This is the beginning of a sitcom episode I wrote last year which I hope might develop into something worth submitting. I'll post a decent chunk here and have more if anyone would like to see it. I'd appreciate any comment (although I suppose the fact I've put it on critique sort of implies that).
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF GREATER GOOLE - DAY
A bleak wintry morning in a grim run-down inner city ex-polytechnic landscape. Dilapidated soviet-style concrete tenements and 1970's avant garde office-slums predominate. The sky is a sullen grey. It would rain if it could be bothered.
IAN WALKER trudges down the street. He is 40 or so but dressed rather younger, reasonably good looking in a down at heel kind of way. He has a slightly rumpled look and the slumped shoulders and shuffling gait of a defeated man.
Ian turns up his collar against the chill wind. He looks at his watch and momentarily quickens his pace, but the effort is clearly more than he is prepared to spend for the reward and he slows down after a few yards.
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF GREATER GOOLE - CONTINUOUS
IAN turns a corner and is confronted by two youths in hoodies, they move towards him in unison, a silver object gleams in the hand of the nearest youth.
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF GREATER GOOLE - CONTINUOUS
IAN'S dodges down a hitherto unnoticed passageway, quickening his pace but not daring to break into a run. Suddenly, two more youths appear at the end of the passageway, IAN dodges between them and breaks into a run as they turn to pursue him.
INT. PASSAGEWAY IN THE SCHOOL OF MEDIA & CULTURAL STUDIES
IAN hurries down the hallway past a sign "School of Media & Cultural Studies". The hallway has offices down either side, and is scruffy perfunctorily decorated with random movie posters, and not well lit. IAN, visibly relaxing, is about to enter his office. His hand on the handle, he glances over his shoulder to be sure he is safe. The corridor is empty. He turns back to be confronted by one of the hoodies holding up the silver object. It is a knife.
STUDENT
(WAVING THE KNIFE)Got the knife.
IAN
Oh God! (FUMBLES FOR HIS WALLET)...look, take it all just don't hurt me.
STUDENT
(PLUNGES KNIFE INTO IAN's CHEST)No. The panto knife, you know, from our project. I've got the knife and Jase has the beanstalk (gestures to another student struggling with a mass of foliage advancing down the corridor).
IAN
(RELAXING) Ah yes, and how was 'Reservoir Beanstalk'?
STUDENT
Well, you know, we considered it a genre re-defining post modern classic.
IAN
And the kiddies?
STUDENT
Difficult to say really what with all the screaming and crying when Mr Jack Pink cut up his Mum for squealing to the giant.
IAN
Well, the path of genius is always strewn with boulders of incomprehension. (GRABS THE BEANSTALK OFF THE OTHER STUDENT WHO HAS JUST ARRIVED). Thanks Jason,
gotta go. (HE GOES THROUGH THE DOOR LEAVING THE STUDENTS LOOKING CONFUSED)
IAN turns to go through the door. The door has 2 names on it: Nicola Harvey and Ian Walker. Someone has used marker pen to cross out the L in his name and replace it with an N. It does not seem to be new.
INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
A scruffy and untidy office. Piles of paper are everywhere and a general air of confusion reins. The only unusual feature is a very large chair back obscuring a desk from view.
To one side NICKY, an attractive woman in her late-20s sits at her computer.
NICKY
Morning mate. Nice foliage. You running the "Alan Titchmash: Master of the Televisual Universe" course again?
Ian tosses the foliage in the corner.
IAN
Nah. Just some debris from the Tarantino at the panto project. Besides, Titchmarsh has had his day. Nowadays Gordon Ramsey is where it's at. "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares: Post-Brechtian Fables for the Modern Consumer". Good for a couple of terms worth, what do you reckon?
NICKY
You are so full of shit. Someone's gonna spot you're taking the piss one day, then you'll be in trouble.
IAN
Yeah right. What you fail to notice is that nobody round here gives a damn any more, the place has gone rat shit. I mean, on the way in this morning I was stalked by a gang of hoodies.
NICKY
They were probably just students.
IAN
Yeah...well...but that doesn't give them the right to terrorise members of staff.
NICKY
(LOOKING AT THE SCREEN) Not been keeping up with your emails have you? According to the latest memo from the Dean, we now need the income from students so badly that (READS FROM SCREEN)"The University of Greater Goole recognises the rights of students to skip lectures, withhold coursework, refuse to sit examinations and abuse staff without prejudice to their marks"
IAN
Ah, but is that physical or just verbal abuse?
NICKY
(SCROLLING DOWN) "Abuse includes legitimate use of mental, verbal and physical techniques including (but not limited to) Chinese burns, poking with sharp objects and selective application of ralgex."
IAN
Oh that's it, I need the Chair.
Ian walks wearily to the large chair and sits in it, totally obscured from view.
NICKY
Do you actually think that no one knows you are sleeping in that chair?
IAN
No one, it's the perfect crime.
NICKY
So your suspicion wasn't raised when you woke up to find your screen-saver changed to "I'm Dr Snoozy, I Shag Herons"?
IAN
(FROM BEHIND THE CHAIR BACK)A computer glitch I am reliably informed.
NICKY
Or when your trainer laces had become mysteriously entangled with the blinds?
IAN
A common phenomenon related, I believe, to crop circles.
NICKY
Or the tie stapled to desk incident?
IAN
Look sod off, I need a kip it's been a very stressful day. Already.
NICKY
I suppose it's better than your old trick of lying down by the bookshelf and then pretending to be getting a book off the bottom shelf if anyone came in.
IAN
That worked really well until they oiled the hinge on the door.
NICKY
Ah yes, the infamous Lecturer buckaroo game?
INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
IAN is on the floor covered in books, coffee cups, a computer keyboard, and a student sat in a chair.
INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
NICKY
Still in the YouTube top 10 I believe.
KAREN, a prim, prissy and above all scary administrator appears in the doorway as if by magic (not good magic, definitely black magic).
KAREN
Probably the only time we'll hear you associated with the term top 10 Mr. Walker.
IAN
Oh hello Karen, to what do we owe the pleasure of a visit from our Senior Administrator? (LOWERING HIS VOICE)Looking for the blood of virgin first years to bathe in?
KAREN is suddenly stood by IAN's desk smiling viciously.
KAREN
If I wanted that I'd go to engineering - no, I'm here to see you Mr. Walker.
IAN jumps and tries to cover his embarrassment at being caught out.
IAN
(MUMBLING)It's Doctor Walker.
KAREN
Don't look so worried. We haven't found any more of your famous cock-ups...yet.
IAN
(UNCONVINCINGLY) That would be because I haven't made any. More.
