TADLEY STATION:
SCENE 1 – INT- TICKET OFFICE FOYER – DAY
GEORGE ENTERS THE TICKET OFFICE. HE IS CARRYING A BLACK BAG AND A GRABBER HAND. HE IS A SHORT PORTLY GENTLEMAN (51 YEARS) A LITTLE DISHEVELLED WITH HIS SHIRT STICKING OUT AT THE BACK.
KEITH IS BEHIND THE TICKET SALE COUNTER ASLEEP. KEITH IS A THIN MAN IN HIS MID TWENTIES,
GEORGE TAPS ON THE GLASS PARTITION WITH THE GRABBER HAND
GEORGE
Keith.
KEITH
(WAKES UP) What?
GEORGE
You've been sleeping on the job?
KEITH
No, I've been sleeping on the train timetable.
GEORGE
You want to be careful. If Roy had caught you, you'd have been out mate. Back on that dole queue with all the other history graduates.
KEITH
His goose steps would have woken me up.
GEORGE
Who were you calling?
THE PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK
KEITH
(PICKS UP PHONE) Sorry for the delay so you wanted the next train to....She hung up on me.
GEORGE
(TUTS) Tsk.
GEORGE GETS HIS TOBACCO OUT AND STARTS MAKING A ROLL UP
GEORGE(cont.)
I knew they shouldn't have given you this job. I said to Roy pick the polish fella, they have a better work ethic than you college types.
KEITH
It's refreshing that you had such confidence in me.
GEORGE
Well you've had lots of opportunities to prove me wrong Keith, I've said that to Roy as well.
KEITH
You've been slagging me off to Roy?
GEORGE
No he just asked my opinion on how you were doing.
KEITH
And what did you say?
GEORGE
I said I wouldn't throw Mr Borat's application away just yet.
KEITH
His name was Boracz.
GEORGE
Well whatever it was, the foreign geezer.
GEORGE PUTS THE ROLL UP IN HIS MOUTH
GEORGE (CONT.)
But as you know Roy feels threatened by me so he rarely takes my advice.
KEITH
Scared of you is he?
GEORGE
Mind you it has its advantages. Like when I say to Roy I need to have a word, he knows I mean it. I'm sick of tidying the front of the station since the smoking ban. So I'm going to tell Roy that I'm not prepared to do it anymore, he needs to get some outside help in. Look at all this crap I've picked up.
GEORGE HOLDS UP HIS BLACK BAG FULL OF RUBBISH
KEITH
And all this eats into your precious time I suppose.
GEORGE
Yes. I'm a trained customer services adviser Keith, and not blowing my own trumpet too much, one of the very best. Employed for my ability to interact with the public and impart information, not go round clearing up other people's mess.
KEITH
You are a legend George. Indispensable in my humble opinion.
GEORGE
The other week someone had left an old settee dumped outside the front of the station and Roy told me to sort it out. Ooh I tell you the more I think about it the more it makes my blood boil. Enough is enough. And I must have picked up at least a hundred fag ends this morning. It's like Pete Doherty's dressing room out there. I'll probably start getting repetitive strain injury from my grabber hand.
ROY BRACE THE LOCAL STATION NETWORK MANAGER ENTERS THE FOYER, HE IS DRESSED IN THE FULL COMPANY ISSUED UNIFORM INCLUDING AN OFFICIAL LOOKING HAT
GEORGE(CONT.)
And the next time he wants me to shift a sofa or a chair or an old fridge I'm going to say why not walk down the tip yourself with them all shoved up your fat….
ROY FLICKS HIS LIGHTER AND LEANS FORWARD TO LIGHT HIS ROLL UP
GEORGE (CONT.)
Your fat aaaaarrrrrrr
ROY
Not smoking on station property George?
GEORGE, STARTLED BY THIS JUMPS AND HURLS HIS LIGHTER INTO THE AIR.
GEORGE
Ahhhhhh, hello, No Mr Brace, I've just rolled this for later.
HE BURNS HIS FINGER PUTTING OUT THE ROLL UP BEFORE PUTTING IT INTO HIS SHIRT POCKET. GEORGE TUCKS HIS SHIRT IN TO LOOK MORE PRESENTABLE
GEORGE (CONT.)
(NERVOUSLY) Nice of you to visit us Mr Brace. Can I make you a cup of tea?
ROY
No I'll have a tea
GEORGE
Put the kettle on for Mr Brace Keith.
KEITH ROLLS HIS EYES BUT GOES AND SWITCHES THE KETTLE ON
KEITH
Roy. George wanted to have a word with you about all the fags around the place.
ROY
That's not very PC of you George, they have just as much right to use the rail services as anyone else.
KEITH
Cigarette ends Roy.
GEORGE
There's usually one or two on the floor at the entrance to the station but it doesn't take long to clear them up.
ROY
It's worth it George for clean fresh air.
ROY TAKES IN A DEEP BREATH AND GESTURES THAT GEORGE DOES THE SAME WHICH HE DUTIFULLY DOES.
ROY
Good?
GEORGE
Oh yes that's very nice Mr Brace.
ROY
Deeper George.
GEORGE
Yes Mr Brace.
GEORGE BREATHS IN HIS CHEWING GUM CAUSING HIM TO COUGH AND SPLUTTER AND FALL TO THE FLOOR, ROY TAKES NO NOTICE.
ROY (CONT.)
It's a disgusting habit.
GEORGE
(RECOVERING) Chewing gum? I know it is, I've manage to cut down to three sticks a day.
ROY
Smoking. Now George I need your advice.
GEORGE
Well ask away Mr Brace anything I can do to help.
ROY
We need a plumber to dig up the floor in the waiting room and lay some new pipes. I was thinking of asking Daniel Dougal again. You two seem to know each other and get along?
GEORGE
Well I wouldn't say I know him Mr Brace.
KEITH
Isn't he the guy that is going out with your ex-wife Vicky?
GEORGE FIRES AN IRRITATED LOOKING GLANCE AT KEITH
GEORGE
Oh yes him, Dan Dougal.
ROY
Splendid.
ROY WALKS OUT OF THE STATION WITH HIS HANDS CLASPED BEHIND HIS BACK, IT'S NOT IN HIS NATURE TO SAY GOODBYE
GEORGE
Nice seeing you Mr Brace.
KEITH
(CLAPPING) Now that was a master class in how to deal with your boss.
GEORGE
I just take the piss out of him, I'm so blatant did you notice?
KEITH
You were pretty offensive alright. I don't know how you get away with it?
KEITH IS LOOKING THROUGH A BOOK
GEORGE
What you reading?
KEITH
A book.
GEORGE
No shit Shylock.
KEITH
It's got a copy of an old map in it from AD 68. It shows that this train station is built on the site of a Roman Garrison Fort. I was up until three this morning looking through this, fascinating stuff.
GEORGE
Keith you are 26 years old. If you're gonna turn up for work knackered, you need to come up with a better excuse than that.
KEITH
Well what in your opinion would be a better excuse?
GEORGE
I don't know, I suppose if you'd said you were out on the razz with a couple of fit lasses last night that would be ok. And if you'd had to ring in sick and take the morning off, fair does. But reading non – fiction, bloody hell.
KEITH
I don't razz quite so much these days.
GEORGE
Well if this happens again I'm not covering for you.
KEITH
When have you ever had to cover for me?
GEORGE
Just then. Going out of my way to keep Roy distracted while you wake yourself up a bit.
KEITH
You're all heart George, do you know that?
GEORGE TAKES HIS ROLL UP OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH
GEORGE
There was this one time when Roy went out to lunch with all these big wigs from the rail authority, he'd obviously had a few swifties himself and could hardly walk in a straight line, but he kept banging on about being tee total, what a prat.
ROY BRACE POPS HIS HEAD INTO THE FOYER AGAIN
ROY
George
GEORGE JUMPS AND SQUASHES HIS ROLL UP TO HIS FACE IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISGUISE WHAT HE'S DOING
ROY (CONT.)
Are you going to clean the front of this station. It's a disgrace. I've counted three cigarette ends and a couple of doobies.
KEITH
(QUIETLY) Wow, did he just say doobies?
GEORGE
Just coming now Mr Brace. Be there in a tick.
ROY
You really need to keep on top of this George.
ROY WALKS OFF AGAIN
