Anecdotes

I was told a great though slightly disturbing story today. This guy I know has teenage kids and he said that his daughter asked to have a sleepover at the house except in tents.

Everything was arranged but the daughter had neglected to say that boys were coming too. The dad said that as they were already there they could stay under the proviso that there were separate tents and no naughty business.

He stayed up until 1.00am keeping half an eye on them before saying to his son, who was also in the house, "Let me know if you hear anything" before heading off to bed.

At 2:30am the dad was woken by gunfire. His son had been keeping look out and noticed one of the boys heading for the girls tent so what did he do? He shot him with his air rifle!

The thing was was that the boy didn't cry out when hit with the first shot so he was shot again! Imagine explaining that to the boys parents.

Oh dear God.

Brendan Behan Distinguishes Between Prose And Poetry

Behan had been invited to Oxford to debate the difference between poetry and prose. His opponent talked learnedly for two hours. Behan got up and declaimed a solid Irish stanza:

'There was a young man from Ringsend
Who worked for farrier Pollocks
He went for a walk along Sandymount Strand
And the water came up to his ankles.

That's prose. If the tide had been in, it would have been poetry.'

Last Train Story

Passenger at Connolly Station, Dublin:
'Excuse me, when is the last train to Cork?'

Porter:
'Neither you or I will be alive to see that.'

Bar Talk

An expansive 'regular' was talking to the barman and the conversation turned to the subject of lies. The 'regular' said:
'Tell me the biggest lie you can think of and I'll stand you a drink.'

Barman:
'Why, sir, you're a perfect gentleman.'

Identification

'How can you tell your twin boys apart, Mrs. Sullivan? asked a neighbour.

'Oh, it's not difficult. If I put my finger in wee Sean's mouth and he bites me, I know it's wee Pat.'

A Fond Uncle

A young man had just announced to his uncle that he planned to study for the priesthood. The uncle was overjoyed, 'I couldn't be more pleased, I hope to hear you preach at my funeral.'

A few anecdotes from a little book I have of old Irish humour.

I read somewhere, possibly in The Book of Heroic Failures, about a Frenchman intent on committing suicide;

He put a rope noose around his neck and secured it to a stake driven into a clifftop. He doused himself with petrol. He produced a cigarette lighter and a pistol.

He set fire to himself, then jumped off the cliff, levelling the pistol at his temple. The draught from his plunge extinguished the flames. He tried shooting himself but the tightening rope jerked around his neck, making him miss his head and shot clean through the rope. The rapid descent dashed him against the rocks below before he was washed out by the current.

Alerted by the pistol shot, a passer-by saw the man in the sea and alerted the Coastguard. They arrived a couple of hours later and pulled the man, still alive and relatively unscathed, to safety.

He was taken to hospital where he died two days later from hypothermia.

*anticipates Aaron's approval*

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ January 30 2009, 12:08 PM GMT

I read somewhere, possibly in The Book of Heroic Failures, about a Frenchman intent on committing suicide;

He put a rope noose around his neck and secured it to a stake driven into a clifftop. He doused himself with petrol. He produced a cigarette lighter and a pistol.

He set fire to himself, then jumped off the cliff, levelling the pistol at his temple. The draught from his plunge extinguished the flames. He tried shooting himself but the tightening rope jerked around his neck, making him miss his head and shot clean through the rope. The rapid descent dashed him against the rocks below before he was washed out by the current.

Alerted by the pistol shot, a passer-by saw the man in the sea and alerted the Coastguard. They arrived a couple of hours later and pulled the man, still alive and relatively unscathed, to safety.

He was taken to hospital where he died two days later from hypothermia.

*anticipates Aaron's approval*

View original

Who attempts to commit suicide three ways at the same time? Seems to be an unnecessary effort - if you try the first and it succeeds you don't need to try the others.

Trying a triple whammy method of suicide and dying by yet another means is quite an impressive feat. He should be awarded the French equivalent of the George Cross (postumously)

Quote: Tuumble @ January 30 2009, 12:48 PM GMT

Trying a triple whammy method of suicide and dying by yet another means is quite an impressive feat. He should be awarded the French equivalent of the George Cross (postumously)

View original

That would be "Le Croix de Georges". I wonder if his life assurance policy paid out.

A Christmas Tale for the 21st Century*

My worst ever Christmas was 1998. I was in my 20s and really broke. I couldn't be arsed to go home to my family cos I'd lied and told them I was in a high flying job therefore they'd get nice pressies so I was in no mood for evil eyes on Christmas morning.

So I stayed in the bedsit I shared with my boyfriend. But he was a bit of a c**t cos he left me for the slut upstairs.

Anyhoo I was on my own in that bedsit with no food to eat, and watching (shit Christmas) TV wasn't an option because the 12 inch black and white TV had conked out.

So I spent the day staring at the walls whilst smoking blunts. And then I ran out of matches to light them. Then I really 'lost it' because I felt like the little match girl.

But it all worked out well in the end though because my ex caught herpes off the slut and I got a job the following week.

*It could have happened

Mutton's tale: Ha!

Quote: Aaron @ January 30 2009, 2:00 PM GMT

Mutton's tale: Ha!

View original

*Smacks Aaron upside his head*

Behave, child.

...?

*bans oldcowgrazing upside her FACE*