BSG Sketch Comp 30.1-6.2.8

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... The COOL MIKADO for walkin' it again! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Cool Mikado
1 - 5 - Andrew Lynch, Stu R, Nigel Kelly, Chris Forshaw

Your new subject: HISTORY.
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6 Feb!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
76 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
62 - Otterfox
60 - Baumski
54 - Michael Monkhouse
50 - Timbo
48 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
21 - Cool Mikado
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Leevil
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Mikey J
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Tom G
11 - Steven
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT.CAVE

A serious looking professor type is holding a lit torch examining what appears to be an ancient cave painting of a buffalo. He forces the torch into the ground and then without taking his eyes off the painting produces a pair of spectacles from a case and carefully places them on his nose. The professor then reaches into a pocket on his khaki shirt and leans forward obscuring his actions. After a few moments he leans back sniggering, revealing the fact that he has written 'Tracey is a slag' over the painting in marker pen.

FX – Sound of golf swing, ball being hit and then applause

Commenter 1 – Well that really was an excellent shot by Woods. The pressure is really on Monty now.

Commenter 2 _ He 's in the bunker and it's a tricky lie.

FX – Sound of tank shooting shell, then landing, then applause.

Commenter – Unbelievable shot there from Monty.

Commenter – I expect nothing less from the commander of the Desert Rats especially when he's in a sand trap.

Ends.

Woman:
Anything on the History Channel?

Man:
Nah. History repeats. All this week.

INT. HEAVEN - DAY

God is sat at a desk writing something. An angel comes over looking terribly worried.

ANGEL
E-excuse me Mr God sir

GOD
Yes?

ANGEL
I'm afraid something terrible has happened

GOD
What is it?

ANGEL
Mary's had an abortion

THE GOOD OLD HAZE

A lecture theatre.

LECTURER: Good morning and welcome to today's history lecture.

The twenty-first century is often considered the Dark Ages, with whole families living on just fifty iPods a day. Young people only had seven mobiles each – often unable to send photos or connect to YouTube – and the government still hadn't introduced compulsory Email with minimum twelve-a-day log-on rate for the under-fives. A few households lacked running Facebook, with children walking up to three paces to the nearest Call Centre to chat to South Africans in long coats.

I'll now read an account – as you'll see it's on a strange material called papper:

'Christmas today and all I got was a Dolby Surround System with matching DVD reader, Internet link and porn account. I'll be a laughing stock. At least I'm one up on weird Bill, the nerd who reads books on the bus instead of pissing everyone off with tinny girlgroup muzak blaring out of his mobile (fffffzzzzzz!)… Daddy's so embarrassing, he still gets up to walk to the TV to switch it off. Mummy's bought him an automatic Scratch'n'Sniff: it scratches his nuts and opens beer cans. He won't let me use it though.'

Heterosexuality was still legal in some US states; in others, rock stars were outed and killed themselves through shame or were hounded to death by Senator McCartattack. The age of consent was twelve with a practising adult, and kiddie porn was still frowned upon, despite Britney Spears' schoolgirl outfit and the increasing popularity of Michael Jackson. It was acceptable for people to meet face-to-face and have sexual intercourse without the use of webcams, even speaking clean to each other to enhance their perverted pleasure. The odd freak maintained an erection without pornography, masturbation was considered a solitary activity, and a virgin was discovered in the Catholic Church.

Thank you for listening for over five minutes. If today's lecture was upsetting, my next is about things which remained the same. It's called African Famine.

Headline in newspaper:

GLOBAL WARMING BRINGS END TO COLD WAR

My wife says she will go down in history; in maths, and in English. She loves her night classes.

SCENE. A DOCTOR'S SURGERY, 1348.

THE DOCTOR IS AT HIS DESK, LOOKING AT SOME NOTES THROUGH HIS READING GLASSES. HE PICKS UP A LARGE SPEAKING TRUMPET.

DOCTOR
Jack the Carter to Surgery Four please.

JACK ENTERS. HIS SKIN IS COVERED IN DARK BLOTCHES.

DOCTOR
And how are we today?

JACK
Not so good, really. It's these buboes, in my armpits.

DOCTOR
Let's take a look. Oh, yes, those are nasty.

JACK
I've got them in my groin as well.

DOCTOR
Hmm, yes. I have been seeing a lot of these lately. There's something going round. I shouldn't worry about it.

JACK
Only I was a bit concerned because a colleague at work had the same thing.

DOCTOR
(NOT INTERESTED) Oh, yes?

JACK
And he died...

DOCTOR
Say "ah".

JACK
"ah" ...a couple of days later. And his wife. And all his family. And his neighbours. And the bloke who delivers the milk...

DOCTOR
Yes, it can be quite difficult to shake off. Take plenty of rest, and paint a red cross on your front door. Here, I'll write you out a scrip.

THE DOCTOR SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON A PAD AND TEARS OFF A SHEET.

DOCTOR
There you go, shinbone of St. Earconwald. Rub it on the infected parts three times a day. And if there is no improvement in three days...

THE DOCTOR GIVES A SLIGHT SHRUG, AND EVIDENTLY CONSIDERING THE CONSULTATION OVER, PICKS UP THE NEXT PATIENT'S NOTES.

JACK
Come back and see you again?

DOCTOR
Hmm?

JACK
In three days?

DOCTOR
(SHIFTILY) Oh.... yes.

JACK TURNS TO LEAVE, THEN HAS A FURTHER THOUGHT.

JACK
Should I make another appointment with the receptionist?

THE DOCTOR LOOKS HIM UP AND DOWN, THEN SHAKES HIS HEAD.

DOCTOR
I shouldn't bother.

END.

MAN NAMED JOE IN HIS 60'S QUITE ANIMATED AND STARING AT CAMERA.

JOE: Allow me to set the record straight on a few so-called facts. Such as, The Beatles are said to be history's greatest band. Well the fact of the matter is that they robbed all their ideas.

In 1965 I released a song called 'Strawberry Fields Together', two years later they release 'Strawberry Fields Forever'. I think I've sat back and watched them reap the glory for long enough. Today is the day I'm going to win back my pride and finally get the recognition that has been kept from me for over 40 years.

CUT TO JOE ON THE PHONE.

JOE: Hello, yes. You are the representitive for The Beatles. What is my query about? I wish to complain about the song 'Strawberry Fields Forever' to Paul McCartney.

REPRESENTITIVE: No.

JOE: Oh...ok.

THE ORIGINS OF MAN

Planet Earth approx 20,000 years BC
Two Aliens are sitting together having a discussion, one is Human in appearance, about 9 foot tall with striking blond hair and handsome features( Godram),the other is 3.5 foot high with a small body,Grey skin, large head and big black eyes(Gurko)

Godram: Not bad Gurko, these beings are almost what we wanted, but not quite.

Gurko: Shall we destroy them Master ?

Godram: No, No I quite like them with their funny faces & hand shaped feet.
We shall call them Mon-kees.

Gurko: They make a great cup of tea as well Master.

Godram: Next time make them slightly more intelligent, not Dolphin intelligence but just enough so they can be aware of themselves, give them more language capabilities, and make them less Hairy. You know a bit more in my image.

Gurko: You want them to be as beautiful in looks as your people ?

Godram: Not quite. Make them fairly ugly, but let them think they are beautiful, do the same with the sense of Humour, let them think that they are funnier than they actually are.

Gurko: Won't that start to get annoying after a while ?

Godram: Possibly, but we'll be long gone by then.

Gurko: shall we give them telepathic abilities ?

Godram: That's a tough one, if they are telepathic they'll be able to read our thoughts. Tell you what – give them the capability, but don't let them know how to access it.

Gurko: Haha, good one Master, what about their conscience ?

Godram: Give them one by all means, just don't let it override everything they do.

Gurko: But that will make them both Good & Bad, perhaps in equal measure.

Godram: Exactly my friend, then they will fight with each other and not with us. In fact make them different colours as well, really distract them.

Gurko: Shall we make the females more intelligent as usual ?

Godram: I suppose so, but make them physically weaker.

Gurko: That seems a bit unfair, perhaps we should give the females a means of hypnotising the males.

Godram: It's always about the Boobs with you Genetic scientists Isn't it?
Ok if you must, just make the boobs all different shapes & sizes, we don't want the females to like one another too much.

Gurko: Should the Humans be aware of their Origins ?

Godram: Of course, we'll leave plenty of clues, Like the Mon-kees Etc. We don't want them all disagreeing on where they came from, that's just a recipe for disaster.

Gurko: If that's everything sir, we shall get back to the Laboratory.

Godram: Yes my friend, I think this time we'll get it right. Once They've built our Pyramids we won't be staying around long in any case, and then we can just leave them to live in Peace & Harmony for a few thousand years.

Gurko: well our species may pop back & see how they are doing from time to time, but we'll be discreet so as not to frighten them.

Godram: As you wish my friend.

Gurko: You don't think that making them too intelligent yet stupid at the same time will cause problems in their future.

Godram : as long as they don't start thinking about trying to save a planet that will be absolutely fine until the sun explodes, and concentrate on working with one another then they'll be ok.

Gurko: Or if they start getting silly Ideas, Like Health & Safety, or Political correctness.

Godram: Haha – it will be like Mars all over again.

Gurko : I won't make them that stupid, trust me sir

THE BEGINNING

Votes till Friday please!

Fred.

Fred for me aswell.

I had trouble deciding between Michael Monkhouse & Timbo.
I'll go for Timbo by a whisker.