Great Woody Allen Lines

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Don't knock mastabation. It's sex with somebody you love.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My brain? That's my second favourite organ!

My fav Woody saying is when a woman (I think) Parks the car & he says, "You need a taxi to get to the kerb". Something like that anyhoo.
Let me know the real way it went pweeeeease.

You forgot his other one: Come here you sexy adopted daughter I wanna f**k you.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I am at two with nature.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I haven't seen much of Woody myself, apart from some of his films, I don't know where you people get his stand up from, but I would appreciate it if you point me in that direction. Unless you're all quoting his movies?

They're quoting both I think. (Apart from Michael...)

His films are full of great lines though. He's a flipping genius.

I bet some of his stand up is on youtube.

Quote: Charley @ July 15, 2007, 4:28 PM

My fav Woody saying is when a woman (I think) Parks the car & he says, "You need a taxi to get to the kerb". Something like that anyhoo.
Let me know the real way it went pweeeeease.

View original

That's in Annie Hall. The Annie character, played perfectly by Diane Keaton, parks badly on a New York Street.

Woody turns to Annie and says. " It's OK, We can walk to the pavement from here "

A line I must admit I have nicked on numerous occasions.

Quote: Leevil @ July 15, 2007, 6:09 PM

I haven't seen much of Woody myself, apart from some of his films, I don't know where you people get his stand up from, but I would appreciate it if you point me in that direction. Unless you're all quoting his movies?

View original

His stand up tapes are amazing. HMV or Virgin might have them.

His "Moose" routine is pure genius.

A great line I rememeber is,

" My wife was agnostic, I was an Atheist. We couldn't agree on what religion NOT to bring the kids up in "

Quote: Kent Pete @ July 15, 2007, 6:26 PM

" My wife was agnostic, I was an Atheist. We couldn't agree on what religion NOT to bring the kids up in "

View original

Thanks zooo I check it out later.

I'll always remember the scene in the Sleeper.

When they arrive they're all encouraged to smoke a cigarette because in the future it's discovered that it's good for their health.

I went to a meeting for incontintent Klu Klux Klan members, they all wore plastic sheets.

funny as f**k.

Which film was it where he's in the taxi with a girl and he says, "she was so beautiul I could hardly keep my eyes on the meter"

I think that might be " Play it again Sam ", where Woody is obsessed with Bogart.

A truely great film. The scene where he is casually waving his 50 yards breast stroke medal at a women on his first date is pure genius.

Is that the one where he's really nervous and practically demolishes his whole apartment by falling over stuff?

Yes...

A scene when Woody is contemplating making a move on love interest Keaton.

Allan: I can't do it. How does it look? I invite her over and then come on like a sex degenerate. What am I, a rapist?

Bogart: You're getting carried away. You think too much. Just do it.

Allan: We're platonic friends. I can't spoil that by coming on. She'll slap my
face.

Bogart: Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.

Allan: Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.

Bugger, I'll have to go and watch it now.
I've got things to do!