Quote: Leevil @ July 6, 2007, 4:37 PMHow do you play it?
It just plays automatically when you open it up.
The Podcast Project Page 4
I'll have my thinking cap on for this one.
Just as an aside - if anyone wants to contribute to Unconstructive Criticism on Comedy365.co.uk
http://pepperstock.libsyn.com/?search_string=criticism&search=1
Or wants to guest on Ramblers Associated
http://gregsammons.libsyn.com/
Then just PM me and I'll get back to you with more details.
I'll think but I'd rather like a Blue Peter badge for it.
Just writing up a script for the pilot episode of this now, it's coming along quite nicely. Had a change though, I think the episodes should only be around 10-15 minutes long, 30 minutes is too much for this type of show I think and I think rather than dragging a good idea out too much, having it more compact will make it funnier in the long run.
I'll post it up when I'm done and then you can chip in more ideas. Just trying to think up more things for the 'Gallery' section that people would send in to the show that would be funny.
Sounds like a good plan to make it 10-15 mins. Short bursts that will leave people wanting more... hopefully.
Now to read the rest of the thread to see if i can play...
Yeah feel free to join in with ideas, all are welcome. 
Its a good length for journey times aswell and you can do alot in 15 minutes just listen to the Archers.
Yeah 15 minutes is much better... I'll send my ideas (like I have most) over MSN martin.
Right here's a rough draft of what I've written so far, it's not complete and some bits aren't too good especially towards the end it trails off a bit, but see what you think and if it inspires you with other ideas:
THE LEARNING CURVE – SCRIPT 1 – PILOT EPISODE
FX:THEME MUSIC
NIGEL
Coming up on today's show....Ex-sex offender takes his first step into rehabilitation as he reads children's stories at local Primary Schools...
(Play Clip that Ed Parnell recorded as written below)
EX-SEX OFFENDER
So children Goldie Locks went to the house, she opened the door very gingerly, there stood three bears...Mummy Bear, Daddy Bear and one of their neighbours Mr Fitzgerald, who was a chartered accountant and worked in Sevenoaks. Goldie Locks entered the building, it wasn't long before the three of them were riving around in a fur-covered sex-romp.”
NIGEL
(continued) We take out our binoculars and have a close-up examination of tits and cocks...as we visit the Green Burrow Bird Sanctuary.
FX:BIRD NOISES
(Play Clip from Bird Sanctuary as written below)
PRESENTER 1
Can we take the tits out of their cage?
WORKER
I don't think that's such a wise idea.
PRESENTER 1
Look if you want this to make the final edit you'll have to get the tits out, that's the only way to make it in life.
NIGEL
(continued) And finally we'll be presenting this weeks tongue twister, today you'll need to make sure you have a mouth and a whisk...(corny laugh)
FX:INTERLUDE MUSIC
NIGEL
Are you comfortable boys and girls, then I'll begin. I'm Nigel Morgan and you're listening to The Learning Curve, the show that teaches children about the world of yesterday and the world of tomorrow. Our aim is to educate in a fun and light-hearted manner and we offer you the listener our full dedication and concentration...
FX
HONE STARTS RINGING
NIGEL
(continued) Oh sorry about this.
FXICKS UP PHONE
NIGEL
(continued) Hello, oh hi Steve...yeah I'm just in the middle of a show at the moment mate...The Learning Curve....The Learning Curve...it's a fun educational show for children...yeah you know it's quite jovial, we don't take things too seriously (short pause)..THEY'VE DONE WHAT!....THE BLOODY B******S...I WASN'T EVEN ON DOUBLE YELLOWS!....(beat) Sorry about this kids, let's catch up with Hannah who visited the Clear Water Swimming Baths last week...
HANNAH
If you're looking for some entertainment to satisfy your boredom during the school holidays or even at the weekend then look no further than your local swimming baths. Leisure centres across the country offer a great day out for all of the family. I'm here at the Clear Water Swimming Baths to find out just what it is that makes swimming a great form of enjoyment for both children and adults alike.
FX:Kids shouting, laughing and splashing around in the pool.
HANNAH
I'm joined by Grahame Keyes the swimming instructor here at Clear Water, tell me Grahame why do you think kids should take up swimming?
GRAHAME
There are many reasons to take up swimming Hannah, first of all it's a great social club, you get to meet many different people and make lots of new friends...I actually met my wife while swimming...that was in the ocean mind but the point still stands.
HANNAH
You met your wife while swimming in the ocean? Was she a whale? (laughs)
GRAHAME
She was slightly on the large side yes but I don't see why you have to bring her size in to it.
HANNAH
Oh..it was a joke I didn't mean... sorry.
GRAHAME
Anyway as I was saying nothing beats swimming, the touch of water on your body, it's also great fitness and does wonders for your body. Being able to swim is a vital ability to possess because if your ever on a capsizing boat or a plane that crashes into the ocean then at least you won't drown like some type of moron.
HANNAH
Try to keep the interview light hearted yeah?
GRAHAME
My swimming lessons are very cheap too and I provide a great service.
HANNAH
Great. But swimming baths do also have there negative sides also do they not? You have a story from a few years ago?
GRAHAME
Ah yes, a well known term among the swimming bath community, a little problem called 'Underwater Urination'. Many think it's easier just to release into the water rather than make a quick journey across to the lavatory.
HANNAH
But am I right in thinking you came up with a way to combat this problem?
GRAHAME
Yes that's right. You may have heard of other swimming baths putting a number of chemicals into their water so if a child does choose to urinate it will change the colour of the water and the culprit is found. Well we introduced a chemical that would change the colour of the water to red, this way there is no mistake of who the guilty party is.
HANNAH
I see and did it work?
GRAHAME
Hmm, the mistake we made was that we underestimated the amount of children and also adults that urinate in the pool. After 14 hours it looked as if some bloody massacre had taken place....either that or we were aiming for the World Record for the largest bowl of tomato soup...we did actually hold that record for a while, until they found out we achieved it under false pretences...we had to find some positive out of the situation.
HANNAH
Okay well thank you for taking the time to talk to us here on The Learning Curve Grahame.
FX:More kids splashing etc, this time a little louder.
HANNAH
I'm now joined by Peter Winston the life-guard here at Clear Water. Nice to meet you Peter.
PETER
Nice to meet you.
HANNAH
It's clear to see that swimming is a great deal of fun for all ages but what's life like for you at the Deep End, up on your raised chair with your rubber ring and whistle as if your Pontus..Greek God of The Deep Sea?
PETER
Who?
HANNAH
It doesn't matter. So do you enjoy your job?
PETER
I use to when I first started here, you see back then Health & Safety was a lot less (pause)..well healthy and safe. Floors were more slippery, barricades weren't up near the deep end and so on, so I was always on my toes.
HANNAH
Are you saying you want people to drown?
PETER
Not drown fully, just begin to drown y'know? I know it might sound harsh but this is what I got into the job for. I sit up there on my gigantically tall chair, listening to the cacophony of shouting and laughing and I just start thinking to myself as I focus in on the most hateful little brat... “I hope you drown, I hope you jump in at the deep end to show off to your snotty nosed friends and that your own weight sinks you down”.
HANNAH
Okaaay.
PETER
It's just like if you're a security guard..you want a fight to break out, or if you're a fireman..you want a fire to break out...I'm a lifeguard I want life to break out..I'm begging ya.
HANNAH
Thank you Peter that's all we've got time for. I've been Hannah reporting from Clear Water Swimming Baths, back to Nigel in the studio.
NIGEL
Thanks Hannah, what an enthralling insight into the world of swimming baths. Still to come Marcus is going to be telling you how to make your very own rock album but before we get into that lets take a trip across to the Gallery and take a gander at the various gifts you showered us with this week.
FX:GALLERY MUSIC.
NIGEL
(continued) First up we've got a wonderful watercolour painting here, it's got a very bright and colourful woman with brown hair and then a smaller girl holding her hand, there's a sun smiling in the background and at the top it says “Mummy and Me”, how sweet...that was sent to us by Louise from Liverpool...aged 21! Oh no sorry that should be 12, there's a letter attached from her Mother that states Louise is in fact dyslexic. I've got to say well done Louise, it's a magnificent painting and just for that I'm going to send you a prize...how does the game Scrabble sound.
Ooh now what is this we have here? Some generous person has sent in some eggs, bacon and sausages with some bread to compliment it and amazingly it's still warm...
PRODUCER
(in the background) That's your breakfast! Janice just brought it up.
NIGEL
Oh she did? My mistake. (beat) Now what do we have here, it's like a post-it note, it reads 'Second Hand Washing Machine for sale, visit 22 King Street in Harrogate or call 458991 and ask for Mrs Lord'...could be a bargain.
Well thanks for all your entries into the gallery this week. But now it's time to visit our very own talking fountain here at TLC, as we join Arthur Fountain in the Fountain of Knowledge.
FX:MUSIC FOR FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE SEGMENT.
NIGEL
Hello Arthur what fun facts have you got for us this week.
ARTHUR
Aren't we going to do a little introduction bit first?
NIGEL
How do you mean?
ARTHUR
Like asking me how my weekend was etc?
NIGEL
But you're a fountain, what does a fountain do at the weekend?
ARTHUR
I'll have you know my weekend was extremely eventful.
NIGEL
It was?
ARTHUR
Yes, as you know I'm situated in the heart of the city, I see all the celebrities and on Saturday night you'll never guess what drunken fool got sick into my base layer.
NIGEL
In to your what?
ARTHUR
My base layer. It was none other than former Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona..well I say singer I mean more of mime-artist.
NIGEL
We can neither confirm or deny that Kerry Katona vomited into Arthur Fountain's base layer.
ARTHUR
Well we can I saw it with my very own eyes.
NIGEL
How about some proper knowledge Arthur? What have you got for us this week?
ARTHUR
Okay, did you know that William Burroughs invented the calculator?
NIGEL
How is that useful information to anyone? You're like the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain you, pointless and a danger to children.
Any more ideas on this yet?
Maybe they should actually bleep out the bloody as you written it and then explain that its swearing week and todays swear word is c**t of f**k and have it as a continous theme. Also say that later they will be making a bleeping machine and showing you how to make money for their charity drive by making the kids' parents swear and putting money into a swear jar. You could also have them ask guests what their favorite swear word is and have one say a word which isn't a swear word which is initially bleeped, then unbleeped, then bleeped again after the guest explains its meaning from where he comes from.
Quote: ajp29 @ July 16, 2007, 3:25 PMMaybe they should actually bleep out the bloody as you written it and then explain that its swearing week and todays swear word is c**t of f**k and have it as a continous theme. Also say that later they will be making a bleeping machine and showing you how to make money for their charity drive by making the kids' parents swear and putting money into a swear jar. You could also have them ask guests what their favorite swear word is and have one say a word which isn't a swear word which is initially bleeped, then unbleeped, then bleeped again after the guest explains its meaning from where he comes from.
I ******* like
"Today's show was brought to you by the C word" was actually going to be the closing line of the show.
Great minds think in swear words.
There's some good stuff there Martin. But I think there's a lot more opportunity for jokes, so I've added some of my own thought's and bits. In Bold
Quote: Martin Holmes @ July 12, 2007, 3:08 PMTHE LEARNING CURVE – SCRIPT 1 – PILOT EPISODE
FX:THEME MUSIC
NIGEL
Coming up on today's show....Ex-sex offender takes his first step into rehabilitation as he reads children's stories at local Primary Schools...(Play Clip that Ed Parnell recorded as written below)
EX-SEX OFFENDER
So children Goldie Locks went to the house, she opened the door very gingerly, there stood three bears...Mummy Bear, Daddy Bear and one of their neighbours Mr Fitzgerald, who was a chartered accountant and worked in Sevenoaks. Goldie Locks entered the building, it wasn't long before the three of them were riving around in a fur-covered sex-romp.” I think there's a children story out there that you won't even have to amend to make funny, Little Red Riding Hood maybe?
NIGEL
(continued) We take out our binoculars and have a close-up examination of tits and cocks...as we visit the Green Burrow Bird Sanctuary.FX:BIRD NOISES
(Play Clip from Bird Sanctuary as written below)
PRESENTER 1
Can we take the tits out of their cage?WORKER
I don't think that's such a wise idea.PRESENTER 1
Look if you want this to make the final edit you'll have to get the tits out, that's the only way to make it in life. This is okay, but I think it can be worded even betterNIGEL
(continued) And finally we'll be presenting this weeks tongue twister, today you'll need to make sure you have a mouth and a whisk...(corny laugh)FX:INTERLUDE MUSIC
NIGEL
Are you comfortable boys and girls, then I'll begin. I'm Nigel Morgan and you're listening to The Learning Curve, the show that teaches children about the world of yesterday and the world of tomorrow. Our aim is to educate in a fun and light-hearted manner and we offer you the listener our full dedication and concentration...FX
NIGEL
(continued) Oh sorry about this.FX
NIGEL
(continued) Hello, oh hi Steve...yeah I'm just in the middle of a show at the moment mate...The Learning Curve....The Learning Curve...it's a fun educational show for children...yeah you know it's quite jovial, we don't take things too seriously (short pause)..THEY'VE DONE WHAT!....THE BLOODY B******S...I WASN'T EVEN ON DOUBLE YELLOWS!....(beat) Sorry about this kids, let's catch up with Hannah who visited the Clear Water Swimming Baths last week...HANNAH
If you're looking for some entertainment to satisfy your boredom during the school holidays or even at the weekend then look no further than your local swimming baths. Leisure centres across the country offer a great day out for all of the family. I'm here at the Clear Water Swimming Baths to find out just what it is that makes swimming a great form of enjoyment for both children and adults alike.FX:Kids shouting, laughing and splashing around in the pool.
HANNAH
I'm joined by Grahame Keyes the swimming instructor here at Clear Water, tell me Grahame why do you think kids should take up swimming?GRAHAME
There are many reasons to take up swimming Hannah, first of all it's a great social club, you get to meet many different people and make lots of new friends...I actually met my wife while swimming...that was in the ocean mind but the point still stands.HANNAH
You met your wife while swimming in the ocean? Was she a whale? (laughs)GRAHAME
She was slightly on the large side yes but I don't see why you have to bring her size in to it.(I think this needs to be worded differently, I'm sure you can get two jokes out of it)HANNAH
Oh..it was a joke I didn't mean... sorry. (Don't bring attention to that joke)GRAHAME
Anyway as I was saying nothing beats swimming, the touch of water on your body, it's also great fitness and does wonders for your body. Being able to swim is a vital ability to possess because if your ever on a capsizing boat or a plane that crashes into the ocean then at least you won't drown like some type of moronSome of the poor kids).HANNAH
Try to keep the interview light hearted yeah?GRAHAME
My swimming lessons are very cheap too and I provide a great service.HANNAH
Great. But swimming baths do also have there negative sides also do they not? You have a story from a few years ago?GRAHAME
Ah yes, a well known term among the swimming bath community, a little problem called 'Underwater Urination'. Many think it's easier just to release into the water rather than make a quick journey across to the lavatory.HANNAH
But am I right in thinking you came up with a way to combat this problem?GRAHAME
Yes that's right. You may have heard of other swimming baths putting a number of chemicals into their water so if a child does choose to urinate it will change the colour of the water and the culprit is found. Well we introduced a chemical that would change the colour of the water to red, this way there is no mistake of who the guilty party is.HANNAH
I see and did it work?GRAHAME
Hmm, the mistake we made was that we underestimated the amount of children and also adults that urinate in the pool. After 14 hours it looked as if some bloody massacre had taken place....either that or we were aiming for the World Record for the largest bowl of tomato soup...we did actually hold that record for a while, until they found out we achieved it under false pretences...we had to find some positive out of the situation. (That would make a great visual of someone freaking out thinking they're peeing blood, great joke Martin, shame it's radioHANNAH
Okay well thank you for taking the time to talk to us here on The Learning Curve Grahame.FX:More kids splashing etc, this time a little louder.
HANNAH
I'm now joined by Peter Winston the life-guard here at Clear Water. Nice to meet you Peter.PETER
Nice to meet you.HANNAH
It's clear to see that swimming is a great deal of fun for all ages but what's life like for you at the Deep End, up on your raised chair with your rubber ring and whistle as if your Pontus..Greek God of The Deep Sea?PETER
Who?HANNAH
It doesn't matter. So do you enjoy your job?PETER
I use to when I first started here, you see back then Health & Safety was a lot less (pause)..well healthy and safe. Floors were more slippery, barricades weren't up near the deep end and so on, so I was always on my toes.HANNAH
Are you saying you want people to drown?PETER
Not drown fully, just begin to drown y'know? I know it might sound harsh but this is what I got into the job for. I sit up there on my gigantically tall chair, listening to the cacophony of shouting and laughing and I just start thinking to myself as I focus in on the most hateful little brat... “I hope you drown, I hope you jump in at the deep end to show off to your snotty nosed friends and that your own weight sinks you down”.HANNAH
Okaaay.PETER
It's just like if you're a security guard..you want a fight to break out, or if you're a fireman..you want a fire to break out...I'm a lifeguard I want life to break out..I'm begging ya.HANNAH
Thank you Peter that's all we've got time for. I've been Hannah reporting from Clear Water Swimming Baths, back to Nigel in the studio.I feel like the swimming baths should have a motto (or whatever you call it) "We like to get your kids wet" and Hannah signs off with "The Swimming Baths; getting your kids wet" something like that anyway.NIGEL
Thanks Hannah, what an enthralling insight into the world of swimming baths, Did that get you wet?. Still to come Marcus is going to be telling you how to make your very own rock album but before we get into that lets take a trip across to the Gallery and take a gander at the various gifts you showered us with this week.FX:GALLERY MUSIC.
NIGEL
(continued) First up we've got a wonderful watercolour painting here, it's got a very bright and colourful woman with brown hair and then a smaller girl holding her hand, there's a sun smiling in the background and at the top it says “Mummy and Me”, how sweet...that was sent to us by Louise from Liverpool...aged 21! Oh no sorry that should be 12, there's a letter attached from her Mother that states Louise is in fact dyslexic. I've got to say well done Louise, it's a magnificent painting and just for that I'm going to send you a prize...how does the game Scrabble sound.Ooh now what is this we have here? Some generous person has sent in some eggs, bacon and sausages with some bread to compliment it and amazingly it's still warm...
PRODUCER
(in the background) That's your breakfast! Janice just brought it up.NIGEL
Oh she did? My mistake. (beat) Now what do we have here, it's like a post-it note, it reads 'Second Hand Washing Machine for sale, visit 22 King Street in Harrogate or call 458991 and ask for Mrs Lord'...could be a bargain.Well thanks for all your entries into the gallery this week. But now it's time to visit our very own talking fountain here at TLC, as we join Arthur Fountain in the Fountain of Knowledge.
FX:MUSIC FOR FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE SEGMENT.
NIGEL
Hello Arthur what fun facts have you got for us this week.ARTHUR
Aren't we going to do a little introduction bit first?NIGEL
How do you mean?ARTHUR
Like asking me how my weekend was etc?NIGEL
But you're a fountain, what does a fountain do at the weekend?ARTHUR
I'll have you know my weekend was extremely eventful.NIGEL
It was?ARTHUR
Yes, as you know I'm situated in the heart of the city, I see all the celebrities and on Saturday night you'll never guess what drunken fool got sick into my base layer.NIGEL
In to your what?ARTHUR
My base layer. It was none other than former Atomic Kitten singer Kerry Katona..well I say singer I mean more of mime-artist.NIGEL
We can neither confirm or deny that Kerry Katona vomited into Arthur Fountain's base layer.ARTHUR
Well we can I saw it with my very own eyes.NIGEL
How about some proper knowledge Arthur? What have you got for us this week?ARTHUR
Okay, did you know that William Burroughs invented the calculator?NIGEL
How is that useful information to anyone? You're like the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain you, pointless and a danger to children.