I came across this old sketch, probably one of the first I wrote. It may be the only sketch that tries to use an IKEA product to set up the punchline. I'm not sure tha's a good thing on reflection.
SCENE: SPACESHIP INTERIOR LOOKING, WELL, YOU KNOW, SPACE SHIPPY.
A MIDDLE-AGED MAN AND WOMAN SIT IN SUITABLY SPACE SHIP CHAIRS AT HIGH TECH CONSOLES:
WOMAN: Well, all I'm saying is that we could make it a bit more homely, that's all; you know, put up some net curtains, or something?
M: Who can see in the windows? We're millions of miles from the nearest planet?
W: It would just feel more private.
M: We have 7 inch thick quadrilium blast shields we can put over the windows in an emergency, we could close those…now that's private.
W: It's always got to be high tech for you hasn't it? Typical man. If it isn't hyper-this or quadrilium that you're not interested.
M: (Exasperated) We're in deep space, looking for worlds to colonise, heroically going where no man…
W: Family
M: <BEAT> Sorry. "family" has gone before. We're hard eyed space adventurers with no idea how long we'll survive, or where our next meal is coming from…
W: (interrupting) Well it's got a lot better since Tesco opened up that branch in Alpha Centauri, they deliver as far as the crab nebula these days.
M: Look, what I'm saying is that we need to pare things back to the minimum; if it isn't necessary for survival it has no place on this ship.
W: I don't recall you saying that when we "absolutely had to have" the new surround sound sensotronic 350 Holodeck installed.
M: Well, relaxation is very important for the well-being of the crew
W: Family.
M: Yes, of course, family. It helps reduce stress.
W: So do scatter cushions and coffee tables.
M: Have you thought of the damage a coffee table might do in the event of a rapid depressurisation event? It would be dragged across the room with immense force crushing anyone in its path.
W: You could fend it off with a cushion.
M: We. Do. Not. Need. Cushions.
W: How will you fend off the table then, smartarse?
M: We are in space. We are not in a semi in Basildon.
We do not need soft furnishings. The Brosniks don't have soft furnishings.
W: That's because they're shapless blobs from the planet Zurg who ooze noxious slime, everything has to be wipe clean. <BEAT> Anyway, I saw her looking through the latest IKEA catalogue the other day, I think they were considering installing Billy 90 to soften the harsh metallic look with some birch effect veneer.
M: F**k Billy 90.
Kid: (Wearing Joe 90 specs & Bounding into the room) Did you call Dad?