This is going to be my first stand up gig, some time next week, so let me know what you think of this. Any and all criticism is greatly appreciated. Please be very very harsh on it. Thanks.
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Hey guys, I'm Andy, I'll be your entertainment for the next 5 minutes. I use the word 'entertainment' loosely. hopefully you'll all like it, although they say you can't please everyone. My sister certainly puts that theory to the test.
It's great to be back in Cambridge - this is actually the second time I've been here. The first time was for my interview at the university, and I haven't been back since, so you can guess how well that went.
But anyway, it is great to be here. Let's first thank the organisers of this show, Corry - without her there wouldn't be one, so let's give her a big round of applause.
[applause]
Well, I say without them...they're not the ones standing up on stage, palms sweaty, racking their brains for some jokes, having travelled hundreds of miles for this 'opportunity', but whatever.
And when I say travel, I mean TRAVEL. I actually go to uni in Leeds, and my family lives in Warwickshire, so this is a little out of the way. You're probably thinking to yourselves, Andy, if you go to uni in Leeds, and you live in Warwickshire, why didn't you do the heat in Sheffield, or Manchester, or Coventry, or even Glamorgan? All of those places would have been much easier for you than coming all the way to Cambridge, surely?
Good question. [turn to show organisers] Corry? Organisers? Any idea why I've had to travel 300 miles round trip to be here? No? Then I take back the applause we gave you. Thanks anyway.
I worked out that I've travelled about 300 miles, just to be on stage for 5 minutes. That works out as one second per mile travelled. I'd much rather have done the heat in Coventry with the same ratio of time to distance. 7 miles from my parents house, it is. I'd just get on stage, Hi, I'm Andy Lynch, doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together man, pause for laughs, thank you very much, good night!
It's probably a good thing I didn't do it in Coventry though, it's not a city that's exactly world-renowned for its intellectual capability. In English class we were talking about oxymorons, and my mate came up with a fantastic one - "Coventry University". The place is educational and cultural abyss, where knowledge, spelling and grammar go to die, trampled on by cheap adidas trainers before being tossed aside like a split condom and a positive pregnancy test. Someone I know said to me on A-level results day, "Oh, I got into Coventry Uni!" Wow, what did you do, open the door?
Anyway, comedy. You always get a little nervous before you go on stage. I remember the first time I did it, I was so nervous. More nervous than my cambridge interview, which I didn't get into, even more nervous than the first time I talked to a really hot girl, who I also didn't get into.
I mean I love being on stage, I love telling jokes, I love making people laugh, but whenever I tell someone I'm doing comedy, their response is always the same. "Oh my god, I've got this great joke you can tell, it'll kill." These people are liars. My girlfriend said to me, "Oh, I've got this great joke you can tell!".....go on then.
"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
"...What?"
"Lickalotapuss!"
"[sigh]......[mime backhanded slap]"
Luckily she's not here tonight. She's not a fan of going out in public with a black eye.
My Dad was the same. I said to him "Oh, I'm coming home for the weekend, so I can travel to Cambridge to do this comedy show."
"Oh, I know a great joke you can tell...."
"....fine...."
"You know those signs that say Bill Posters will be prosecuted?"
"Yeah...."
"I always thought Bill Posters was innocent! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
".............."
Everyone always has something to say, when I tell people that I'm getting on stage in front of a bunch of strangers. My girlfriend said to me, "aren't you nervous, trying to make complete strangers laugh?"
It wouldn't be a whole crowd of complete strangers if you would COME TO ONE OF MY FUCKING SHOWS, YOU UNSUPPORTIVE CUNT.
My housemate said the same thing, he said, "aren't you nervous? what if it's just like the opening scene from 8 mile?"
"what do you mean?"
[Rap this bit with wigga arm movements] "his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti, he's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he heeps on forgetting what he wrote down."
"What?"
It's not his fault he's a moron. Thanks to his east london upbringing he finds it hard to communicate ideas without rapping. I've literally seen him try to hit on girls by rapping Dizzee Rascal.
[rap this bit as well - with actions of him approaching a girl] "What's up darling, I've been keepin my eyes on your movement, I can't see no room for improvement, when you're all over there on your jack jones, you need to let me get behind your back bone."
[pause]
[mime girl backhand slapping him]
I keep telling him it's all about confidence, and you just need to be sure of yourself, even a little arrogant, and you'll be fine. I'm often accused of being arrogant - one time we were drunk, and for some reason we started talking about religion. Now I'm an atheist, and I'm convinced that my point of view is right. I'm convinced there's no god, but some of my friends aren't. They kept saying "How can you be so sure of yourself? You're so arrogant. How can you be so sure you're right?"
"I am right."
"You're so arrogant."
Then she came out with a great comment, she told me I was "an atheist with a God complex", and I think she's right. But I blame my parents for that - they always did tell me to believe in myself.
[cue thunderous applause followed by standing ovation and possibility of an encore]