Against the Law (sitcom excerpt)

EDIT: Wow! Have I got a wild ride of sitcom madness to make you laugh, feel happy and even a little bit sexy.

Read this and fall in love, with me, the characters and me again! And I'll even throw in a celebrity of your choice, that's right a celebrity of your choice!! A-Y-listers not included

Here I am again, half a sitcom in hand, asking for your feedback.

I'm wanting to know if to start off with a big bang or if it would be better to start slow, giving the eventual big bang more boom... hopefully you understand that.

The very first scene has no jokes, as I've just added it, for a setup, but I will add jokes if the scene is staying.

http://pc.celtx.com/project/2mx43K56V4Eo

Cheers.

(Click on Screenplay, on the left-hand side)

Quote: Leevil @ January 18 2009, 6:01 PM GMT

Ok, here's another re-done version of the one up there, tell me what you think, cheers...

http://pc.celtx.com/project/2mx43K56V4Eo/view/http://celtx.com/res/dlx5Dh6LDQjX

or if that doesn't work...

http://pc.celtx.com/project/2mx43K56V4Eo (Click on Excerpt 2)

View original

To start your intro post didn't inspire me to read it much lol

I liked the end. Is it going to be animated? or Live action?

Will Law get a partner someone a bit more normal?

I liked it, strong central character, reminded me a bit of the general in blackadder goes forth.

Got potential.

Quote: Gavin @ January 13 2009, 6:24 PM GMT

To start your intro post didn't inspire me to read it much lol

I liked the end. Is it going to be animated? or Live action?

Will Law get a partner someone a bit more normal?

View original

Live action, although I imagine some cartoon physics (anything can happen).

Law will get a partner, kind of.

Thanks for checking it out.

Quote: jacparov @ January 13 2009, 6:29 PM GMT

I liked it, strong central character, reminded me a bit of the general in blackadder goes forth.

Got potential.

View original

Thanks, although I have another actor in mind to play that part, but I don't know if I dare say who, cos I want it to be seen through fresh eyes.

Cheers.

I'm not sure what you mean by no jokes. There are several visual gags and a couple of moments of bathos (I think) and comic confusion. Whilst not side-splittingthat's plenty to be going on with especially as the characters are coming to life nicely, which is probably your main purpose.

Definitely leaves you wanting more.

With regard to slow burn or big bang, I think either works if done well, and it is here.

Just the first bit, in the Chief Inspectors office. I wasn't sure whether to start with Law bursting in or setting up the other characters first and then have Law invade that world.

Thanks for your feedback Ponderer.

Ah. In that case, I think the way you have it is best. After Law's bursting in I think the watcher would be too distracted to pick up the subtler plot/character developments in the meeting.

Yeah, good point. Thanks again.

Before I read this, are you going to finish the episode?

Quote: Badge @ January 14 2009, 1:14 AM GMT

Before I read this, are you going to finish the episode?

View original

Well not BEFORE you read it. But yes, I WILL finish this episode, even if it kills me. Or you, I'm not fussy.

Quote: Leevil @ January 14 2009, 1:35 AM GMT

Well not BEFORE you read it. But yes, I WILL finish this episode, even if it kills me. Or you, I'm not fussy.

View original

I'll read it then. I mean now.

EDIT

Okay, I've read it now. It wasn't as much as I'd expected.

Sorry to say I found it muddled. It doesn't help that you seem to have spelled one of the character's names wrong in the first few lines (Frost/Foster), and manage to spell another one differently later on (Barker/Baker). All of this made it confusing for me to read as there seemed to be more characters than there really are. It also made me wonder if Barker was really also Benson, even though it turned out he wasn't.

In the opening gambit Barker moves instantly from being confused by Foster to being conspiratorial with him. I didn't understand that.

On the plus side Law's entrance and character are better stuff (shades of Lord Flashheart?). But I'd agree that it's better not to fly in with that straight up.

Not much more to say as it wasn't very long. Make it longer.

I regret now, not putting up a more polished version and thanks for pointing out those mistakes, I was blind to them.

I'm glad Law's character came across well, yes certainly shades of Flashheart now you mention it.

Appreciate the quick review. But you and Ponderer have answered my question and it shall help a lot.

Thanks.

I pretty much agree with Badge. I was confused as hell when I started reading. Abbreviating the chief inspector and inspector roles to C.I. and I. caught me out also, particularly when it was just I. as I read it as I, then wasn't sure if it was a Roman numeral. If it were me, I'd write chief inspector/inspector each time for clarity.

As a reader, I was also confused when Law enters the office with the others and the action said something like 'it dawns on him quicker this time'. I wondered what dawned on him, as I assumed that was the place he was looking for in the first instance. You may want to make it clearer that's it's the wrong office, before he realises it himself.

Now I'm thinking about it, I wonder if you need the initial set up scene, as whoever it is is presumably not going to resign after all, do we need to know at this point they were thinking about doing so?

It may be funnier to have law striding down the corridor like a full on hardcase cop as the opening scene. Then he bursts into the kitchen, takes it in, realises his mistake and marches out again.

Personally, I would finish writing the episode, that is, get to the end of the story you want to tell, and you will probably find you've written too much. Then you will need to tighten everything up which will mean sacrificing some of your favourite bits to move the story forward. Then you should be much better placed to judge what should stay and what has to go.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't worry about each scene too much until you've done a preliminary draft. Then you can focus on the bits that you need to keep, rather than get bogged down in the opening scenes and spend so long on them that you loose the enthusiasm to continue. Not trying to teach you to suck eggs of course.

There wasn't a lot to go on, but I liked it once I'd worked out who was who. I'd read more.

Thanks for the feedback Steve, much appreciated and points made have been noted.

Might as well get back to it then.

Ok, here's another re-done version of the one up there, tell me what you think, cheers...

http://pc.celtx.com/project/2mx43K56V4Eo/view/http://celtx.com/res/dlx5Dh6LDQjX

or if that doesn't work...

http://pc.celtx.com/project/2mx43K56V4Eo (Click on Excerpt 2)