513

Thinking of filming this, so any comments/ improved lines etc appreciated.

EXT. STREET. DAY

THE 'TV 118 118' ADVERT MEN WALK DOWN THE STREET. ANOTHER DIRECTORY ENQUIRY PAIR, THE '118 513' BOYS (BOTH WITH NUMBER BIBS PINNED ON THEIR CHEST) ARE QUEUING OUTSIDE THE DOLE OFFICE.

NON TV 118:
Don't look. Don't look. [118 118 CLOCK THEM] Just ignore them.

118:
Here, haven't got your number mate! Eh! Haven't got your number. See what I did there, yeah? [SMUG LAUGHTER, THEN THEY EXIT]

513:
Yeah piss off!

'NON TV 118' HOLDS BACK 513.

NON TV 118:
They're not worth it.

513:
If it wasn't for me......

NON TV 118:
Don't start that again.

513:
I mean look at you with your crazy hair. And hilarious moustache. We'd have made if it wasn't for me.

NON TV 118:
Listen. We were in this together. And we still are. Come on, come here [MOTIONS FOR A CUDDLE BUT 513 IS VISIBLY UPSET]

513:
Sorry. [RUNS OFF]

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET/ ROOF. DAY

SERIES OF SHOTS OF A DESPONDENT 513 STROLLING THE STREETS. MELANCHOLY MUSIC ETC.

FINAL SHOT IS OF 513 ON A ROOFTOP. HE APPROACHES THE EDGE AND GAZES DOWN AT THE DISTANT GROUND. 513 TAKES A WEARY BREATH BUT, JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP, LOOKS ACROSS. THERE'S AN OLD MAN CONTEMPLATING THE JUMP TOO. 513 APPROACHES.
MAN TURNS TO HIM. IT'S 192 (A 192 NUMBER BIB IS PINNED ON HIS CHEST.)

513:
You're.....

192:
Nigel.

513:
192. The original.

192:
[LOOKS DOWN AT HIS BIB] 192? I haven't heard that name since....

513:
You were my hero! The reason I became 513.

192:
Well I'm not a number anymore. And if it's any consolation. I'm sorry. [BEAT] There's nothing left for numbers like you and me. We're just…

513:
Another number?

192 NODS THEN TAKES 513'S HAND. EMOTIVE MUSIC SWELLS. JUST AS THEY REACH THE EDGE, 513 LETS GO OF 192 WHO DROPS TO EARTH WITH A THUD.

IN THE DISTANCE THERE'S AN ADVERTISING HOARDING - " PIZZAS R US - TEXT - 513 118"

513:
Back in the game!

END OF SKETCH

Sweet potato pie!

I had to read it a couple of times (it's not easy to follow given all the 513/118/NON TV 118 nomenclature) but now I understand it I'm behind it. Go shoot it I say. And let me know if you need someone to play the guy with the crazy hair. I got that shit in spades.

This is good once you find your way through it, and that obviously won't be a problem in the filmed version. The only glitch I noticed was the 'I'm not a number anymore' which I thought was a very good line, followed by 'we're just another number' which is a bit of a contradiction unless I've missed soemthing

Thanks for struggling through! Appreciate it doesn't scan too well. Edited a couple of times but the 'NON TV 118' is the best I've come up with. Bussell, as you can imagine, there's literally a queue of A listers up for the parts. But you may very well get the nod. How can we get your megafone in this?

Ponderer - thanks. I agree. There's probably a better line, or maybe they should jump immeditely after - 'There's nothing left for numbers like you and me.'

Quote: Simon B @ March 5 2009, 12:24 PM GMT

Thanks for struggling through! Appreciate it doesn't scan too well. Edited a couple of times but the 'NON TV 118' is the best I've come up with. Bussell, as you can imagine, there's literally a queue of A listers up for the parts. But you may very well get the nod. How can we get your megafone in this?

Ponderer - thanks. I agree. There's probably a better line, or maybe they should jump immeditely after - 'There's nothing left for numbers like you and me.'

View original

Well, if Hugh Grant steps down I want you to know I'm not too proud to don a bib.

Quote: David Bussell @ March 5 2009, 11:52 AM GMT

Sweet potato pie!

I had to read it a couple of times (it's not easy to follow given all the 513/118/NON TV 118 nomenclature) but now I understand it I'm behind it. Go shoot it I say. And let me know if you need someone to play the guy with the crazy hair. I got that shit in spades.

View original

So have I. On my arse.

I think it's brill

I liked this a lot. Good concept, well written.
I built a mental storyboard as I read it and it visualizes well. Would like to see finished work.

Can imagine it very well (once I got my head round who was who at the beginning), think it's v good. Best of luck filming it

Thanks guys. Now rewritten with an extremely ambitious ending. Going to be a good'un if we pull off. Or very shit if we don't ! Or just somewhere in between.

It is good. I like it. I want to SEE it.