My sitcom. mk. 2

I posted this a while ago, probably a bit hasty really and it wasn't really done. Anyway, I've recently been doing a bit of tinkering with it and I would very much appreciate to know what you think of it. This is just the first part of the first episode. It's called "Gap Year".

Cheers

INT. CAR - DAY

Chris (Average height and build, short brown hair, bit of facial hair, 18)is sat in the driver seat. The car boot is slammed down and the passenger door opens. Alex (Skinny, shaggy hair and glasses, 18. He is wearing a psychedelically coloured kimono) begins to sit down in the seat, before he is yanked out of it and Phil (Average height, 18, bit chubby) gets in. Alex gets into the back seat.

CHRIS
Alright lads. How was the trip then?

PHIL
Pretty good

ALEX
It was an enlightening experience

CHRIS
Dare I ask what the new look is all about Alex?

PHIL
Oh he's into all this hippie shit now

ALEX
Hippie shit? Do you ever listen Phil? I explained all this on the plane

PHIL
You did, but it doesn't take much to put me to sleep

ALEX
I'm a spiritualist

CHRIS
What's that?

PHIL
Are you insane!? Don't get him started!

ALEX
Well, spiritualism is...

The sound fades out.

Phil bangs his head on the dash repeatedly as Alex talks. The cut to the car driving down the motorway and out of shot.

EXT. THE FLATS - DAY

The car is pulled up at the side of the road. All 3 get out of the car and Phil and Alex take suitcases from the boot. They begin to walk towards the building.

CHRIS
You know, I never got why you two go on holiday together when you're constantly at each other's throats

ALEX
Well you don't like skiing and I don't really know anyone else

PHIL
And I just like shouting avalanche at him and then watch him scream his way down. There's no parking on those slopes after that little prank

CHRIS
What's that mean?

PHIL
He leaves a big yellow line in the snow behind him

ALEX
No I do not. He's making it up

PHIL
No I'm not. I've got the pics on my phone

Phil goes to take out his phone when Alex quickly steps in between him and Chris.

ALEX
Anyway, what have you been doing without us then?

CHRIS
Just been hanging out with Lucy

ALEX
Have you engaged in coitus with her yet then?

CHRIS
Coitus?

PHIL
Have you shagged her yet

CHRIS
Oh. Well, we've certainly tried

INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chris and Lucy (short, attractive blonde haired girl. 18)are lying in bed next to each other kissing. She climbs on top of Chris, then gets off again and lifts up the sheets to look at his privates.

LUCY
Not again

CHRIS
We could try?

LUCY
Nah, it would be like trying to unblock a toilet with a slinky

CHRIS
I don't know why it won't get up

LUCY
I wish it would. Lazy bastard

INT. THE FLAT - DAY

Chris and Alex are sat on the couch. Phil appears with 3 beers. He tosses one to Chris who catches it, and one to Alex who kind of knocks it with his hand and it flies off. He goes to get it.

PHIL
Why don't you try some of that Viagra stuff? Works for Hugh Hefner and not even the skin on his face can stay up

CHRIS
I did. I took it and then her mum appeared and said she was staying over so I didn't get to see her. (Distant)I wore a hole in my mattress that night

Alex reappears and sits down. A little dog runs up to him and jumps on his lap. He starts to stroke it.

ALEX
Awww, I've missed you my little meatball! Give me a kiss

Alex puckers up and the dog licks his face.

PHIL
Looks like you've pulled

ALEX
Well at least I can

PHIL
Whatever. I can pull a girl any time I want

CHRIS
I'm going to have to agree with Alex on this one. I don't think I've ever seen you pull

PHIL
I'll go out and get someone right now if I have to

ALEX
Ok then, why don't you try your luck when you take meatball to see the vet later

PHIL
Why is that your pulling ground? We're not all into bestiality you know

ALEX
Firstly, that's disgusting, and secondly, there are people at the vets as well

PHIL
Maybe I will. And it'll be a real human female as well

ALEX
Anyway, Chris, why don't you try some Chinese remedies for your little problem?

CHRIS
(Offended)
Little?!

ALEX
I didn't mean it like that. Someone seems a little paranoid

CHRIS
(Offended)
Little?!

ALEX
Again, didn't mean it like that. Anyway, they've been proven to work and there's a shop in town

PHIL
Yeah, sucking on a root will fix all your problems

ALEX
It's not just sucking on roots. It's been perfected over thousands of years

CHRIS
I might as well give it a go. I've tried everything else

ALEX
You won't regret it

Alex opens his beer and it sprays all over him.

ALEX
Oh no! It's all over my kimono

PHIL
Your what?

ALEX
Kimono. It's traditional Japanese dress

PHIL
Well, you're not wrong about the dress part

ALEX
All Japanese men used to wear these

PHIL
F**k off. You look like a reggae Florence Nightingale

ALEX
You're surrounded by negative chi you know

PHIL
Chi? What the hell is chi?

ALEX
It's your spirit energy

PHIL
I've had enough of this bullshit

ALEX
You should meditate and relax a little, or it could manifest into some real problems

PHIL
You should shut up or it could manifest in your face

Alex stands up and takes his top off, to reveal a pair of massive nipples.

PHIL
Is it me or did it just get a bit nippy in here?

CHRIS
Come on now, why don't you tell me what you got up to on your holiday? You didn't really tell me much

PHIL
Yeah it was good. Very enjoyable. Love that skiing

ALEX
Well come on now it wasn't all good. What about...

Phil shoots Alex a nasty look to shut up. Alex just stops talking.

CHRIS
What about what?

ALEX
Errrrr...When I was going down the slope I fell and broke my ankle

CHRIS
Why isn't it in a cast then?

PHIL
They have very good hospitals in France

CHRIS
(Suspiciously)
There's something you're not telling me here. Something happened didn't it?

PHIL
No

ALEX
Of course not

CHRIS
Hmm

Chris looks at Alex, who quickly begins to look in any other direction.

CHRIS
I'm going for a slash

Chris gets up and goes out of shot.

PHIL
(Quietly)
What the frig are you playing at! We swore to keep it to ourselves

ALEX
(Quietly)
Yeah, but Chris is one of my best friends. I tell him everything

PHIL
(Quietly)
Well you don't tell him this, or I'll hurt you so bad you'll be screaming like the Fritzl kids

ALEX
(Quietly)
But

PHIL
(Slightly louder)
Right?

ALEX
Right

Chris returns to the room and sits down again

PHIL
You're flying low

CHRIS
Oh, good spot. (zipping up fly) Nice to know someone's on crotch watch

ALEX
Pass me the remote will you please. There's something on about mediums that I want to watch

Phil throws Alex the remote and he does the same thing as he did with the beer and knocks it flying. He goes to get it.

CHRIS
Mediums? You mean like psychics?

ALEX
Don't be silly. Psychics aren't real

PHIL
And mediums are?

Alex returns and sits down.

ALEX
Of course

PHIL
Bullshit

ALEX
They are! Haven't you ever seen most haunted?

PHIL
You mean that thing where they run around a house screaming when someone steps on a squeaky floor board?

ALEX
Yeah

PHIL
It's hilarious

ALEX
It's chilling! And it proves that mediums are real

PHIL
No it doesn't. That's like saying that Paul Daniels proves that magicians are nice people

CHRIS
What do you have against magicians?

PHIL
It's a part of my childhood I'd rather not talk about

CHRIS
Go on

PHIL
A dirty old man and sleight of hand. That's all I'm going to say

CHRIS
Wait, what?

PHIL
You know that trick where they show you their hand is empty and then they say abracadabra and suddenly there are balls in it. Yeah...

Chris looks at Phil for a second, then slowly moves in for a reassuring hug, which Phil thankfully accepts.

ALEX
Right. I'll get my friend round to prove it. We can have a séance

PHIL
Fine. But, if it doesn't work you have to buy me beer for a month

ALEX
Deal. But if it does work then you have to..errr

PHIL
How's about this. If it does work then I'll eat a sock

ALEX
Yes. That will work nicely

Alex turns on the TV with a rather evil brooding grin on his face.

I hate to bump, but I would really like to know what people think of this

I hate to be negative, but I didn't make it through the first paragraph.

The very first line is grammatically incorrect, "just your average looking guy" doesn't tell me anything, and the action is clumsily described. I'm afraid it didn't make me want to read further. Sorry.

Cheers Mike. I've just edited in a cleaned up version. Any better?

Cheers

Charmless, I'm afraid. And a bit nasty.*

*this could also apply to me.

What do you mean by nasty Seefacts?

Cheers

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ February 13 2009, 3:38 PM GMT

What do you mean by nasty Seefacts?

Cheers

View original

Just felt a little, well cheap and nasty.

Lines like: "Well you don't tell him this, or I'll hurt you so bad you'll be screaming like the Fritzl kids"

And the sex references just felt forced. If you going to do material like that, it has to be done well (Peep Show / Inbetweeners).

Ah right ok.

I agree that Fritzl kids joke is pretty bad, I just haven't thought of a good one to put in there yet. It's more of a place holder than something permanent.

I'll see if I can make the sex references a bit more natural aswell.

What do you think of the characters? Are they defined well enough? Because last time I posted this they were pretty awful.

I don't expect them to be incredible but an improvement would be lovely.

Cheers

I'm shooting out the door and won't get back to the PC till monday so forgive me if this is a little blunt.

I read it and didn't really even crack a smile. I even checked about 3/4 the way through that the word sitcom was used in the title.

The dialogue seemed forced and not very natural. I don't know anyone who says coitus instead of shag, for example.

There was no discernable plot either.

I think there is a lot more work to be done, sorry.

The first paragraph is a better after your edit. But it should still be "sitting in the driver's seat" rather than "sat".

I agree with steve in regards to the rest. It doesn't move fast enough for me. Though the coitus line didn't bother me as I guess Alex is supposed to be a bit self-consciously strange.

You must be able to find a better way to set up a storyline about trying to cure impotence and another one about trying to chat people up in a vet's waiting room -- which I assume is where the episode is heading. What you've got at the moment is a terribly long scene of three guys basically talking through a checklist of things they might to do later, punctuated by insults.

Cheers for the comments.

The story really gets going after this first part, this is just to set up the rest of it. I get what you're saying though that it is quite long and not much happens in it. I'll have to try and mix it up a bit.

Cheers

Further to an earlier comment, I'm not at all opposed to sick humour, and to be honest quite like it, but I'd suggest if you were gonna make a Fritzl joke it's gotta be very funny - the "screaming like the Fritzl kids" line just isn't that humourous and comes across as pretty blunt and flat, which will be interpreted by a producer as offensive.

Sorry to say, I didn't crack much of a smile either - I think you need to develop the characters further, as the dialogue feels imposed on them rather than coming from them - they're kind of interchangeable, and it doesn't seem to matter who is saying what, just that the dialogue is said - that's where the piece suffers, as you have characters that are indistinguishable, and dialogue that basically isn't funny.

Sorry to be a bit of a prick about this, and I'm not being deliberatley negative, but the problem is you lose the characters very early on - think more about the characters, and try and get them to say their own lines, and I'm sure you'll get on better.

Post the rest of it though.

I have taken a rather extraordinary amount of heroin however, so I may be wrong

Nah you're probably right. I've long accepted the fact that I'm awful with characters. I'm working on it though, and it's taken about 5 posts for someone to mention bad characters this time so I must be improving

Cheers

The dialogue seems to bounce back and forward rather than be realistic. It's also very expositional. Like you're forcing the characters to move the story along. Nothing feels natural in the dialogue.

Search Google for a character questionnaire. If you can't answer the questions about your character then don't put him in your script.