A sketch I wrote last year.

Hi, I wrote some sketches last year. Here's one of them. I don't know if there is a specific way to format scripts that you all use here, but I just copied and pasted it so I hope it stays in an understandable format when it's posted.

Anyway, tell me what you think.

SCENE 01. EXT. WOODS – DAY

A REDNECK stands pointing his shotgun at a MAN standing wearing only vest and pants.

REDNECK
Now take them there panties
off.

The man stands trembling, terrified.

REDNECK(CONT'D)
You deaf boy? I told you to
take them panties off!

The man takes half a step back.

REDNECK
Don't you move boy! Now I'll
say it again! Take them panties
off!

MAN
(Trembling)
No.

REDNECK
What did you say? Take 'em off
or I'll take em off for you!

With that the man starts to run off in fear. He gets no more than a few stumbled paces when the redneck follows. In terror the man trips and lands face down in the dirt.

REDNECK
God damn it! Stay still!

The redneck is now standing over the man pulling at his pants.

REDNECK
Stay still!

MAN
No, no, no, no.

The redneck is pulling down the man's pants. The man is sobbing and trying unsuccessfully to fight back.

REDNECK
God damn it boy!

The redneck finally manages to pull the man's pants off fully. The man is now shaking uncontrollably and sobbing freely.

The redneck strides off into the woods holding the man's pants leaving the man paralysed with fear on the forest floor.

VOICE OVER
Leaman's Quality Briefs!

TITLES: Leaman's Quality Briefs.

The man is still sobbing on the ground.

END

Very nice, sir!

Liked this one I did. Good stuff.

Liked it a lot Stuart - you have a very good ear for dialouge. However (IMO only), for me, I felt the punchline needed a tiny little more, something along the lines perhaps of:

VOICE OVER
Leaman's quality briefs, get yours before someone else does.
or
Leaman's quality briefs, so good they're a steal.

Thanks for the feedback. I had wrestled with the idea of a more literal punchline but was worried the audience would feel I was underestimating them?

Tbh I have no idea who Leaman's are, but it's pretty obviously (hopefully I'm right here) that they make underwear, and that it's a spoof ad.

That IS a coincidence.

The other day, I watched DELIVERANCE, which I assume this sketch is poking fun at.

It is a parody of that scene. The first time I saw Deliverance I was ten and the whole sordid to-do has been soldered in to my subconscious ever since. The more I think about it, I probably wrote this to defuse my terrible phobia of backwoods Hill billy rape.

Pretty good matey