I've been writing a bit more stand-up recently and since there seems to be quite a few people posting stand-up at the moment, I thought I would join in. Let me know what you think 
Cheers
A friend told me that he doesn't feel satisfied in the bedroom. I told him not to dwell on his shortcomings
My friend is struggling to overcome an addiction. He can't stop watching Bruce Willis films. You know what they say though, old habits die hard.
Gay bars. The only place where ordering a pint gets you a massive vodka and coke
I got a new dog the other week and I was thinking of names for it. A friend suggested pat as in pat the dog. I called him molest
I've taken cockney rhyming slang and given it a bit of a twist. Disney rhyming slang. "got her back to my mickey mouse and we had a daffy duck"
I'm not very good at making friends. They say you get on the most with people who are similar to you and my problem is that there's only really one bestest person ever.
When I'm walking in public, I'm always aware of my hands. I feel like unless I'm doing something with them, people will look at me like I'm a bit strange. I just don't feel comfortable with them just hanging there. I've started crawling to places just to stop people thinking I'm weird
My friends all bully me about how short I am. They leap frog me when I'm walking down the street
I was thinking about trying to do the whole 5 a day thing so I Googled it to see what counted for what. Did you know that if you put 5 a day into Google it says that "5 a day = 5.78703704 × 10 to the power of -5 hertz". The greengrocer didn't know what the f**k was going on
Girlfriends are hard to look after aren't they. Its like having a dog; you have to feed them, take them out, shag them. Obviously I only do that to one of them.
