Start of my stand-up routine

I know it's been a little stand-up heavy recently but I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. It's basically the opening minute or so of my stand-up routine which I'll be doing in a few weeks. Let me know what you think. Thanks a lot!
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Hey guys, how's it going? I'm Andy, I'll be your entertainment for the next 5 minutes, longer if I get carried away or distracted, shorter if my girlfriend goes into labour. I'm only joking - it's not mine, so who gives a f**k?

Hopefully it's going to be a good show, but they say you can't please everyone. My ex sure came close though.

It was terrible when we broke up, she gave me the whole, "it's not me, it's you" bullshit.
I know it's not me. You're the one saying we shouldn't go out any more.
At no point did I do anything to suggest this.
If it wasn't for what you just said then, we'd still be going out. It's obviously you.

But when I first met her, for some reason I found myself gravitating towards her. She was a big girl.

At first I thought she was amazing, you know, the first time I stayed round hers, she came in in the morning with two big plates, full english. Although they were both for her.

I should have realised it wouldn't work out when I woke up that morning and realised she had to sleep on the floor as there wasn't enough room for both of us on the bed.

On our first few dates when we went out I paid for everything, although soon enough I had to enforce the rule that when we went to a restaurant, rather than me paying, we just paid for what we each had. I know I'm a student, but there's only so much debt you can get into. Plus it was embarrassing. You know when you go to pizza hut and if you don't finish your pizza they give you it in a box? On the rare occasions when she didn't finish, she asked for it in a nosebag so she could eat it on the walk home. God forbid she burn calories.

Valentine's was a bastard as well. I thought about getting her one of those big teddy bears but I wasn't sure whether she'd take it as an insult. A box of chocolates wouldn't be a present to her, it'd be lunch.

I thought this started quite strongly but after the Full English line (which could still be tightened up a bit) it tailed off and the gags felt a little forced and cliched.

Still, I think you have some decent stuff to work with so keep working on it.

It's a bit over-written at the moment. Sometimes in the sense of too many words:

Quote: andrewlynch88 @ February 3 2009, 11:42 AM GMT

I should have realised it wouldn't work out when I woke up that morning and realised she had to sleep on the floor as there wasn't enough room for both of us on the bed.

View original

That can be much tighter.

Equally, it feels a little scripted - obviously stand up is, but the art is making it feel off the cuff, and too many scripted bits of banter (like the very first sentence) is to be avoided, I reckon.

I realise that this isn't an exact script, but really a joke list and you'll say less or more as you need - or don't need. It's funny, but it does tail off. After the full english line.

I like the dismantling the it's me not you line, but the jokes about her being a big girl are a bit 1970s and not in a goodway.

Maybe try,

Her idea of a club sandwich was a baseball to rob people coming out of Subway.

We went to a cafe I had a full english. She had a Full European Union breakfast, with a side order of Central European states who's membership was pending.

The closest she got to bulimia was sticking 4 fingers of a kitkat down her throat at once.

this I s not to bad. sometimes is funny. good.

Quote: sootyj @ February 3 2009, 12:52 PM GMT

The closest she got to bulimia was sticking 4 fingers of a kitkat down her throat at once.

View original

Very funny.

I actually used to go out with a bulimic. She chucked me. No, really.

And as to the original post? I agree it starts promising but then tails off.

Frankie Boyle? Jeez! Not one of my comedy heroes I must say but I'm not one of his either so I can hardly complain.

Personally I would never do that.

BTW, I've written a new joke...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!

No, it's mine...really it is...HONESTLY!
Look, the ink is still damp on my computer screen!

Quote: andrewlynch88 @ February 3 2009, 11:42 AM GMT

It was terrible when we broke up, she gave me the whole, "it's not me, it's you" bullshit.
I know it's not me. You're the one saying we shouldn't go out any more.
At no point did I do anything to suggest this.
If it wasn't for what you just said then, we'd still be going out. It's obviously you.

View original

Very close to the wind on a Jimmy Carr Joke here but it could be passed as your own I suppose.

And the routine itself seemed a bit weak - fat jokes are done a lot and I could frankly see the punchlines coming a mile away.

I mirror what others have said, try tighening some of the lines and possibly coming off the "My ex was a heffer" jokes.

For God sake's Sooty don't give away that Kit Kat line. Get back on stage and do it yourself!

I'm sorry Anorak but I am the Karen Mathews of gag writing.
(Currently has 500 knock knock jokes tethered and sedated in his atic).

Albeit I prefered the club sandwich one.

Quote: Griff @ February 3 2009, 4:18 PM GMT

Are these actually yours rather than Frankie Boyle's this time Andrew?

View original

Fingers crossed. I would never intentionally try to pass off another comedian's joke as my own. I don't want to be the next Carlos Mencia.

the only thing is Andrew, what if there are a few obese women in the audience?

Okay, you can crack a gag, but it's 'tighter targeting' that needs attention.

As in, it's a touch misogynistic. Any women in the audience will more than likely feel you hate them, that you're a bully towards women. (I think that's what Sooty's 1970's reference was alluding to). What's needed is to target more accurately. For instance:

Fat women gags are okay but if you want the females in the audience on your side may I suggest you reverse all the fat women references so it looks as if you understand women, so it would roughly be something along the lines of: "Too fat for the bed" etc., etc.,
Then: "Mind you, she does try her best, bless" - then tie in the punchline with something like the Kit-Kat gag.

All obese women think they're trying to be careful with their diet, (even if it's only a diet coke with their pizza), so target their feeble attempts; take them with you, then they'll laugh with you - but don't set them up against you for just being fat, per se.

If it's fat women, you've got to have them attempting and failing at dieting - and them blaming the failure on you. That's what obese women do, blame everything and everybody but themselves. Work on that, (or not).

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Later -
Watching Omid Djalili at The London Palladium on More 4 in the other room, (just finished, so popped back to switch computer off). He's making a couple of 'fat bastard' gags - all of them targeted at whom?

- Himself.

Audience is rolling in the isles. (Loads of clips on YouTube).

That's all I wanted to say, but can't resist:

Now this is a stand-up with topical targets in his material, (Sample: "Arabs at airports scare the bejesus out of me - so why does everybody stare at me? Look at them!")

Just as I'm thinking it, he gives voice to what I'm thinking:

"Or as the Sunday Times calls me, the fat Iranian with a touch of the Bernard Manning's"

Another sample: Do we have anybody from Pakistan in the audience? (Huge cheer goes up from a section of the audience).

Do we have anybody from India in the audience? (again huge cheer from a section of the audience).

And what area of Bradford are you all from?

Again audience in stitches. He's at the top of his game. No one is offended by his material - and how risky would that 'topical' stuff be in the wrong hands? And by wrong hands I don't just mean a white guy's. I mean any stand-up who targets someone for the way they look and for no other reason whatsoever.

It's kind of an accepted law of comedy that you can make fun of your own demographic or the dominant demographic. In the same way lists of 3 are funnier than lists of 4. You can't fight the comedy power.

For what it's worth I only see it working where you make fun of your own demographic. e.g. Jackie Mason is funny about Jews, David Chapelle funny about blacks, neither very funny about whites or asians.

I think it's part to do with political correctness and part to do with in this day and age we're all obsessing about identity and belonging. I mean I think if Jim Davidson did a routine on computer programers he'd piss alot of people off.

The interesting expetion seems to be, if some one truly genuinely takes on the role of some one from a diferent demographic (with out demeaning or mocking it). For example the Jonah character in Summer Heights High. That said you can always get away with a really good joke.