Oh, it cuts me to the quick-- that I have behaved like the brute I am. I am consumed with guilt. I have caddishly abused yet another literary talent. I clearly went beyond the pale. No one can feel this more than I - though I must emphasise that no actual penetration occurred.

I rather liked it but the puncline is perhaps not enough of a "break out." Maybe something more food poisoningish like Botulism and Salmonella? Or he bakes Gordon Brown a humble pie he can't digest?

Oh and comedies need to work on familiar themes means it's always going to be a bit predictable. And I like purile.

.
I agree with Sootyj, bigfella. Bearing his critique in mind; here's my 'take' on it:
________________________________________________________________________________

AN ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH INSPECTOR KNOCKS THE DOOR OF 'THE FAT DUCK' RESTAURANT. HESTON, THE PROPRIETOR, OPENS DOOR.

INSPECTOR: Fat Duck?

HESTON: Yes, that's me.

INSPECTOR: Environmental Health.

HESTON, BOWING TO AUTHORITY, USHERS INSPECTOR THROUGH TO KITCHEN.

HESTON: Come through.

INSPECTOR: We've had very serious reports of cross-contamination.

HESTON: Cross contamination?

INSPECTOR: Yes, from customers of this restaurant.

HESTON: My kitchen is spotless. Look I'll even lick it.

HESTON LICKS KITCHEN WITH THEATRICAL RELISH TO BEMUSMENT OF INSPECTOR.

HESTON: Ummm. That's pretty good; I might make that into a coolie.

THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY ANOTHER CHEF.

CHEF: Sorry to interrupt.

HESTON: What?

CHEF: We need you to taste one of the new dishes. We aren't quite sure we've got it right.

HESTON: Which one?

CHEF: The one I mixed in the toilet bowl - 'Faecal Treacle Surprise'.

END
________________________________________________________________________________
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I loved the 'Heston licks kitchen' line, but the rest was not very inspiring by your standards Bigfella.

Jonny2: I know the other posters have shown better judgement than me in just ignoring you, but if you wish to flame someone for being puerile and self-indulgent it might help if you did so in a way which is not exactly that.

Quote: Ponderer @ March 5 2009, 4:21 PM GMT

Jonny2: I know the other posters have shown better judgement than me in just ignoring you, but if you wish to flame someone for being puerile and self-indulgent it might help if you did so in a way which is not exactly that.

View original

I am sick with shame. I have behaved once more like the pure, puerile brute I am. It would be your right, nay, your duty, for you to ignore me. I am a self-indulgent insect, fit only to be squashed. It would be a praiseworthy action for you to shoot me like a dog. Say the word, and I will bite glass in apology.

Mr Ponderer: Some of us aren't as morally perfect as you, but if it makes you happy, here goes - (takes deep breath) - I'm sorry.

Jeez, people can be so touchy. Get a sense of humour - Oops! I forgot.

Quote: jonny2 @ March 5 2009, 12:59 PM GMT

Oh gosh-- I guess I didn't do, you know, that stuff and all. What! The thing is, I'm, uh, sorry. You know, sorry, sorry, sorry, etc, etc, etc. Is that enough? Oh, it cuts me to the quick-- that I have behaved like the brute I am. I am consumed with guilt. I have caddishly abused yet another literary talent. I clearly went beyond the pale. No one can feel this more than I - though I must emphasise that no actual penetration occurred.

View original

Hush now Mr Johnny2. You're really not that important.

Quote: jonny2 @ March 5 2009, 12:59 PM GMT

News flash: This is a comedy site! Hello!! I hate to be the one to say this, but this sketch is not funny. Let me spell it out: t-h-i-s-s-k-e-t-c-h-i-s-n-o-t-f-u-n-n-y. Once again, I am disappointed. Once again, I find no satisfaction in criticising yet another unbelievably puerile, predictable, lazy, self-indulgent sketch.

View original

Don't get what's self-indulgent about it. You've made your point, now enough, please?

Quote: Huge Bear @ March 5 2009, 8:05 PM GMT

Hush now Mr Johnny2. You're really not that important.

View original

The fact that you posted the above, proves that I am 'that important' - to you at least. Thank you.

Quote: Balf @ March 5 2009, 8:16 PM GMT

Don't get what's self-indulgent about it. You've made your point, now enough, please?

View original

Quite right, Balf. Enough.

Quote: Huge Bear @ March 5 2009, 8:05 PM GMT

Hush now Mr Johnny2. You're really not that important.

View original

And so similar to someone who was recently banned?!

Quote: Huge Bear @ March 5 2009, 8:05 PM GMT

Hush now Mr Johnny2. You're really not that important.

View original

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ March 6 2009, 7:20 AM GMT

And so similar to someone who was recently banned?!

View original

That's what I was thinking, Geoff.

Quote: jonny2 @ March 5 2009, 6:08 PM GMT

I am sick with shame. I have behaved once more like the pure, puerile brute I am. It would be your right, nay, your duty, for you to ignore me.

View original

I don't have to ignore you I'll just ban you.

Either change your attitude or I can show you the door mate - consider this a warning.

Good Day

And I liked the sketch it's no dead parrot but I smiled.

He'll only use his other account! It's fairly obvious who he is. The 'style' gives him away.

Quote: Simon B @ March 6 2009, 12:20 PM GMT

He'll only use his other account! It's fairly obvious who he is. The 'style' gives him away.

View original

We're looking into it Simon don't worry...