The anti joke

So who likes anti jokes?

Anti jokes being the humour where the jokes is either deliberately obvious or unfunny, with the aim being it's alieness or other worldliness encourages humour.

Andy Kaufman and early Vic and Bob made careers out of this style of dadaist humour. As any one who's read my sorrowful attempts in critique will havfe noticed I love antijokes. The weirdness, the wrongness, the pulling humour from the strangest places. Or maybe I'm just not very funny, who knows?

So come on antijoke fans, let's hear your favourites or ones you invented. And if you don't like 'em tell us why.

Sootyj's 2 current favorit antijokes he invented.

1 DR Mr SMith you have AIDS.
MR SMITH What does this mean?
DR I won't f**k you.

2 My dogs got no nose, I cut it's head off I was depressed.

Your mommas so fat she's at risk of diabetes

From the fantastic Phil Cornwell as Gilbert the Alien on Get Fresh:

Gazztop (for it is he): I say, I say, I say, my dog has no nose.

Gilbert: He must have been the one I saw in the post office then.

Then there was a phase in the late 80's when surreal jokes were doing the rounds, here are the ones that I (and everyone else) probably remembers:

Why does a fish? Because it can.

What's red and sits in a corner? A naughty fire engine.

Why did the boy fall off the swing? Because he was dead.

That's what dadaist humour is? I've always loved that style of jokes. The 'because it was dead' punchline I know from a rik mayall joke:-

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.

I also like:

What green, 12ft long, has 6 legs and would kill you if it jumped out of a tree on you? A snooker table.

What's green and sits in a cage? A canary that isn't ripe yet.

Why are leopards spotted? So you can tell them from flamingoes.

What have a tree and a snowball got in common? They're both green except the snowball.

Why is snow white? So it can blend in with the polar bears.

Why did the parrot fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey.

You three are a right pair.

Don't know if that counts,but I like it anyway.

Oh no Beelzebozo, you've just made me think of the worst joke ever:

Why musn't you go into the jungle after six o'clock?

It rains elephants.

Why are crocodiles flat?

They went out after six o'clock.

That was truly awful, please don't hit me.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 17 2009, 2:16 PM GMT

From the fantastic Phil Cornwell as Gilbert the Alien on Get Fresh:

Gazztop (for it is he): I say, I say, I say, my dog has no nose.

Gilbert: He must have been the one I saw in the post office then.

View original

What is the difference between a duck ?
One of its legs is both the same.

Ah a classic!

What did the sausage say to the other sausage in the frying pan?
This is agony and then they eat us alive.

What's brown and sticky?
Excrement, it also smells.

I don't understand this thread.
It's because I'm as thick as shit.

Not at all antijokes are an aquired taste.

Otherwise Stu Francis would have gone.
Knock knocK
Who's there?
Your doorbells broken.

Inspired by Sooty's gag, here is yet another craptacular effort:

A Sausage and an Egg are frying in the pan. The Egg says 'Phew it's hot in here' and the Sausage says 'F**k me! A talking egg!'

Snowman 1 Can you smell carrots?
Snowman2 They build us with out legs to await our boiling deaths.
Snowman1 But can you smell carrots?
Snowman2 We are not but sacrifical lamb to their solar cult.
Snowman1 Can you f**king smell carrots?
Snowman2 No I've got a piece of coal for a nose.

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mummy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bob."
"Oh, come in."

Three women are on an plane. One's a blonde, ones a red head, one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and there was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of your possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau-" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.

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John Tomson's Bernard Righton character did these, of course.

Two poofs walk into a bar . . . It's a free society, good for them.