In The Clubhouse - Feedback please

This sit com is set in a bowls club and is basically one long scene.

Characters come in and out and the plot develops. This extract is about half way through and Carl has just helped himself to some leftovers in the fridge.

Would really appreciate feedback re: The Pace and general flow

Brief character run-down

PERCY: Barman, 70's

CARL: Not very clever, 20 ish

DOUG: Painter and Decorator, 30's

AUDREY: Ladies Captain, 40's

JEAN: Married to Bob. A little stuck up, 50's.

BOB: Married to Jean. Bank Manager. Late 50's.

SUE WALKS IN, LATE 30's, OVERWEIGHT, LOUD BUT INNOFFESSIVE

SUE:
Blimey, have you seen it out there! It's like a scene from (THINKING) What's that programme with Doctor's and Nurses . .

STILL TRYING TO REMEMBER

PERCY:
Casualty

SUE:
No, it's like that though

DOUG:
Holby

SUE:
Similar, but with funny accents

CARL IS LOOKING UP TO THE SKY, THINKING OUT LOUD, MAKING AN "ER" NOISE AS HE DOES SO

SUE:
That's it E.R. I always get it confused with that other American thing

CARL:
Scrubs!

THINKING HE'S ON A ROLL

SUE:
No. E.T.

SUE: CONTINUED
So how is everyone. What's going on out there

PERCY:
Some young girl fell off of Carl's motorbike

SUE:
Were you doing laps around the park again Carl? I've told you before, your bike's not powerful enough to get two of you up that hill

JEAN AND AUDREY GIVE CARL A NASTY LOOK

CARL:
No nothing like that. My bike was stolen Sue. I'm a victim of crime

CARL GIVES SUE A LOOK THAT SAYS MOVE ON, SUE GETS THE LOOK, RAISES HER EYEBROWS AND DROPS IT

SUE:
Percy, I'll have my usual please

PERCY:
and what's you usual today?

SUE:
I'm on a detox. I'll have a tomato juice topped up with coke. Diet coke!

DOUG:
Do you want some food Sue?

AUDREY:
She's on a detox Doug. You really can be so insensitive

SUE:
It's only a drink detox Audrey. I can eat what I like and I haven't eaten since breakfast

JEAN:
You haven't eaten since this morning?

SUE:
Well no, I had a bowl of Coco Pops before I came out

CARL:
Did the milk go brown

SUE NODS WHILE EATING

CARL:
Every time!

SUE REACHES OVER AND GRABS A SAUSAGE AND SQUEEZES A LONG LINE OF KETCHUP DOWN IT'S LENGTH

SUE:
Anyway, seeing that young girl, lying there covered in blood. It's enough to put anyone off their food

SUE TAKES A BIG BITE

BOB:
Not you though eh, Sue

SUE:
Nope, it's all the years working in the

JEAN:
Hospital

JEAN INTERRUPTS

SUE:
Bingo Hall

CARL:
Do you want some food Percy?

PERCY HAS A LOOK AT THE TRAY

PERCY:
I'll have a bit of Cheese please Carl, and a couple of Biscuits.

CARL:
Cheddar?

CARL OFFERS BY HOVERING HIS KNIFE OVER THE CHEESE

PERCY:
Too Hard

CARL:
Brie

PERCY:
Too Soft

CARL:
Feta

PERCY:
Too White

CARL:
Red Leicester

PERCY:
Too Orange

CARL:
Edam

PERCY:
Too Dutch

CARL:
Dairy Lea

PERCY:
Perfect

PERCY RUBS HIS HANDS, CARL CARRIES OVER TWO BISCUITS WITH A SLICE OF DAIRY LEA ON TOP OF EACH

AUDREY:
I've not been able to eat cheese since the Doctor told me I was Dairy intolerant. I had to give up having milk on my Weet-a-bix. Then the next week he told me I was Wheat intolerant. I didn't see that coming.

CARL:
I love cheese. I've even made my own Cheese

DOUG COUGHS

DOUG:
You can't make your own bed!

CARL:
Stich I called it!

DOUG:
How did you make it?

CARL:
It's a complicated process. It requires patience and two main ingredients

BOB:
Curds and Whey!

CARL:
No, Stilton and Cheddar. You just mix them together to get the perfect blend of Stich

JEAN:
That's not really making a cheese Carl. That's just putting two different things together.

CARL:
People make their own sandwiches and that's just putting two different things together

JEAN:
Well, yes, erm . . .

JEAN LOOKS DOWN TO THINK OF AN ANSWER AND STRAIGHTENS HER BLOUSE

DOUG:
Chest!

JEAN:
I beg your pardon !

DOUG:
He should have called it Chest, not Stich. Much better name. I'd like a little nibble of your chest please madam.

LOOKING TOWARDS JEAN

JEAN:
Disgusting

DOUG:
May I have a little feel of your chest please . . . (CARRYING ON)

DOUG AND CARL ARE SMILING AND SNIGGERING, BOB IS LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE, THINKING OF SOMETHING TO BREAK THE AWKWARDNESS

BOB:
I've never, er, been much of a fan myself

EVERYONE LOOKS AT BOB, ROOM IS SILENT

BOB:
Not Firm enough for me.

JEAN'S FACE IS RED WITH ANGER

BOB:
I'll take a good Mature Cheddar over a Stilton any day

CLEAR SIGNS OF RELIEF ALL AROUND

SUE:
Thank God Bob, I could have sworn you were talking about Jean's Kno . .(SUE HOLDS HER HANDS OUT, MIMING)

TED:
Knock Knock . . .

TED ENTERS THE CLUBHOUSE AND INTERRUPTS SUE BEFORE SHE SAYS THE WORD

ALL:
Ted !

Lovely pace, easily conceivable and interesting characters, great lines that vary from subtle to crass; I like it. Feels Smoking Room-esque.

My only question is whether the plot is advancing enough, but then it is only an excerpt so I can't comment too much on that.

I liked the bit about E.R. It had some nice rhythm.

Quote: Stu R @ January 15 2009, 2:33 PM GMT

Lovely pace, easily conceivable and interesting characters, great lines that vary from subtle to crass; I like it. Feels Smoking Room-esque.

My only question is whether the plot is advancing enough, but then it is only an excerpt so I can't comment too much on that.

View original

You've seen straight through me Stu! Smoking Room was indeed my inspiration. I wanted to write something that, once it gets refused by everyone, could still easily be performed in the simplest of locations.

Re: the plot advancing. I agree that from the exerpt it seems a little stationary, but this is the muddle in the middle, for want of a better phrase. The episode does have a defined beginning and an end that pulls it all together (I Hope)

Thanks for that Curt, that was one of the bits I was most unsure about actually

It's very nice Minty - great believable dialogue but VERY Smoking Room. Is that a bad thing? I don't know - as I understand it the current climate is looking more towards audience - based, "big" comedies as opposed to subtle character studies like this.

But it's very good.

I think you're right Lee, that there's a significant demand for audience stuff, but there'll always be a place for these kinds of sitcoms. Maybe just not quite as big a place as 5 years back.

I really liked this. Really nice feel and use of language. The sort of hting that will have people repeating bits of it. But for the right reasons rather than all that catch phrase call and response stuff.

As an aside, how do people get to know what current trends are? Is there a current trends in sitcom magazine that I've missed?

Thanks for the feedback so far guys. I thought I'd post another little bit. This bit actually comes before the exerpt above, just to confuse you!

Kirsty has arrived to pick up her Granddad, they are going out for a family meal and Carl has just told everyone that he loosens the nuts on the wheels of his motorbike, so that the kids can't steal it

KIRSTY:
I have had an absolute nightmare trying to park

AUDREY:
I brought it up at the AGM. The spaces are too tight. I nearly always end up over the lines

DOUG:
Nothing to do with the fact that women can't park then Audrey ? I never seem to have any problems.

AUDREY:
You drive a Smart Car Doug ! Your car may be between the lines, but the ladder overlaps the opposite space, which means no-one can park opposite you

DOUG:
I'm glad. The way you guys park!

JEAN:
You do know kids treat your car as a kind of hang out. They get high on the paint fumes, then use your ladder as a Monkey frame

KIRSTY:
I didn't have any trouble parking, in fact, I slid straight in opposite Doug

ALL LOOK ROUND WONDERING HOW SHE DID IT

REG:
Kirsty has a Lotus Elsie

KIRSTY:
That's your girlfriend Granddad. It's a Lotus Elise

EXPLAINING TO OTHERS

KIRSTY:
The problem was getting into the car park in the first place. The Ambulance was blocking the entrance

JEAN:
Ambulance. I do hope it's not for Freda

KIRSTY:
I don't think it is. Looks like some kid has come off of their motorbike

JEAN:
Are you happy with yourself Carl?

CARL:
There's no proof that it was my bike. What colour was it

KIRSTY:
It was Red and White

CARL:
See, wasn't my bike. Mine's white

PUTS HIS HANDS TOGETHER AS IF PRAYING

KIRSTY:
I'm pretty sure the red was the blood

CARL:
What have I done, what have I done..

CARL RUNS OUT OF THE CLUBHOUSE

JEAN:
Loosening the wheel nuts like that. Some poor mother could be without a Son

KIRSTY:
There's no chance of that

JEAN:
What a relief

KIRSTY:
It was a girl

PERCY:
I came off of my motorbike once. A Cat ran out in front of me

JEAN:
And you swerved to avoid it!

PERCY:
No, I hit it at full speed . . .

AUDREY:
and that's what knocked you off?

PERCY:
No, I didn't feel a thing

BOB:
So what happened?

PERCY:
The owner saw it happen and chased me in his car, he knocked me off just by the roundabout

JEAN:
Were you hurt

PERCY:
I faired better than the cat. I paid for the cremation, and the damage to his car. I had the wrong glasses on. Bi-focals. Couldn't see anything from eye level down.

BOB:
What speed were you doing

PERCY:
No idea

JEAN:
Because of your glasses

PERCY:
No, the speedo was broken

CARL COMES RUSHING BACK IN

CARL:
Everything's going to be just fine. She's got a few scrapes on her body, but nothing is broken. Little Britney's going to be ok

JEAN:
Oh thank the Lord

DOUG:
Much damage to the bike?

CARL:
I was talking about my bike

BOB:
Dear god, how is the girl?

CARL:
She's gonna be ok. I've cut a deal so she's not going to press any charges

DOUG:
What, a new hoodie?

CARL:
and a £5 top up for her mobile

KIRSTY:
Right Granddad. Let's get you to the restaurant. Mum will be waiting

DOUG:
Where are you off to Reg?

REG:
Luigi's. They do a lovely pasta dish. It's made with a meat called Pollo, some Italian meat I think, but my daughter won't eat it

BOB:
Chicken!

REG:
I suppose so, she won't eat any foreign meat

EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND AS IF TO SAY FOOL, CARL IS NODDING IN AGREEMENT

Quote: Ponderer @ January 15 2009, 4:03 PM GMT

As an aside, how do people get to know what current trends are? Is there a current trends in sitcom magazine that I've missed?

View original

Talking to producers mainly.

I came to this one later on so had a chance to read it in the right order.

As others have said cracking piece and has a great gag count. My only comment, in common with Stu R, is the plot moving forward enough?

I don't know if you can have too many gags in a sitcom(?) but I feel that it's probably this that's smothering the plot a bit.

Certainly reading it once you get into the style and pace, you learn that nothing is a line in its own right and that more often it's a feed for a gag, albeit a very good gag. But strangely I think that were I viewing this my attention might be broken as I started to try and second-guess where the next gag was coming from.

Nevertheless a damn fine read and I liked it a lot.

Never saw The Smoking Room so don't have that problem in making the comparison. Sound work though but.

B

Really appreciate the comments.

Have just had a quick look at what the BBC have said about The Smoking Room and it says the following . . . Big on witty dialogue, short on plot!

So maybe there is hope for me yet? If you want to see how it begins and ends feel free to PM me and I'll send it over

Hi Minty,

I enjoyed the read too! Nice bounce and pace to it without a lot of flab. The only problem you might have is where you would place it. I guess its a BBC1 sort of sitcom - Dinnerladies type feel - but the chances nowadays of a newbie getting their sitcom on BBC1 is ... well it's extremely unlikely, but then again it's not a BBC Three type of sitcom or BBC2 really - which leaves you and a lot of others bent over a barrel. Might sound like a mad idea but have you considered turning it into a radio sitcom?
Marc

Surprisingly, bits of this actually made me laugh, well done Minty. As your story doesn't have a lot of action, I think you should follow Marc P's advice (but not on fashion) and turn this into a radio piece.

Thanks guys. Appreciate you reading it. Morrace and Timbo haven't sunk their claws in yet so I won't be getting carried away just yet

I like this neat gags, pacy and conivncing characters. This is very enjoyable.