Agincook!

Continuing my series of Ross Kemp travelling back in time sketches.

Voice Over : TV hardman Ross Kemp has once again entered the time vortex and travelled back in time to bring us footage direct from the front line. Here we are in Northern France.

Ross Kemp is crouched down in a small ditch in a suit of armour.

Ross : It's the 25th October, 1415, we're here in a field at Agincourt. Over there not 200 yards from use are the massed ranks of the French troops. And here Henry V is addressing the English army.

Zoom in to a close up of Henry V.

Henry V: And Gentlemen in England now a bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here. And hold their manhood's cheap whiles any speaks that fought with us upon Saint Crispin's Day.

Back to Ross Kemp.

Ross : I'll be holding my manhood when those bloody French troops charge I can tell you. Fancy words there from Henry.

Ross starts walking to the rear of the line of troops.

Ross : But the English need more than words. An army marches on its stomach and here Henry has secured the services of the very best.

Ross enters a tent, Gordon Ramsay is chopping vegetables. Huge cheers and shouts are heard outside.

Ross : Sounds like we've kicked off. Gordon, have you ever cooked under such circumstances before?

Gordon : Hi Ross. F**k me no. It's scary stuff, worse than working with Janet F**king Street Porter.

An arrow flies through the canvas.

Ross : There are hundreds of hungry English long bowmen out there. What are you preparing for them?

Gordon : Good quality f**king fresh products Ross. When in Rome and all that.

Ross : It's France Gordon.

Gordon : I know it's f**king France. That's why we're having f**king frogs legs Ross.

Ross : Why frogs legs and not snails?

Gordon : There is a real plentiful supply at the moment and easy for our guys to munch during the f**king fighting.

Ross : Fair enough. Can I help?

Gordon : No it's done. Pan. Garlic, onion, basil, chopped veg, frogs legs bring to boil. Done.

Ross : Great! Shall we go and watch the results as they come in?

Gordon : Yeah my f**king money is on a draw, with that bastard Marco Pierre White getting on the score sheet.

Ross and Gordon start to walk out of tent.

Ross : (Shouts)Grub up lads.

Gordon : (Shouts) Bring your own f**king frogs legs with you!

Shot of large pan on the boil with a pair of legs sticking out of it.

Ends

I don't get it. Are they human legs sticking out of the pot? Is it a joke about calling the French "frogs"?

I like the idea of a time-travelling Ross Kemp, but the rest doesn't work for me.

Great start with Ross.

I thought this was going to be more making fun of the genre. Sending wank celebrities into war zones being the hilarious concept that it is. So I was a bit disappointed that it turned into an old fashioned vaguely xenophobic joke with Gordon Ramsay crowbarred in because it's a bit topical.

Quote: Mike Greybloke @ February 13 2009, 5:09 PM GMT

I don't get it. Are they human legs sticking out of the pot? Is it a joke about calling the French "frogs"?

I like the idea of a time-travelling Ross Kemp, but the rest doesn't work for me.

View original

It is!

If you like the idea of a time travelling Ross Kemp then try the first one in the series Zulu(ish) https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/11485

Quote: Stuart Doherty @ February 13 2009, 5:47 PM GMT

I thought this was going to be more making fun of the genre. Sending wank celebrities into war zones being the hilarious concept that it is. So I was a bit disappointed that it turned into an old fashioned vaguely xenophobic joke with Gordon Ramsay crowbarred in because it's a bit topical.

View original

Nothing wrong with a bit of Xenophobia in a sketch Stuart. After all Xenphobia is what built the country we know today!!

I do think that if you're putting the xenophobia hat on a joke, then the jokes going to have to work harder in general.

It's more the punnery that I'm not so keen on. If you left out the frogs legs comment and just had it that is was the troops merrily committing acts of cannibalism, then I'd find it much funnier. You could have the presenter and chef discussing it in a nonchalant manner juxtaposed with shots of the macabre horror.

The way it is at the moment it's sort of twisted round a crude pun which subtracts from the dark heart of what's going on. And the darkest stuff always gets the biggest laugh.

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Quote: bigfella @ February 13 2009, 6:17 PM GMT

Nothing wrong with a bit of Xenophobia in a sketch Stuart. After all Xenphobia is what built the country we know today!!

View original

Nothing wrong with a 'bit of Xenophobia' in a sketch, as you say, bigfella - but it has to be funny. As Stuart says, 'Sending wank celebrities into war zones is a hilarious concept'. But this wasn't funny at all.

Think 'Comedy Zone'.
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