(This is written for radio. I don't usually do topical / satirical stuff but the idea came to me in the bath of all places)
FX :
"DING DONG" DOORBELL.
JOHN CLEESE:
I'll get it dear!
FX : DOOR OPENING. IMMEDIATE HUBBUB OF CLAMOURING JOURNALISTS. FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY SOUNDS.
JOHN CLEESE:
What the bloody Hell…
JOURNALIST:
Mr Cleese, Mr Cleese can we get a statement please?
MR CLEESE:
Statement? About what?
JOURNALIST:
Andrew Sach's latest allegations, sir.
JOHN CLEESE:
Allegations? What…about Jonathan Ross you mean?
JOURNALIST:
No Mr Cleese. About you.
JOHN CLEESE:
Me? I…I don't understand…
DEREK OUTRAGE:
Excuse me - Derek Outrage, Daily Mail. Mr Cleese, is it or is not true that you have verbally abused Andrew Sachs on numerous occasions?
JOHN CLEESE:
Of course not! He's one of my dearest friends!
DEREK OUTRAGE:
So you deny calling him – and I quote - "a moronic bloody spaniard".
JOHN CLEESE:
I'm sorry…are you talking about Fawlty Towers?
GARY NIPPLES:
Mr Cleese, Gary Nipples, The Sun. Not only has Mr Sachs gone on record saying that you repeatedly humiliated and besmirched his character, he's also provided us with video evidence of you actually physically assaulting him.
JOHN CLEESE:
But…this is ridiculous…it was a comedy for God's sake!
OLLIE STUCK-UP:
Ollie Stuckup, The Guardian. So you're saying you find it funny then? I've seen the footage myself and quite frankly it turned my stomach. Slapping him across the back of the head, hitting him with a frying pan. At one point you actually picked him up and used him as a battering ram! If this is your idea of comedy, Mr Cleese, it's little wonder we live in Broken Britain.
THE JOURNALISTS ALL MURMER THEIR AGREEMENT.
JOHN CLEESE:
Look, shut up, shut up the lot of you!
EVERYONE FALLS SILENT.
JOHN CLEESE:
I'm sick up to the back bloody teeth of you bandwagon-jumping hacks! You're waging this ridiculous war on family values and decency in comedy, and at the same time you've still got women with their tits out in your papers! When are you going to learn that comedy is meant to be unexpected sometimes? If you always knew what joke was coming, you wouldn't laugh, would you?
GARRY NIPPLES:
(QUIETLY) Never did Les Dennis any harm…
JOHN CLEESE:
Sod Les Dennis! Now for God's sake, stop this pathetic comedian witch hunt, clear off back to your newspapers, and start reporting some worthwhile bloody news again.
THEY ALL MURMUR DISAPPOINTEDLY AS THEY BEGIN TO DISPERSE.
DEREK OUTRAGE:
Er…Mr Cleese, one last thing?
JOHN CLEESE:
What?
DEREK OUTRAGE:
Could you comment on a recent allegation by a parrot that you once hit his head against a pet shop counter?
END SKETCH
I'm so behind with the times...