Quote: sootyj @ January 25 2009, 4:28 PM GMTLeevil if you ever got married would you play Cliff Richard at your wedding.
As she'd be a Leevil Woman.
Does that barrel even have a bottom anymore? 
Stand-Up Help Page 3
I'm so far down I'm about to pop up in Oz,
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 25 2009, 3:28 PM GMTSomething along the lines of 'I went on a computer course to meet women, which is a bit like...'
'... going to the Sahara to find polar bears.'
'... going to space to find air.'
'... going to a Star Wars convention to meet... women.'
For your ending probs, what about a bigger build-up. How you went on a computer course, and got on with this girl really well and it was all going smoothly (really build it up, start talking slowly and seriously) and I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine and we both smiled and both talked at once. Then we laughed and I said 'After you' and she said... 'Can you help me fix my monitor?' (or something more techy). Good ending, everyone's happy, everyone applauds, everyone cheers, everyone loves Danny, 'Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!'
Dan
I really go for curvy women. I signed up to an internet dieting site.
Quote: Leevil @ January 25 2009, 4:27 PM GMTGood opener Danny.
Cheers mate, as I say one of the biggest laughs of the set which is great to open with and many headliners have made a point of telling me the same. Quiet chuffed, now to work on the rest of the set 
Thanks for everyones help, given me a few ideas and even some lines I might steal, but SlagA and Dan have inspired me to come up with a nice resolution that isn't about computers and does feed back to an earlier gag.
Will try it out at next gig and let you know, by the way anyone want to book me for a gig 
Of that's what you open with, surely you'd have gone on to talk about lots of other things to do with women by the time you finish the set.
OK, here's a suggestion, off the top of my head:
"I found some women on Facebook.... but they only want to be friends.
One of them sent me an application: 20 Ways To F**k Off.
Do you think she's trying to tell me something?"
Yeah, I know, it's shit. 
or how about....
I took her back to my place.
I was so nervous, I told her I was going to the toilet.
Then I thought I'd ask the killer question straight out:
"Will we be having sex at all tonight?"
"No way." she replied.
So I said: "Oh, good. That means I can have a wank at the same time."
I remember doing some stand-up years and years ago.
The only bit I can remember about it was:
I went to a topless bar once.
There was no roof on it.
Then it started to rain.
It took me four hours to drink my pint.
Then a girl came up to me and said "Do you want to see me with no clothes?"
So I said "I'd rather keep my clothes ON if you don't mind."
'I went on a computer.. course, the computer's ruined now after me peeing on it.'
Probably doesn't work with the pause but another idea for you.
You know, if I'm honest I'd have said drop the opener! I've just seen an awful lot of comics start with 'I know what you're thinking' before proceeding to make a self-deprecating remark about their appearance and who they resemble. It works, yes, but it does mean it's overused. If you can find something stronger, give it a shot, or rework it.
Quote: Antrax @ January 27 2009, 8:29 PM GMTYou know, if I'm honest I'd have said drop the opener! I've just seen an awful lot of comics start with 'I know what you're thinking' before proceeding to make a self-deprecating remark about their appearance and who they resemble. It works, yes, but it does mean it's overused. If you can find something stronger, give it a shot, or rework it.
I know what your saying, but to be honest the opener is not going anywhere, as I say had a lot of people (a hell of a lot better than me (which isn't difficult)) compliement me on it, it's really the one point og the act I'm the happiest with.
Quote: dannyjb1 @ January 27 2009, 8:58 PM GMTI know what your saying, but to be honest the opener is not going anywhere, as I say had a lot of people (a hell of a lot better than me (which isn't difficult)) compliement me on it, it's really the one point og the act I'm the happiest with.
Fair enough, I just think it's a bit of a risk. By the law of averages, you'll soon turn up on a bill with someone who'll have a similar opener, and it won't work as well.
If you can find a way of doing the same joke without the 'I know what you're thinking' (because I think that's the problematic bit rather than the joke itself), I reckon you can get the same laugh. 'Somebody call I.T?' maybe? Worth a try at a low profile open mic night, surely?
I saw Steven Merchant at a stand up gig on Sunday. He had a very similar thing about looking like an IT support guy. Can't remember the exact wording, though.