British Comedy Guide

A pick me up is needed here! Page 2

BRAINS OF BRITAIN!!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France .

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO � MANCHESTER )

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. .. .

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . ...

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona .

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?

Caller: Japan .

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland ?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. ... .

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Quote: Lord Meldrum @ January 30 2009, 3:02 PM GMT

. . . I'm sorry to change the tone on a Friday afternoon . . .

Give over Lord Meldrum . . . er Mel, there's no need to be sorry - the content of your post is the very spice of life! (Or maybe I'm just too damn nosey).

However much you're feeling melancholy this afternoon, it's understandable in your predicament to assume everyone else is getting on with a 'normal' life - except for you. What you're experiencing is closer to normal than the fiction of happy families.

However, and boring as this sounds - bare this in mind - like a troublesome kidney stone - it'll all pass.

In the meantime, have a chuckle at Nil Putters crazy one-liners.
- Jungle man in a loin cloth was Jesus - tsk! Laughing out loud Laughing out loud Laughing out loud

Quote: Nil Putters @ January 30 2009, 3:58 PM GMT

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. ... .

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Superb.

Quote: Danny K @ January 30 2009, 4:16 PM GMT

bare this in mind

A bit chilly at this time of year.

It's always best to have a bare arse when passing a kidney stone.

(Point of order: Seriously, kidney stones - you do shit them out, don't you? I'm not sure).

Danny K, I think that's most disturbing avatar I've ever seen. Got something in your eye?

Quote: Danny K @ January 30 2009, 4:42 PM GMT

It's always best to have a bare arse when passing a kidney stone.

(Point of order: Seriously, kidney stones - you do shit them out, don't you? I'm not sure).

Kidney's connected to, uh, the other form of excrement, is it not?

I know someone in my family who had them had to have them removed in hospital.

Quote: Aaron @ January 30 2009, 4:54 PM GMT

Kidney's connected to, uh, the other form of excrement, is it not?

I know someone in my family who had them had to have them removed in hospital.

Sounds awful. Forewarned is forearmed. What advice were they given to avoid getting them again?

- Is that my coke and pizza nights out the window then?

.

Quote: Tuumble @ January 30 2009, 4:51 PM GMT

Danny K, I think that's most disturbing avatar I've ever seen. Got something in your eye?

Apart from my finger, no not even an eye now.

Quote: Lord Meldrum @ January 30 2009, 3:20 PM GMT

It's then difficult to meet anyone as I don't want to be that weird man who goes to bars and clubs on his own and speaks to women.

Ah, but it works.

Plan an adventure. Go out somewhere different, just talk to strangers, its amazing where it can lead sometimes.

Quote: Danny K @ January 30 2009, 5:02 PM GMT

Sounds awful. Forewarned is forearmed. What advice were they given to avoid getting them again?

Haven't the foggiest.

Quote: Tuumble @ January 30 2009, 4:51 PM GMT

Danny K, I think that's most disturbing avatar I've ever seen.

Tuumble and all watching without adult supervision. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Just to confirm - I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no - it's not physically possible; must be somebody's photoshop pride'n'joy pic, forget where I nicked it from.

.

Quote: Aaron @ January 30 2009, 5:04 PM GMT

Haven't the foggiest.

You could phone 'em up and ask them. Laughing out loud Tell them there's someone online waiting for an answer. Whistling nnocently

Well he's been dead almost 26 months now, but I could give it a go...?

Have a Hug

Quote: Aaron @ January 30 2009, 4:54 PM GMT

Kidney's connected to, uh, the other form of excrement, is it not?

Yep, you pee them out. Apparently very painful.

Quote: Lord Meldrum @ January 30 2009, 3:02 PM GMT

I'm sorry to change the tone on a Friday afternoon, especially as most of you have never spoken to me. Thanks for reading.

Hug Tea?

Quote: Scatterbrained Floozy @ January 30 2009, 6:59 PM GMT

Yep, you pee them out. Apparently very painful.

Much much worse if you are a man than if you are a woman.

Quote: Scatterbrained Floozy @ January 30 2009, 6:59 PM GMT

Yep, you pee them out. Apparently very painful.

Anyone remember the Seinfled episode when (I think it was) Krammer had them and he had to pee them out in a public restroom?

Share this page