And it's supposed to be a competition thread!
STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!
THE BSG COMEDY COMPETITION 18/07 Page 2
An old one of mine.
NHS DIRECT.
A woman lounging on the couch, on the phone to NHS DIRECT .
Operator
Hello NHS direct. How can I help you.
Woman
I need to speak to a Doctor or nurse please. It is quite important
Operator
What is the problem.
Woman
Well my husband’s head seems to have fell off.
Pan to woman holding her husbands head in her arms.
Operator
Well we are very busy at the moment it may take up to 80 minutes to get a call back. I will Mark you as a 2. The marking system goes from 1 if the person is dying up to 10 for a grazed knee.
Woman
But his head has fallen off.
Operator
Well he is dead DUH! That means no rush to help him.
Woman
He is perfectly alive I can assure you.
Operator
What without an attached head.
Woman
Would you like to speak to him, hold on
Woman puts the phone to the mans head.
Man
Hello my head seems to have fallen away from my body. I think I need to speak to someone as soon as possible.
Woman lifts the phone back to her ear.
Woman
Are we still marked at a 2.
Operator
No you are now a 4. The head spoke so that means his breathing is fine. You will receive a call within 120 minutes. Bye now.
2 hours later the phone rings
Woman
Hello
Nurse
Hello there, This is a nurse. I am returning your call to NHS Direct. How is your husbands head.
Woman
Well it is still away from his body.
Nurse
Ok right, is your husband able to talk
Woman
Hold on he is sleeping I will just wake him up.
Woman picks up her husbands head from under her arm and starts shaking it violently. His eyes open, roll about for a while then he awakens.
Woman
Right he is awake now, I will just put him on
Woman puts her husbands head on top of her own head.
Woman
Right I am wearing him now. He is on.
Nurse
I really would like to speak to your husband please.
Woman
*Tsk*. Puts him on her lap and places the phone to his ear.
Man
(Very sleepy voice) Hello
Nurse
I understand from your wife that your head has fallen off.
Man
(Yawns) Yes, I am afraid so. Clean off.
Nurse
Are you suffering from any dizzy spells
Man
Nah
Nurse
What is your body doing
Pans to his body, which is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor
Man
Erm! Not a lot really
Nurse
Is your head swollen at all
Man
No I don’t think so.
Nurse
Are you in any pain
Man
Surprisingly No actually
Nurse
Are you on any medication
Man
Umm yes I am. I am taking gongameenaluna.
Nurse
Ahhh! Gongameenaluna.
Man
Yes gongameenaluna. Does that explain anything
Nurse
No not at all I am afraid. I have no idea why gongameenaluna tablets would cause your head to fall off.
Man
Oh!
Nurse
So you are not dizzy, or swollen or in any pain. Your breathing is fine beacause you are speaking.
Man
That’s correct.
Nurse
So apart from the fact that your head has fell away from your body you are in perfect health.
Man
Perfecto
Nurse
Right. All I can say is should any of the symptoms you dont appear to have become apparent, please call NHS Direct again. Or go to your local Hospital. You are now marked at a 10. A call back will take around 3 days ok. Now if you dont mind I am hanging up. There could be some person who is realy sick trying to get through. (mutters time wasting decapitated freak)under her breath.
Which Bed is Mr Sa in nurse?
ACCIDENT PRONE
A YOUNG WOMAN, HEAVILY BRUISED WITH A PLASTER CAST ON BOTH WRISTS AND ONE ANKLE SITS PROPPED UP IN BED.
AN ELDERLY CLEANER APPROACHES.
CLEANER
What happened love?
YOUNG WOMAN
Paper cut.
CLEANER
Oh my, and it did all that? It must of been a big bit of paper! Where do you work?
YOUNG WOMAN
In an office.
CLEANER
I’d have put money on a sawmill!
YOUNG WOMAN (TRIES TO LAUGH)
Ouch!
CLEANER
Sorry love. I just can’t get over it! A paper cut! Just goes to show! Anyway, you’ll know for next time eh?
YOUNG WOMAN
Well... I got the paper cut, saw the blood, freaked out, stood up, passed out, hit my head, was run over by the post trolley, fell off the stretcher, fell off the bed in A & E and ended up like this!
CLEANER
Oh dearmie me. Do you reckon you’re accident prone luvie?
YOUNG WOMAN
A bit. But if you think I’m bad, you should see my sister!
THE YOUNG WOMAN INCLINES HER HEAD FORWARD SLIGHTLY.
IN THE BED OPPOSITE IS A SIMILAR-LOOKING YOUNG WOMAN WITH A BROKEN ARM, TWO BROKEN LEGS AND A HEAVILY BANDAGED HEAD. SHE WAVES BRAVELY WITH HER GOOD ARM.
THE CLEANER WAVES BACK.
CLEANER
What happened to your sister?
YOUNG WOMAN
She had issues with the stapler!
SCENE - A HOSPITAL
DOCTOR : Now then Mr Jones. The operation won't take long. You'll just feel a little scratch - ha - in my day you used to feel a little prick - ha ha ha.
PATIENT LOOKS AT DOCTOR ANXIOUSLY
DOCTOR : Now of course I may look like I'm a little short sighted. I know these glasses are thick but I've been working on hysterectomies for years.
PATIENT : I'm a bloody man. You can't give me a hysterectomy!
DOCTOR : There's always a first time for everything ha ha!
PATIENT : He's not going anywhere near my ...
DOCTOR : Oh it's just my - other -little joke, you know the little prick first? I'm just trying to put you at ease.
PATIENT : If that's aiming to put me at ease then what happens when you want to really worry someone?
DOCTOR : Why would I want to worry you?
PATIENT : I don't know but you're doing a bloody good job of it now!
DOCTOR : Now come on - calm yourself. You'll only get yourself all het up.
PATIENT : Well what do you expect?
DOCTOR : Come on then - give me a clue. What exactly are you in for?
PATIENT : If you don't know I'm not letting you anywhere near me!
PATIENT JUMPS OFF THE TROLLEY AND RUNS OUT OF THE OPERATING THEATRE.
DOCTOR : Right - that'll save us half an hour on the waiting list. Can you bring in the next patient please nurse?
Can I vote yet ?
Quote: Kent Pete @ July 24, 2007, 1:37 AMCan I vote yet ?
It should be closed - if that Leevil got his finger out!
He's probably still thinking about Ellie's return.
Do'h! For some crazy reason, I thought the comp closes on wednesday?
CLOSED -- CLOSED -- CLOSED -- CLOSED -- CLOSED -- CLOSED -- CLOSED -- CLOSED --
VOTE HERE!
VOTING CLOSES: Err... Friday 27th
David or anyone else, I'm going to be busy in the next couple of weeks, so if anyones interested in taking the reigns PM me and you can take over next weeks.
(Whistles)
I'm voting for Jude!
I wrote Monday 25th July, so I was right in a way, doh! Oh well.
VOTE: Jude
Go on then Leevil - I'll bale you out yet again!!!!!!!
I have the power - to pick up a flower!
Voting closes 27 July - oh he's already said that - and Jude is currently romping it unchallenged!!!
Again, they all raised my spirits but I've only one vote it's going to Martin Bickle.
I'll also vote Jude
I go Kent Pete.
Thanks so much for the votes.
I vote: Charley.