Me sitcom

Set in a British mixed private school.
Phil is EXTREMELY sardonic, and Will is angry. Simon is Simon and Barney is a Christian. This is a random scene, please criticise at will.

BARNEY
Everyone knows people who get on their nerves, Will. Don't worry.

WILL
Yes but you're a Christian, Barney. It's different for you.

BARNEY
Why?

PHILIP
Barney! You don't need to ask questions. Like Will said, you're a Christian, and as everyone knows, Christians don't ask questions. Jesus!

(FROM AROUND THE CORNER WALKS SIMON, SMILING GOOFILY WITH A PACKET OF DORITOS IN HIS HANDS.)

SIMON
Hey, err... did someone call me? You know, uh, me... Jesus! He-he-he!

WILL
Ha ha, Simon...
(HE FORCES AN UGLY GRIN, BEFORE TURNING HIS HEAD AWAY AND MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH.)

PHILIP
So, do you mind me saying "Jesus" Barney? Or is it blasphemous? Don't roll your eyes; you know my questions are meant with love.

SIMON
Love! Hey Barns, you'd better watch out - Phil's a queer! He-he, bit gay, LOL!

(WILL GRIMACES, FURIOUS)

PHILIP
Now, now Simon. That's quite homophobic, and if there's one thing I've learnt in my life, it's not to victimise anyone for who they are or what they believe in.
(HE LOOKS AT BARNEY.)
You see the clever irony there?

BARNEY
Yeah. Can I've a crisp please Simon?

SIMON
Well they're not crisps, they're Doritos, so actually I don't have any crisps... just kidding ya mug. Have one anyway.
(HE REACHES INTO THE PACKET, AND DROPS SOME CRUMBS INTO BARNEY'S OPEN PALMS.)
All I had left so don't tell me off. See you in Chem-Chem - and you too Will!
(SIMON WALKS OFF CHEERFULLY, DROPPING THE PACKET IN THE BIN AS HE LEAVES. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE.)

PHILIP
Good bloke, that Simon.

WILL
(SIGHING, AGHAST.)
He said Chem-Chem for god's sake. Chem-Chem! God, I hate him.

PHILIP
No offence Barney.

(BARNEY ROLLS HIS EYES.)

It's not worth reading.

There's not a lot to offer a critique on really is there? I will say it doesn't start promisingly with the sentence "Phil is sardonic, an Will and angry."

Go back, correct the typos and write more than a page would be my advice. Good luck.

Sorry clunky dialogue, poor jokes and such a short extract seems to indicate you haven't developed your characters.
Also don't say a character is sardonic, if it doesn't come over in the dialogue he isn't.

Is this a conversation you had in the pub with your mates which you thought would make the best Sitcom ever? I get the impression it's a series of in-jokes, and you can't really build an audience with jokes that only your dorito-munching friends understand.

Sorry, chief.

from the moment I started reading this I was convulsed with laughter. Unfortunately I was thinking of something else.
No character. No plot. No funny. I do like a bag of Doritos though.

(A CLASSROOM IS FULL OF CHATTERING PUPILS, AND THE TEACHER, MR FLEMING, IS LOOKING AROUND THE CLASS DISTRAUGHT, OCCASIONALLY TRYING TO SHOUT OVER THEM.)

MR FLEMING
Quiet, please! Why can't you listen? What are you all laughing about?

PHILIP
(HUNCHED OVER DESK, LOOKING AT PIECES OF PAPER WITH MIKE)
This is getting ridiculous. "Me and my husband went to France and had an excellent time. Brad stayed with a babysitter, whom he reports was extremely kind." So? Really, who cares?

MIKE
What a waste of time. Why is it always people with extremely boring families who send out newsletters on their family?

PHILIP
And look here. "What can I say about Brad? Well Brad is EXTREMELY normal." Why bother saying that? Who's she trying to convince?

MR FLEMING
(LOUDLY)
Silence!
(EXHALES AND SPEAKS QUIETLY)
Okay, okay. I know what you're laughing at. My fly's undone.

(CAMERA PANS DOWN TO REVEAL THAT INDEED IT IS. THERE IS A PAUSE, AND THE ENTIRE CLASS BURST OUT LAUGHING)

(TITLE SEQUENCE. IN THE NEXT SCENE THE BOYS ARE OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM, AND THE BELL IS RINGING)

PHILIP
God... Fleming literally makes this school. I've never had a teacher as inept as him.

MIKE
I know, it's like chaos in his classes and he literally has no way of controlling it. You know what a place like this needs? Someone like Miss McCormack.

PHILIP
Who?

MIKE
You don't remember her? She left in the second year we were at St Harry's. Big lesbian. Glasses. Well she taught me Art for one term, and trust me that was enough. Once, I had the audacity to say that I couldn't draw a certain object, and well, she got pretty riled up. Long story short, she picked me up by my ankles, and spun me around the room, all the while screaming in my ear "There's no such thing as can't!"

PHILIP
(INTERJECTING)
How old were you? Seven?

MIKE
Six.

PHILIP
Jesus. I don't remember hearing about this.

MIKE
Well I didn't like to speak about it for a very long time. Pretty traumatising really; for the rest of the class, as well as me. A sort of omerta built up around the event, a code of silence, governed by fear. Anyway she'd be able to sort our class out all right, no problem.

PHILIP
Is she still a teacher then?

MIKE
Nah, I think she's a farmer, now. Grows beans.

PHILIP
Bit of a strange career move isn't it, from teacher to farmer?

MIKE
Yeah but she's a lesbian remember. Lesbians like change, that's why so many of them are straight.

PHILIP
Right.

Gotmilk if you want feedback don't post a flawed piece, then post another one with exactly the same mistakes.
Atleast make new ones or something.

Chaps, the snack based products may be a clue.

I've been working on these scripts for twenty years you bastards!

Quite fancy some crisps now.

Think I'll have dejavu flavour.

Quote: gotmilk @ January 24 2009, 2:09 PM GMT

I've been working on these scripts for twenty years you bastards!

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Finally, something funny!

Quote: Marc P @ January 24 2009, 2:08 PM GMT

Chaps, the snack based products may be a clue.

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Are you implying it maybe someone we know?

Who's Frostyboy? And why do these doritos taste so good?

Seriously, who is he?

Always with the Doritos. Never the KP Discos.

This made me laugh, however:

Quote: gotmilk @ January 24 2009, 1:41 PM GMT

Lesbians like change, that's why so many of them are straight.

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