Non League Football Radio Sitcom.

A little piece from the first episode of a radio sitcom I'm working on based around a non league football club.

Allan Lamb has been left the club in the will of a business rival. His challenge, set to him in the will of the rival, is to get the club promoted by the end of the season in order to win a £1 million pound prize - this is his first time at the club, he is sat with Harley the long serving club secretary.

I'd like to hear your views both on the idea and the writing! Thanks

Fx – Football match atmos – very small crowd.

Allan – Jesus Christ is this it?

Harley – Yes Mr Chairman. A very good crowd in today.

Allan – How many?

Harley – 374.

Allan – 374? That's a good crowd?

Harley – Oh yes sir.

Allan – Why is that?

Harley – I think they thought you might have bought Sir Ian with you.

Allan – Sir Ian? I don't know any Sir Ian's.

Harley – You do. Beefy. Both. Ian Botham.

Allan – Ian Botham? Why would I know Ian Botham?

Harley – Come on Allan, your pulling my leg. You were team mates. Went on tour together. You did those funny cartoon adverts for meat. Of course you know Sir Ian.

Allan – I'm not that Allan Lamb!

Harley – Oh aren't you? I thought you were. That's disappointing.

Allan – How many seats does this stand have Harley?

Harley – 35

Allan – Bloody Hell. What have I got into here?

Harley – To be frank, A chuffing nightmare.

Allan – Sorry?

Harley – It's not your fault, you've only been here 20 minutes.

Allan – Why is it a chuffing nightmare?

Harley – The last four Chairmen, (whispering) they died while in office.

Allan – That's a comfort then.

Harley – If you take my advice, I'd avoid any of Mrs Doris' cakes. I mean nothing has ever been proved of course. But better safe than sorry eh?

Allan – And who is Mrs Doris?

Harley – Mrs Doris runs our refreshment stand. (PAUSE) And is the kit manager.

Allan – Would that be why our strip is a nice shade of pink?

Harley – Yes well she got the red tablecloth mixed up in the washing.

Allan – Who's our number 4?

Harley – That's Simo Mr Chairman. A valiant servant of the club.

Allan- He looks a little, how shall I put it, shall we say, rotund?

Harley – Yes, he's carrying a few pounds but at 45 who wouldn't?

Allan – He's not all that pacey is he?

Harley – Ah but he has the stamina of an Ox.

Allan – I bet he could eat an Ox. <PAUSE> Why does our Manager look like he's asleep?

Harley - Because he is asleep.

Allan – I'm sure there's a good reason.

Harley – Joe's got a mild version of that condition, what's it called? Makes you fall asleep. Begins with N?

Allan – Noel Edmonds?

Harley – Very funny Mr Chairman. That's it I remember now. Necrophilia.

Allan –Necrophilia?

Harley – Yeah had it since he was seventeen.

Allan – He's been shagging dead people since he was seventeen? No wonder he's buggered.

Harely – Shagging dead people? Christ, I said Necrophilia didn't I?

Allan – Yeap.

Harely – I meant Narcolepsy. The one where you fall asleep for no reason.

Allan – Easy to get confused, I guess.

Harely – Well you would do if you if you'd been to bed with my wife.

Not keen, sorry.

And I have a major problem with the whole concept. Why would a business rival give someone (I'd imagine) he dislikes the chance of 'winning' one million pound prize? You need to sort that. Maybe do a Brewster's Millions kind of thing or something.

I agree. I'd say don't make it a business rival, that's too much of a stretch, why would a rival even consider giving him a chance to win a million pounds?
Maybe a step dad or bastard uncle would be better.

Otherwise change the premise. The reason he left it to him is the team has a lot of hidden dept but Allen doesn't find out until he's already signed the contract, and this is a last laugh for the business rival, something like that.

And I would want the team to be worse. The crowd seems far too big to be funny. I'd rather see it as being 9 old men, who turn out to be the substitutes.

Thanks for the comments guys.

I don't think I quite explained the set up in enough detail.

The club has a debt of 345,000 that Allan has had to put in, before he took the club over. The team has to get promoted with the same personal that it currently has - no additions. If he fails to get the required promotion Allan has to return a knicker factory that he conned out of his rival.

The rival who has died basically thinks that Allan stands no chance hence the bait of the £1million quid. He thinks he will get the last laugh. Allans ego stops him from walking away!

Maybe pie in the sky?

None of this helps the writing though. Maybe back to the drawing board.

Allan doesn't sound like a very sympathetic character. I'd have trouble caring about him, or hoping he succeeds.

Still doesn't sound like a believable premise. Sorry.

Good luck with it though.

Yeah, simplify the premise. Like, he buys a football club cos he wants to, but can only afford a rubbish one.

Hi Bigfella. I'm afraid I'm with the rest of the guys. The premise isn't very convincing and Allan isn't sympathetic enough to care about. Loveable monsters are the staple of sitcoms, but the loveable bit is important and it usually comes from a vulnerability (Brent wants to be liked, Steptoe is afraid of being left alone, Fawlty wants acceptance, etc.). What makes Allan vulnerable?

Also, the writing is a notch down in pace and quality from your normal stuff (which I rate highly)IMO. Maybe that wouldn't matter over a larger piece of writing, but it seems to here.

Quote: Ponderer @ February 8 2009, 7:20 PM GMT

Hi Bigfella. I'm afraid I'm with the rest of the guys. The premise isn't very convincing and Allan isn't sympathetic enough to care about. Loveable monsters are the staple of sitcoms, but the loveable bit is important and it usually comes from a vulnerability (Brent wants to be liked, Steptoe is afraid of being left alone, Fawlty wants acceptance, etc.). What makes Allan vulnerable?

Also, the writing is a notch down in pace and quality from your normal stuff (which I rate highly)IMO. Maybe that wouldn't matter over a larger piece of writing, but it seems to here.

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Yeap after some thought I agree with everyone. A far simpler concept like Stuart suggests will work better.

I always seem to have a problem with writing longer stuff. Maybe this is because I've only been writing since December and I just need the practice.
I just get a really basic idea and then start typing. Maybe I'm not planning things through enough before I write?

I suspect that's a personal thing. I must admit that I just start with a few gags and some characters and let it grow. I'm not sure how well that works but it feels right to me. I may post a bit and see what response I get when I'm feeling brave.

There are some nice lines - the Noel Edmonds one for instance - but it's just banter. Too much is being said and not enough being done. One My Dinner With Andre is enough, quite frankly.