Help me out. Irritation Terrorist.

I wrote this some months ago and then just gave up on it. Got frustrated and distracted by some shit that was happening to me at the time. I'm coming back to it now with a fresh head but I don't know where to take it. Synopsis:
An out of work actor half-assed saves a man's life who, as a reward, inducts him into a shadowy terrorist network. That of The Irritation Terrorist. A cell that believes the New World Order is real, that those in charge are indeed Lizards and that at any moment a vicious dictatorship will spring up. Their solution? To irritate people. A pissed off general public looks for someone to blame, and it's usually the government.
Of course none of these things are real and they're all just total f**king losers and social outcasts getting back at those who have ostricised them in a petty yet pretentious way.

INT. JOB CENTER. DAY

LINES OF DISHEVELED AND DEPRESSED MEN WAIT TO SIGN ON. AT ONE OF THE STALLS IS BRIAN, A SCRUFFY 20 SOMETHING SLACKER. HE IS TALKING TO THE DISINTERESTED, OVERWEIGHT CLERK.

BRIAN
So yeah, while practicing my range of expressions in front of a mirror may not be ‘working’ in the y’know, classic sense, it is an important part of my job.

CLERK
Uh-huh

BRIAN
So I’m not getting any auditions anymore, so I quit the Co-op, so I’m not making rent, so what? You and me both know that I’m stood in front of that mirror at 7AM every morning acting my ass off. Here, would you like to see my range?

CLERK
Not reall//

BRIAN STRIKES A DRAMATIC POSE AND SCREWS UP HIS FACE.

BRIAN
Angry!

BRIAN’S FACE SAGS

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Sad!

BRIAN’S FACE SCREWS UP AGAIN, IT LOOKS THE SAME AS BEFORE

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Curious!

BRIAN’S FACE SAGS AGAIN, IT LOOKS THE SAME AS BEFORE

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Indifferent!

BRIAN MAKES A ‘TA DA’ MOTION AND THEN STRAIGHTENS HIMSELF UP AND SLICKS BACK HIS HAIR.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
In conclusion give me money.

THERE IS A MOMENT’S PAUSE BEFORE THE CLERK BEGINS LEANING OVER THE TABLE, HER MASS MAKING IT CREAK FROM THE STRAIN, AND LOOKS BRIAN RIGHT IN THE EYE.

CLERK
Mr. Salt. Standing in front of a mirror every morning and making those... Ridiculous faces does not constitute looking for a job. That time would be much better spent here looking at the various notice boards and using the delightful touch screen thingamajigs.

BRIAN
But//

CLERK
You are given Job Seekers Allowance in the believe that you will actually SEEK a job. You have not, so suffice to say, I’m with holding your allowance.

BRIAN
But... But the mirror! It’s honestly really hard work!

CLERK
(Folding her arms)
I’m sorry. Next please!

BRIAN WALKS OFF LOOKING DEJECTED AS THE LINE SHUFFLES FORWARD. HE STOPS WHEN HE SEES A WHITE MAN WEARING A VERY TALL TURBAN AND A BLACK SUIT AND TIE AT ONE OF
THE OTHER STALLS.

IT IS ROD NICCOLS, AND HE IS TALKING TO ONE OF THE CLERKS, AN ATTRACTIVE, BLONDE IN HER 20’S NAMED JEN TAYLOR

JEN
So if I could just take your name.

ROD
Certainly my dear. It is Ilsameateds Asaawrotioooommaa... Ummmm.

JEN TURNS TO HER COMPUTER AND TYPES SOMETHING INTO THE KEYBOARD.

JEN
Islooshabadooo?

ROD
(Clicks his fingers)
Yes! That’s it. Thank you.

JEN
Don’t mention it. So if you could just tell me a little about yourself sir, like your place of birth and work history.

ROD
Why certainly. I was born somewhere in the Middle East, exactly where isn’t important really, and I claimed asylum in this country around five years ago.

JEN
And why did you claim asylum exactly?

ROD
Well, it’s a bit of a tricky subject. Let’s just say, boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy visits the chemists, girl cries rape and boy runs the hell away.

JEN
Ah, I see. The oldest story in the world

ROD
I mean, it was an alright place and everything. It was really sunny and there were lots of beaches and such, but they expected you to do things like wait tables and serve behind a bar and, let me tell you miss, that just wasn’t for me!

JEN
Well yes, it’s understandable really.

PEOPLE BEHIND HIM IN THE LINE TURN TO ONE ANOTHER WITH ANGRY EXPRESSIONS ON THEIR FACES.

UNEMPLOYED MAN
This is just taking the piss!

UNEMPLOYED WOMAN
Disgraceful isn’t it? Just disgraceful.

BRIAN WATCHES WITH A WIDE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

JEN
So, work history then?

ROD SHRUGS. AN ANGRY MURMER ARISES FROM THE LINE.

JEN (CONT'D)
OK, so any note worthy skills or interests?

ROD
Well, I’m a pretty shit hot tagger, execu7or, heard of me?

JEN
You’re on the side of my bus!

ROD
Yes well, y’know. I can also throw great parties for the kids. I’m throwing one this afternoon in fact.

JEN
Well that’s good. But anyway, everything seems to be in order here. You’ve got your War Widow's pension//

ROD
Ah yes. She was a brave woman. Who would have thought Fishguard could be so dangerous?!

JEN
//Your Pensioner's Christmas Bonus, you look fantastic for your age by the way.

ROD
Oh, why thank you.

JEN
Exceptionally Severe Disablement Allowance.

ROD
Oh yes, my ankle has been playing up something fierce this last week! I could barely skip back from the off liscense last night. Have you seen my limp?

JEN
Oh I have. It looks very painful.

THE LINE BEHIND HIM GETS ANGRIER AND LOUDER.

JEN (CONT'D)
Then you’ve got your Child Benefit, Maternity Allowance, Retirement Allowance, Income Support, Council Tax Benefit. So the two thousand three hundred pounds should be deposited into your bank account in a couple of days. OK, then I’ll see you same time next week?

ROD SHAKES HIS HEAD

JEN (CONT'D)
Fair enough.

ROD GOES TO LEAVE THE JOB CENTER. HE WALKS WITH A LIMP PAST THE ANGRY LINE OF PEOPLE WHO SNARL AND MURMER AMONGST THEMSELVES.

JEN (CONT'D)
(Calling out)
Oh, and best of luck with the party for your children!

ROD
(Making a fiddly motion)
Oh, they’re not ‘my’ children.

THE JOB CENTER ERUPTS INTO ANGRY SHOUTING AS ROD LEAVES.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSY STREET. DAY

MUSIC CUE: THE USUAL SUSPECTS SCORE.

ROD LEAVES THE JOB CENTER AND LIMPS ALONG THE STREET. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, HIS LIMP DISAPPEARS AND HE WALKS NORMALLY. HE TAKES OFF HIS TURBAN AND PUTS IT ON THE HEAD OF A PASSER BY.

PASSER BY
(Yelling)
What do you think you’re doing you f**king idiot?

ROD PAYS NO ATTENTION AND TAKES A BOX OF CIGARETTES OUT OF HIS BREAST POCKET AND LIGHTS ONE UP. HE LOOKS CONFIDENT AND SELF ASSURED. HE TURNS A CORNER AND COMES FACE TO FACE WITH A GRINNING BRIAN

MUSIC CUE: MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS.

BRIAN
Hi

ROD
Umm. Hello?

ROD KEEPS WALKING, BRIAN FOLLOWS.

BRIAN
I saw what you did back there. That was hilarious.

ROD SPEEDS UP. SO DOES BRIAN WHO STRUGGLES TO KEEP UP

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Are you an actor too? Know of any good leads?

ROD
What are you talking about? My name is Isha... Ummm.

BRIAN
Your limp.

ROD STOPS, LOOKS DOWN AT HIS LEG AND THEN UP AT BRIAN.

ROD
Miraculous.

ROD CONTINUES TO WALK, FASTER THAN BEFORE. BRIAN HAS TO JOG TO KEEP UP

BRIAN
So, what are you? Some kind of street performer or something?

ROD
Yeah, yeah. That’s it.

BRIAN
Cool. Are you part of a troupe or just freelance?

ROD
Look. What is it that you want?

BRIAN
(Breathless)
Nothing really. Just happy to meet a fellow actor! You know, I’m finding it nearly impossible to find work at the moment. Do you know of any?

ROD STOPS AND TURNS TO BRIAN

ROD
Listen mate, I’m not an actor OK? I don’t know of any work for you and I’m not part of any damn troupe.

ROD BEGINS TO WALK BACKWARDS. HE IS APPROACHING THE ROAD.

ROD (CONT'D)
I don’t know who you are, or what your deal is, but leave me the f**k alo//

BRIAN
Oh hey. You’d better watch out for that bus.

ROD STOPS WALKING BACKWARD, HE IS STOOD ON THE ROAD, INCHES FROM THE PAVEMENT.

ROD
//ne... Bus?

A DOUBLE DECKER BUS DRIVES PAST VERY QUICKLY, HONKING IT’S HORN. IT IS INCHES FROM ROD. HE STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT JUST STARING AHEAD BLANKLY. EVENTUALLY HE LOOKS AT BRIAN.

ROD (CONT'D)
You just saved my life.

BRIAN
Heh. Yeah, I guess I sorta did.

ROD
You definitely sorta kinda did! Come here. Give me a hug.

BRIAN
No, I don’t want to do that

ROD BEGINS TO MOVE TOWARD BRIAN, HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED.

ROD
Give me a hug!

BRIAN
I’d rather not thanks.

ROD
Huggggggggggggggggggg!

ROD BEAR HUGS BRIAN WHO LOOKS INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE. PASSERS BY GIVE THEM STRANGE LOOKS AS ROD STROKES BRIAN’S HAIR.

ROD (CONT'D)
(Whispering in Brian’s ear)
You’re one of us now brother.

BRIAN
What?

ROD
(Whispering in Brian’s ear)
One of us. Don’t worry, all will be explained soon enough. All will become clear.

ROD LETS GO OF BRIAN WHO LOOKS AROUND AT THE PEOPLE STARING AT THEM AND GIVES AN AWKWARD SMILE. ROD PUTS HIS HAND OUT.

ROD (CONT'D)
Names ROD NICHOLS. Your’s?

BRIAN
BRIAN SALT. Nice to meet you.

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

ROD
And you. So... What are you up to for the rest of the day?

BEAT

BRIAN
Well this all seems kinda gay.

ROD
Gay? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha. No. No, I have something to show you! Something that will. Blow. Your. MIND!

BRIAN
Yeah, not changing my mind there.

ROD
Come with me BRIAN and I shall show you a world you’ve often dreamed of but never dared enter.

BRIAN
I’m curious and intrigued as to what that might be, but I’m going to cautiously clarify that I am not gay now. I am not gay.

ROD
It’s OK. It’s OK.

ROD BEGINS TO LEAD HIM DOWN THE STREET.

CUT TO:

EXT. RUN DOWN STREET. DAY

BRIAN AND ROD WALK DOWN A DELAPADATED STREET. VIRTUALLY EVERY WINDOW IS BROKEN AND GRAFFITI IS ON EVERY WALL.

BRIAN
Well this is a nice part of town

ROD
So tell me BRIAN. What do you know of conspiracy theories?

BRIAN
I know that they’re a load of shit. Why?

ROD
What if I told you they were all real? Every single last one of them!

BRIAN
Even the Richard Gere and the gerbil one?

ROD
That’s really more of an urban legend but ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!

BRIAN
Well I have absolutely no reason not to believe you so I am justly shocked by this revelation!

ROD
As was I when I had the truth revealed to me. But hold onto the easter egg your nan bought you for Christmas because this is going to blow you away.

THEY REACH A RUN DOWN GARAGE. ROD SLIDES OPEN THE RUSTED STEEL DOORS AND THEY STEP INSIDE. THERE ARE SOFAS, A TELEVISION, A DART BOARD AND A CHILD’S SLIDE.

ROD (CONT'D)
Welcome to our headquarters.

BRIAN
Wait, what? Who’s headquarters?

i liked it. any more to come?

Quote: nicholas keegan @ July 13, 2007, 11:24 PM

i liked it. any more to come?

View original

No. Should have mentioned this in the OP. I'm not too happy with it. Something feels 'off' to me. Any suggestions on how to improve would be greatly appreciated.

Doesn't seem to be a lot wrong with it. Is it a film, sketch or an episode for a series? Then you'd have to think about it structurally, when to bring certain things in etc...Hard to say much more without seeing more of it. But I thought it was funny and the characters were interesting.

Quote: nicholas keegan @ July 13, 2007, 11:41 PM

Doesn't seem to be a lot wrong with it. Is it a film, sketch or an episode for a series? Then you'd have to think about it structurally, when to bring certain things in etc...Hard to say much more without seeing more of it. But I thought it was funny and the characters were interesting.

View original

An episode of a TV series. I'm glad you like the characters because that's really my main concern at present. I'm wondering if they don't all sound the same and if they're perhaps a little too WACK AND ZANY.

Wow. Bravo. I am very impressed. In all honesty, this is the first and, most likely, ONLY professional, could-get-on-tv-with-no-problems piece of work on this site. Very funny. Very smart. Great references.

When reading an entire sitcom script, readers look for about 10-15 chuckles, 3-5 big laughs, and at least 1 HILARIOUS side-splitting laugh. In just this short scene here, I counted 4 chuckles and 2 big laughs. Just in one scene!!!

The characters are very well constructed and I can tell who they are the minute the begin to speak. Both are likeable, but in a weird way. You somehow feel connected to them. Also, the plot of the show is fantastic. The more complex, the better.

I say sell this one to BBC and then after it's short run in England, bring it to America and make 22 episodes a year for many many years. I would watch this.

First time I have nothing bad to say.

Good job.

Quote: Luke Messimer @ July 14, 2007, 8:02 PM

Wow. Bravo. I am very impressed. In all honesty, this is the first and, most likely, ONLY professional, could-get-on-tv-with-no-problems piece of work on this site. Very funny. Very smart. Great references.

When reading an entire sitcom script, readers look for about 10-15 chuckles, 3-5 big laughs, and at least 1 HILARIOUS side-splitting laugh. In just this short scene here, I counted 4 chuckles and 2 big laughs. Just in one scene!!!

The characters are very well constructed and I can tell who they are the minute the begin to speak. Both are likeable, but in a weird way. You somehow feel connected to them. Also, the plot of the show is fantastic. The more complex, the better.

I say sell this one to BBC and then after it's short run in England, bring it to America and make 22 episodes a year for many many years. I would watch this.

First time I have nothing bad to say.

Good job.

View original

Jesus Christ is this ever high praise. Thank you. That really means a lot. Honestly

No worries, mate.

I've got to say, I wish this was in production. I would move to the UK to see a show like this.

Finished it

ROD
As was I when I had the truth revealed to me. But hold onto the easter egg your nan bought you for Christmas because this is going to blow you away.

ROD WALKS UP A DRIVE WAY TO A SEMI-DETATCHED HOUSE WITH A GARAGE. HE GRABS HOLD OF THE GARAGE HANDLE AND SLIDES IT UPWARDS REVEALING AN EXTREMELY CLUTTERED GARAGE.

JEN AND TERRY - A SHORT, BADLY DRESSED AND CHUBBY MAN IN HIS EARLY TWENTIES - ARE SAT PLAYING CARDS.

ROD (CONT'D)
Welcome to our headquarters.

ROD WALKS IN.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - DAY

BRIAN
Headquarters?

ROD
Yep. Come in, take a seat and I’ll introduce you.

BRIAN WALKS INTO THE GARAGE AND LOOKS AROUND FOR A PLACE TO SIT. HE SETTLES FOR THE TOP OF A CHILD’S SLIDE.

ROD (CONT'D)
Right everyone. This is Brian Salt. He’s one of us now.

TERRY
Since when?

ROD
Since he saved my life Terry.

TERRY GLARES AT BRIAN WHO GIVES HIM A NERVOUS WAVE.

TERRY
Bit f**king abrupt isn’t it? Could have asked us like.

ROD
This friendly fellow is Terry. He’s our IT man. Specializes in the pre-emptive viewing of the hottest new movies through some incredibly complicated, techy means.

TERRY
It’s called Bit Torrent.

ROD
Right. “Bit Torrent”. Anyway, Terry here watches them before anyone else and then proceeds to spoil them on internet message boards across the land.

BRIAN
Why? That’s a bit of a shitty thing to do.

ROD
I’ll get to that in a moment. Over here we have the lovely Jen. Our go to undercover guy. Sorry. Girl... Sorry.

JEN
Hey.

BRIAN
Weren’t you working in the job center earlier?

JEN
Well not really.

ROD
Ah, that was truly a devilish plan. Executed with finesse and stealth!
Oh Brian, if you only knew of the machinations we put in action there!

JEN
Yes, like waiting for the guy to go to the toilet and then stealing his desk... Rod likes to exaggerate.

ROD
It was all in the timing. All in the timing.

TERRY ABRUPTLY STANDS UP AND SLAMS A PALM DRAMATICALLY ONTO THE TABLE.

TERRY
Sorry but I think it’s a bit shit inviting some guy none of us know along without asking!

BRIAN
If you’re that bothered I can leave.

ROD
You’ll do no such thing. Relax Terry.

JEN
Yeah. Give the guy a chance.

TERRY
Fine! But I’m not staying! I’m going home!

TERRY GOES FOR THE EXIT ONLY STOPPING TO GLARE AT BRIAN.

JEN
But this is your house.

TERRY STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.

TERRY
OK! Then I’m going to go play Katamari Damacy and eat ice cream!

TERRY WALKS PAST BRIAN AND STOPS TO GLARE AT HIM. HE THEN WALKS OVER TO THE FRIDGE, TAKES OUT SOME ICE CREAM, GLARES AT BRIAN AGAIN AND WALKS THROUGH A SIDE DOOR.

BRIAN
Christ! What’s his problem?

ROD
You’ll have to excuse him. He had a traumatic childhood.

CUT TO:

INT. TERRY’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

TERRY’S PARENTS ARE CURLED UP ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV. A VERY YOUNG TERRY WALKS IN CLUTCHING A PIECE OF PAPER TO HIS CHEST.

YOUNG TERRY
I made this for your birthday.

HE HANDS HIS FATHER THE PAPER, WHICH HAS A CRAYON PICTURE OF THE WHOLE STICK FIGURE FAMILY STANDING OUTSIDE A HOUSE.

FATHER
Oh would... Would you look at this. This is adorable!

HE HANDS IT TO TERRY’S MOTHER

MOTHER
Awwwwww.

THE FATHER GOES ONTO HIS KNEES AND PUTS A HAND ON TERRY’S SHOULDER.

FATHER
(CALMLY)
This is a terrible present and we both hate you.

HE PICKS TERRY UP AND IN ONE FLUID MOTION SILENTLY THROWS HIM OUT OF AN OPEN WINDOW. HE SITS BACK DOWN.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE - DAY
BRIAN
Shit, that’s awful! Is it true?

ROD RUBS HIS CHIN.

ROD
Probably not, no. Still, it sure would explain a lot wouldn’t it Jen?

JEN SHRUGS.

ROD (CONT'D)
Yeah. Yeah it would.

ROD STANDS THERE SMILING AND NODDING TO HIMSELF FOR A MOMENT. BRIAN GIVES HIM AN ODD LOOK.

JEN
Aren’t you going to explain what we’re all about Rod? Brian’s looking a bit confused.

ROD
Oh, sorry Brian! I did say I was going to explain all of this didn’t I?

BRIAN
You did.

ROD
Right. To begin with, everything you know is a lie. Everything. The government? A lie. Society? A lie. Freedom? A lie. Roy Chubby Brown? You’d better believe that’s a lie. As I said to you earlier, all the conspiracy theories you’ve heard are true! The world is run by lizards!

BEAT

BRIAN
Lizards?

JEN
That’s debatable.

ROD
Yes well, it’s run by the New World Order at the very least. A shadowy cabinet comprised of the most powerful men in the world. They control every division of government and their power grows each day. If they had their way, each and everyone of us would be but a puppet on a string. And that’s why we fight them with everything we have!

BRIAN
Wait, so are you guys some kind of terrorist cell or something?

ROD
Yes. That we are.

BRIAN GETS UP TO LEAVE

BRIAN
Bye then.

JEN
Woah, woah. Slow down there. Let him finish.

ROD
You’re right to be cautious Brian. Conventional terrorism isn’t nice. All that violence and shouting. Ugh. No, that’s not how we roll. We’re a different breed altogether. Our weapon. Is irritation!

JEN
The most effective weapon of them all... Apart from a nuke I guess.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE MCDONALD’S - DAY
A MAN RUNS DOWN A HIGHSTREET TOWARDS MCDONALD’S

ROD (V.O.)
Picture this. You’re late for work and you haven’t eaten breakfast. Missing brekkie just isn’t an option, you need brekkie to get through the day! So you go into McDonalds to get a Bacon And Egg McMuffin except you can’t!

THE MAN GOES TO ENTER MCDONALD’S BUT THE ENTRANCE IS BLOCKED BY SOMEONE TALKING ON A MOBILE PHONE. HE HAS HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA.

ROD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
There’s some guy on a mobile blocking the door!

THE MAN TRIES TO SQUEEZE PAST, BUT THE GUY ON THE MOBILE KEEPS MOVING AND CUTTING HIM OFF.

ROD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You try to get past him but he keeps moving. You yell, you scream and he just. Will. Not. Move!

THE MAN FALLS TO THE FLOOR SCREAMING. HE CLUTCHES HIS HEAD AND ROCKS BACK AND FORTH.

ROD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Who do you blame? The guy? The phone? Or that fine establishment McDonalds? Well Brian, you blame what any sane person would blame. The government.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I suppose. But so what?

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSY STREET - DAY

MANY PEOPLE, OF ALL DIFFERENT AGES, STAND IN THE STREET SCREAMING, PUNCHING THE WALLS AND SHAKING THEIR FISTS IN THE AIR.

ROD (V.O.)
So what? So what?! Don’t you see? An irritable public is a public looking for a scapegoat and that’s usually the government. How are the sinister powers that be to make their final, deadly move when everyone is so annoyed? It’ll be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

A MAN IN A POOR GIANT LIZARD COSTUME ROUNDS THE CORNER AND DRAMATICALLY THROWS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR.

LIZARDMAN
(SHOUTING)
Behold me peons! I am your ne//

OLD MAN
Now this is just taking the piss! Let’s get him!

LIZARDMAN
//w God! Bow dow//

THE CROWD RUN AT HIM AND KNOCK HIM TO THE FLOOR. THEY FORM A CIRCLE AROUND HIM AND START KICKING AND PUNCHING HIM.

ROD (V.O.)
There’ll be an uprising! A revolution!

LIZARDMAN
Oww... Owww. Owww... Owww.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE MCDONALD’S - DAY

THE MAN IS NOW CRYING HIS EYES OUT AND BEATING HIS FISTS AGAINST THE FLOOR.

ROD (V.O.)
Do you see? That man on the mobile is me!

THE GUY ON THE PHONE TURNS AROUND AND WE SEE THAT IT IS ROD WHO SMILES WRYLY.

ROD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Me protecting my country! Oh and Jen is there protecting her country too while doing a crossword puzzle.

JEN IS SAT DOWN INSIDE MCDONALD’S POURING OVER A NEWSPAPER.

CUT TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY

THE THREE OF THEM STAND IN SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

JEN
You OK Brian? It’s a lot to take in.

BRIAN
It is isn’t it?

ROD
So what do you say? Will you join the good fight Brian? Will you take the blue pill or//

JEN
Oh God, don’t say tha//

ROD
//the red pill?

JEN
Great. A Matrix reference.

BRIAN
To be fair, it is appropriate.

JEN
Whatever.

ROD
So Brian?

BRIAN
I don’t know. I’m not entirely sure I believe all of this. But it’s not like I’m doing anything at the moment.

JEN
How about tonight? You busy?

BRIAN
No.

JEN
Fantastic. Why don’t you come along with us tonight? See us do our thing and make your mind up then.

BRIAN
OK, sure.

ROD
You won’t regret it. For tonight we put our greatest plan yet into action! Months have gone into orchestrating this masterpiece! Months! You will not believe the twisted genius at wor//

CUT TO:

INT. PIZZA HUT - NIGHT

ROD, BRIAN AND JEN ARE IN HANDCUFFS AND BEING LED AWAY BY TWO POLICE OFFICERS. BEHIND THEM IS A CHILDREN’S PARTY. ALL THE KIDS ARE CRYING.

BRIAN
Sorry! Really, really sorry!

MOTHER
(SHOUTING)
You’ve ruined Jimmy’s sixth birthday you monster!

BRIAN
Sorry!

ROD
Don’t apologize. This is part of the plan!

CUT TO:

INT. CONSTABLE BARRY’S OFFICE - NIGHT

JEN, ROD AND BRIAN ARE SAT IN AN EMPTY OFFICE.

JEN
That could have gone better.

THE DOOR OPENS AND CONSTABLE BARRY - A GREY HAIRED MAN IN HIS LATE FOURTIES - ENTERS. HE SITS BEHIND HIS DESK AND JUST LOOKS AT THE THREE OF THEM FOR A MOMENT.

CONSTABLE BARRY
Guys.

ROD
(SCOWLING)
Officer

JEN
Hey Barry.

CONSTABLE BARRY
Mind telling me what you were playing at with that performance?

ROD
I’m not telling you anything.

CONSTABLE BARRY
Didn’t think you would. What am I going to do with you Rod? You’re in here at least once a week. Don’t you have anything better to do?

ROD
There is nothing finer than fighting for one’s country.

CONSTABLE BARRY
Jesus Christ.

CONSTABLE BARRY POINTS AT BRIAN.

CONSTABLE BARRY (CONT'D)
Not seen you before.

BRIAN
Names Brian Salt.

CONSTABLE BARRY
Well Brian, you’d best get some new friends if you don’t want to be spending your nights in my office.

BRIAN
Actually this is the most exciting time I’ve had in a while.

CONSTABLE BARRY
Your life must be a barrel of laughs. Come on guys. You’re not idiots, can’t you find something to pass the time that doesn’t piss people off? I’ve got enough problems dealing with the gobshites, let alone you.

JEN
Sorry Barry. We don’t mean to make your job difficult.

ROD
Yes we do!

CONSTABLE BARRY
You don’t need to apologize Jen. I just wish you lot would pull yourselves together. You’re not bad kids but I’m getting sick of this. Next time I’m going to charge you with wasting Police time. Understand?

THEY ALL NOD.

CONSTABLE BARRY (CONT'D)
Good. Now go.

THE THREE OF THEM GO TO LEAVE.

CONSTABLE BARRY (CONT’D)
Oh, and by the way. You’re all banned from Pizza Hut.

ROD
We don’t care!

THEY WALK OUT.

ROD (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Shit. I really liked the all you can eat buffet there.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION - NIGHT

BRIAN, JEN AND ROD WALK OUT OF THE POLICE STATION

ROD
Ah. Sweet freedom

JEN
You have fun Brian?

BRIAN
Yeah actually. A lot of fun.

JEN
Glad to hear it

ROD
It won’t always be fun of course. The fights worth fighting never are. Sometimes they’re a gruelling battle against the forces of evil. Maybe you’ll lose an arm and scream at the heavens, ‘why God? Why? I’m on your side friend! I really needed that’ and then you’ll shake your fist at him until he takes that arm too for sassing him. And then you won’t have any arms and it will be the opposite of fun. It will be unfun.

BEAT

ROD (CONT'D)
But yeah, for the most part it is a pretty good time.

BRIAN
So. What do you guys want to do now?

JEN
There’s a pretty good pub up the road if you guys want to get a drink?

BRIAN
Yeah OK.

ROD
Sounds good.

THE THREE OF THEM START WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

BRIAN
By the way, what did you guys think of my acting earlier? Was I convincing?

JEN
Oh yeah. You looked really menacing.

BRIAN
I did? But I was going for indifferent

ROD
I thought you were supposed to look forlorn?

BRIAN
No. Indifferent.

JEN
But your face was all screwed up like you were grimacing or something.

BRIAN
Really? Hmmm. Looks like another session in front of the mirror for me.

THEY WALK OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

FADE OUT.

Wow. You get a slow-clap from me. This is excellent.

HOWEVER, the last line...WHY?! Calling back to something earlier in the show is always a good idea, but this is a little too obvious. I like how much he defends his character, but then he just gives up in the end. Maybe that's part of his character that I don't understand yet. I thought it might be funnier if he got silently angry with them, made a "menacing" look, and then they all would respond with, "There we go! That's indifferent!". Of course written and thought out a little better, but you get the idea!

Other than that, I loved it. Great job. You and I, when we are rich and famous, must work on something together.

Quote: Luke Messimer @ July 17, 2007, 5:51 PM

Wow. You get a slow-clap from me. This is excellent.

HOWEVER, the last line...WHY?! Calling back to something earlier in the show is always a good idea, but this is a little too obvious. I like how much he defends his character, but then he just gives up in the end. Maybe that's part of his character that I don't understand yet. I thought it might be funnier if he got silently angry with them, made a "menacing" look, and then they all would respond with, "There we go! That's indifferent!". Of course written and thought out a little better, but you get the idea!

Other than that, I loved it. Great job. You and I, when we are rich and famous, must work on something together.

View original

That's a good point. Didn't think of that.
And yeah sure thing man. I'll bring the hookers and you bring the booze

Sounds illegal and fun.

I read some & I liked Socknose.

Ps. I think Luke lurrrrrrves you.

How about this?

JEN
But your face was all screwed up like you were grimacing or something.
BRIAN LOOKS ANGRY
ROD
Forlorn?
BRIAN
No. Pissed.
ROD
You look forlorn.
BRIAN
(WHISPERING)
F**k you.
THEY WALK OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
FADE OUT.

HA! Very funny. I like it.

I think the fact that you can curse on television in England is a shame. Not because cursing offends me, but because bleeping it out makes it just so much funnier. (example: Arrested Development, Clark and Michael, The Office, ect.)