British Comedy Guide

My Zombie Wife!

An attempt at something a bit different. It's long but in its proper application it's meant to be a four parter. Comments welcome.

INT. BUTCHER'S SHOP – DAY

B-MOVIE STYLE TITLE:
"MY ZOMBIE WIFE!"

THOMAS APPROACHES A BUTCHER AT THE COUNTER. THOMAS IS SWEATY -- ON EDGE.

BUTCHER:
What'll it be today, Thomas?

THOMAS:
Just the usual please, Bob.

BUTCHER:
Right you are.

HE SLAPS DOWN A LARGE, QUIVERING BRAIN ON SOME WAX PAPER.

BUTCHER:
You spoil that dog of yours, you do.

THOMAS:
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Yes… my dog…

A BEAD OF SWEAT ROLLS DOWN THOMAS' BROW. SUSPICIOUS, THE BUTCHER PASSES THOMAS HIS PURCHASE.

INT. CELLAR - DAY

THOMAS MAKES HIS WAY DOWN A RICKETY FLIGHT OF STEPS. A LOW MOANING SOUND CAN BE HEARD BELOW. THOMAS PULLS A CORD AND A DIM BULB FLICKERS ON.

CHAINED TO A TABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS THOMAS' ZOMBIE WIFE – A DISGUSTING, ROTTING CORPSE.

ZOMBIE WIFE:
Brains! Brains!

SHE STRAINS FURIOUSLY AT HER MANACLES.

THOMAS:
Okay, but take your time with this one, dear - Bob's starting to get suspicious.

USING A POOL CUE, THOMAS CAREFULLY PUSHES THE BRAIN ACROSS THE TABLE. HIS ZOMBIE WIFE TEARS INTO IT HUNGRILY.

THOMAS (CONT):
I've been talking on the internet to a doctor in Switzerland, honey. He says he knows a cure. For your illness I mean.

ZOMBIE WIFE:
Urrrggggh! Arrrrrgh!

THOMAS:
You're right, it's probably just a way to scam money out of us.

THOMAS SLUMPS IN A CHAIR, DEFEATED.

THOMAS (CONT):
I just… I miss how it used to be, you know? Before all this.

INT. LOUNGE/KITCHEN – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

THOMAS IS TALKING TO HIS WIFE (PRE-ZOMBIFICATION) FROM THE KITCHEN AS HE WASHES A BIG PILE OF DISHES. SHE'S SAT IN THE LOUNGE PICKING AWAY AT A WHAT'S LEFT OF A BOWL OF CORN CHIPS.

THOMAS:
I was talking to George before he left. Did you hear him and Mary went on safari while they were out there?

IN THE LOUNGE, SHIVERING NOW, THOMAS' WIFE SETS DOWN THE DORITO BOWL AND WRAPS HERSELF IN A BLANKET.

THOMAS (CONT):
Well, they sort of did - apparently Mary came down sick with something. Bitten by a monkey he said! Doctor cleared her for rabies but she was still feeling iffy so they cut the holiday short.

THOMAS' WIFE LOOKS REALLY ROUGH NOW. HER CHEEKS LOOK SUNKEN AND SHE WEARS DARK RINGS UNDER HER EYES.

THOMAS (CONT):
He didn't look so good either if you ask me. I just hope he hasn't caught what she's got the way he was rummaging around the Doritos tonight.

THOMAS' WIFE SHOOTS A CONCERNED LOOK TO THE BOWL BY HER SIDE.

THOMAS:
That's George though – I wonder if he's got two brain cells to rub together sometimes.

ZOMBIE WIFE:
Brains…?

INT. CELLAR – DAY

WE RETURN TO THOMAS SAT LAMENTING IN HIS CHAIR.

THOMAS:
(SAD) It's not going to happen is it? We're never going back.

HIS EYE WANDERS TO A PILE OF BOXES STACKED IN THE CORNER. WRITTEN ON ONE IS THE WORD "MEMORIES". SUDDENLY COMING TO LIFE, THOMAS SCRAMBLES OVER AND RIPS THE BOX APART. DIGGING INSIDE, HE TRIUMPHANTLY PLUCKS OUT A BOOK. ON THE COVER IS WRITTEN "WEDDING PHOTOS". THOMAS' FACE LIGHTS UP AS HE TURNS TO HIS ZOMBIE WIFE.

INT. CELLAR - DAY

THOMAS IS DRESSED IN A TOP HAT AND TAILS. HIS ZOMBIE WIFE WEARS A WEDDING DRESS. A POLAROID CAMERA SITS BEFORE THEM ON A TRIPOD.

THOMAS:
I can't believe I didn't think of this before, honey! You just need reminding, that's all! Look…

HE LEAFS THROUGH THE PHOTO ALBUM ARRIVING AT A PICTURE OF THEIR WEDDING DAY. THEY'RE DRESSED AS THEY ARE NOW AND LOOK VERY HAPPY. UNDER THE PHOTO IS THE INSCRIPTION "TOGETHER FOREVER."

THOMAS (CONT):
Remember?

HIS ZOMBIE WIFE LOOKS CONFUSED.

THOMAS (CONT):
That's okay, sweetheart - that's why we're doing this - so you'll remember.

SHE SNARLS AND BANGS HER FISTS ON THE TABLE.

ZOMBIE WIFE:
Brains!

THOMAS:
Did you hear me? We're going to renew our vows! Isn't that exciting? All I need is for you to hold still while I put on your veil. Can you do that for me?

HIS ZOMBIE WIFE GOES QUIET SUDDENLY. PLACID. MEEK AS A MOUSE.

THOMAS (CONT):
(OVERWHELMED) Thank you, honey! Thank you so much! This is good! This is going to work – I know it!

HIS ZOMBIE WIFE WATCHES AS THOMAS LOWERS THE VEIL CAREFULLY ONTO HER CROWN. WE CATCH A LOVING LOOK IN HER EYE THEN --

-- SNAP! AS SHE BITES DOWN ON HIS HAND. THOMAS SCREAMS.

INT. CELLAR – DAY

THOMAS AND HIS ZOMBIE WIFE ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. THE CHAINS FITTED TO THE TABLE DANGLE FREELY NOW.

TWO POLICEMEN DESCEND FROM THE STAIRS - OFFICERS BENTON AND PRENTIS.

OFFICER BENTON:
CALLING OUT) Anybody there?

HE SHINES A TORCH AROUND THE ROOM AND FINDS NOTHING.

OFFICER BENTON (CONT):
What did I tell you - they're good and gone.

OFFICER PRENTIS:
(TO RADIO) Officer Prentis to dispatch – we've got a negative on that missing persons -- over.

BENTON CASTS HIS TORCH BEAM OVER THE TABLE AND SEES THE PHOTO ALBUM LYING OPEN. HE MOVES IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK. LYING ON TOP OF THE ALBUM IS A SINGLE POLAROID. IN IT, A GROTESQUE ZOMBIE WIFE IN A WEDDING DRESS STANDS ARM IN ARM WITH --

-- HER ZOMBIE HUSBAND, THOMAS.

OFFICER PRENTIS:
What the…?

SUDDENLY, FROM BEHIND THE STACK OF REMOVAL BOXES, THE TWO ZOMBIES SPRING.

CLOSE UP ON THE WEDDING PHOTO AS THE SCREAMING OFFICERS ARE SET UPON. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF FLESH RENT ASUNDER AS BLOOD SPATTERS ACROSS THE INSCRIPTION…

…"TOGETHER FOREVER."

THE END

I see it as a sketch in a very dark sitcom, with the last part being in the final episode. I think it suffers from a slight lack of identity to begin with though as you present it as a B-Movie horror film with close ups on sweat beads. You don't really need it to carry this off at all as it unravels as just a general sketch really well.

I like the idea alot and the introduction is very good.
If anything it's a tad short.

I think the how she got infected is a distraction, I suspect there's more laughs in a sitcom meets Hammer house approach.

I think the humour in that scene doesn't come from how she was infected, but the husband "reminiscing" on the good old days when he used to talk at her and not pay any attention to what was happening to her. The fact that these are the days he reflects on makes that scene quite amusing.

Quote: TomCampbell @ January 15 2009, 10:29 AM GMT

I see it as a sketch in a very dark sitcom, with the last part being in the final episode. I think it suffers from a slight lack of identity to begin with though as you present it as a B-Movie horror film with close ups on sweat beads. You don't really need it to carry this off at all as it unravels as just a general sketch really well.

Thanks for taking the time, Tom. When you say lack of identity, do you mean the identity is muddled? That I set it up as a B movie then it doesn't play out that way?

Quote: sootyj @ January 15 2009, 10:39 AM GMT

I like the idea alot and the introduction is very good.
If anything it's a tad short.

I think the how she got infected is a distraction, I suspect there's more laughs in a sitcom meets Hammer house approach.

Cheers, Soots. I know what you mean about the flashback. Technically the infection could be left to our imagination but I thought it warranted inclusion to give the story some sort of pathos. I wanted to show how cheerful he was while she was still living.

I liked it, actually I really liked it. I'd get rid of the flashback personally bit 'Scrubs'. Really looking forward to the next part. Is it going to continue their story? or be different stories of the same infection?

Quote: TomCampbell @ January 15 2009, 10:42 AM GMT

I think the humour in that scene doesn't come from how she was infected, but the husband "reminiscing" on the good old days when he used to talk at her and not pay any attention to what was happening to her. The fact that these are the days he reflects on makes that scene quite amusing.

That's just a happy accident, really. You've made me wonder if there isn't some mileage in exaggerating the 'subtext' you've spotted.

Quote: Gavin @ January 15 2009, 11:02 AM GMT

I liked it, actually I really liked it. I'd get rid of the flashback personally bit 'Scrubs'. Really looking forward to the next part. Is it going to continue their story? or be different stories of the same infection?

Happy to hear it, Gav. Sorry to hear you didn't like the flashback. It does stick out a bit I know. Not sure what you mean by Scrubs though.

There won't be any more parts to this one - it's a self-contained story. That said, I could write zombie stories all day long.

Made me smile.

Quote: Marc P @ January 15 2009, 11:20 AM GMT

Made me smile.

Cheers, Marc.

I'd have ended it in the second scene with the line, "You're right, probably just a scam to get money out of us." Short and punchy.

Quote: David Bussell @ January 15 2009, 11:17 AM GMT

Happy to hear it, Gav. Sorry to hear you didn't like the flashback. It does stick out a bit I know. Not sure what you mean by Scrubs though.

There won't be any more parts to this one - it's a self-contained story. That said, I could write zombie stories all day long.

It wasn't that I didn't like the flashback it just seemed to jerk out of the main story.

I do love zombie stuff, I've written a zombie feature gotta love them :)

Why not write a zombie sketch that deals with the slow zombie vs. fast zombie debate?

Quote: chipolata @ January 15 2009, 11:50 AM GMT

I'd have ended it in the second scene with the line, "You're right, probably just a scam to get money out of us." Short and punchy.

That's a nice idea for a shorter sketch but in this instance I'm going for something a little larger in scope.

The trouble with what you've written is that you pretty much know the husband is going to be bit by the wife, so you're expecting it, but you have to go through a load of extraneous flashbacks and intraspection to get there.

Quote: chipolata @ January 15 2009, 11:52 AM GMT

Why not write a zombie sketch that deals with the slow zombie vs. fast zombie debate?

Well, for my purposes the zombie genre is niche enough without narrowing it down even further. Fine for a strip in Fangoria - not so much for a sketch aimed for a TV audience.

Quote: Gavin @ January 15 2009, 11:51 AM GMT

It wasn't that I didn't like the flashback it just seemed to jerk out of the main story.

I do love zombie stuff, I've written a zombie feature gotta love them :)

My first feature was a zombie comedy. Sean of the Dead pissed on those chips.

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