First two scenes Page 2

It's very difficult to think up funny original titles for porn films, as most of them actually exist.

Here's a list: http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/answers/articles6/X0026_The_Greatest_Porn_Pa.html

I saw this the first time you posted it before you took it down again; from what I can recall of the previous draft this is much tighter and held my attention much better. Almost impossible to avoid cliche, but so long as it is handled well it can still be funny.

On the porn titles I would be inclined to lose them entirely, it is very familiar territory, and these titles tend in any case to be mainstream porn of the sort that I do not imagine Customs would bother too much about.

Good stuff, I enjoyed that. I could see it being on TV and I could see me watching it. Alphonse is an ace name for a minder too.

As soon as characters swear I guess that means it's 9pm post-watershed? I don't know if there's any advantage to de-swearing it and keeping the audience as wide as possible when sending in a script? Other scenes might not be de-swearable I suppose.

Good luck with it.

Hi Lee,

I enjoyed reading this. I love the mix of gangster/entertainers - I had an idea myself in this genre once which I absolutely did not get the inspiration from Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose.

If you think a character is a bit chiched yourself look for ways to subvert or invert that cliche. For example the six foot heavy minder could be a woman, make her attractive and you would have CHip rooting for you as well.

On a general note the first scene takes far too long with nothing happening. You need time for the car to arrive the first person to get out, the second person to get out, the coat to be buttoned etc, beofre the cigar gag - which is good but could be got to snappier.

Not a criticism but similarly with the dialogue.

CROMWELL:
(SUBSERVIENTLY) Oh! Mr St Clair, you're early. I wasn't expecting you until three.

RON ST CLAIR:
(STILL WALKING TOWARDS HIM) I find it always pays to be early, Mr Cromwell. You catch people up to all sorts when you're early.

Could be:

CROMWELL:
(NERVOUSLY)Mr St Clair... you're early.

RON ST CLAIR:
It pays to be early. You can catch people up to all sorts.

Of itself doesn't seem like much of a change but if you trim the Stage Directions and dialogue down it gives a scene a bit more snap and pace.

I like the whole daughter and boyfriend business but I wonder if we can get the conection from the first scene to the second. Is there some way that when we see crocodile boy we know immediately that he is his daughter's boyfriend?

I'm not sure it's a good idea having people looking through the window laughing, it's kind of telling the audience that it is supposed to be funny. Is there some way of putting some jeopardy in the scene which drives the comedy, is he on a final warning or something, is there a begining middle and end to the scene? Does his firing have some impact on his relationship with the gangster? So that rather than it being a sequence of events to introduce the character in a funny way - it also informs the character and is part of the bigger story?

Re the porn: Again maybe subvert/invert it. Porn seems a bit Minder to me. A bit old fashioned. Could it be bootleg copies of the latest James Blunt CD, or Viagara. Or something more comtemporary? There was a major warehouse break in recently where gangsters stole tens of thousands of Nigella Lawson's new cookery book. Could it be something like that? - Only funnier?

Anyway, it made me laugh, made me interested and I would definitely have wanted to read on to see what happened.

Quote: Marc P @ January 11 2009, 3:44 PM GMT

Hi Lee,

I enjoyed reading this. I love the mix of gangster/entertainers - I had an idea myself in this genre once which I absolutely did not get the inspiration from Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose.

If you think a character is a bit chiched yourself look for ways to subvert or invert that cliche. For example the six foot heavy minder could be a woman, make her attractive and you would have CHip rooting for you as well.

On a general note the first scene takes far too long with nothing happening. You need time for the car to arrive the first person to get out, the second person to get out, the coat to be buttoned etc, beofre the cigar gag - which is good but could be got to snappier.

Not a criticism but similarly with the dialogue.

CROMWELL:
(SUBSERVIENTLY) Oh! Mr St Clair, you're early. I wasn't expecting you until three.

RON ST CLAIR:
(STILL WALKING TOWARDS HIM) I find it always pays to be early, Mr Cromwell. You catch people up to all sorts when you're early.

Could be:

CROMWELL:
(NERVOUSLY)Mr St Clair... you're early.

RON ST CLAIR:
It pays to be early. You can catch people up to all sorts.

Of itself doesn't seem like much of a change but if you trim the Stage Directions and dialogue down it gives a scene a bit more snap and pace.

I like the whole daughter and boyfriend business but I wonder if we can get the conection from the first scene to the second. Is there some way that when we see crocodile boy we know immediately that he is his daughter's boyfriend?

I'm not sure it's a good idea having people looking through the window laughing, it's kind of telling the audience that it is supposed to be funny. Is there some way of putting some jeopardy in the scene which drives the comedy, is he on a final warning or something, is there a begining middle and end to the scene? Does his firing have some impact on his relationship with the gangster? So that rather than it being a sequence of events to introduce the character in a funny way - it also informs the character and is part of the bigger story?

Re the porn: Again maybe subvert/invert it. Porn seems a bit Minder to me. A bit old fashioned. Could it be bootleg copies of the latest James Blunt CD, or Viagara. Or something more comtemporary? There was a major warehouse break in recently where gangsters stole tens of thousands of Nigella Lawson's new cookery book. Could it be something like that? - Only funnier?

Anyway, it made me laugh, made me interested and I would definitely have wanted to read on to see what happened.

View original

Hey cheers for that Marc, much appreciated crit on this first draft. All good points, especially the first scene. I'm going to shorten that so it opens on Ron getting out of the car rather than having the car pull up first etc. My initial idea was this scene would be played in tandem with the opening credits but I do think you're right.

Brick and Shilly looking through the window and spying on Matty is actually important to the next scene.

I take your point about ramping up the jeapordy in Matty's first scene. Perhaps Ron says in the previous scene how his daughter is used to the finer things in life, and if this Matty character doesn't provide for her he's going to break his legs. That way, with Matty's name being mentioned by both Ron and Matty's irate boss, the audience are clear who he is and his realtion to Ron.

Re: the porn - it was originally going to be guns instead of porn, but I don't want the viewer to be completely turned off by Ron. He's a hard dangerous bastard but ultimately he has a heart. I'll have a think - but the contraband has to be something his wife would potentially leave him for if she found out. His missus is a bit of a crank - she's into crystals and spirit healing and all that sort of shit.

Cheers for the read and comments, much appreciated.

I was also thinking maybe something legal here, illegal elsewhere, something like condoms, and the wife is pro life or something. But that would be smuggling out and not in. And then I came across this piece as I was googling curious as to if condoms actually were illegal anywhere anymore anyway!

'Condom might not be a new thing in Indonesia. But used condoms, especially imported from Germany and suspected to be recycled, this is perhaps a new thing. In China, used condoms are made into hair tie and other accessories. These are condoms confiscated by customs office. A container of imported condoms from Germany is still being investigated by State Ministry for the Environment, since the owner denied that these are used condoms by saying these as expired ones. These condoms were imported by PT. Rubber and Rubber Tech located in Cikarang, Bekasi. Customs office suspected that these condoms will be recycled and made into latex stuffs. In China, used condoms recycling is not a new thing. In this country known for cheap products, used condoms are made into various shapes of accessories such as hair tie, with priced relatively cheap at around 40 rupiah for 10 ties. But the cheap price is not commensurate with the danger inflicted if those used condoms were infected with viruses like HIV and genital diseases.'

Maybe he has a German contact in the Frankfurt area!

I like this it's a couple of pages and I know who people are and how they interact.

Comedy is quite character based.

I also like that one scene is straight up comedy and the other is comedy/drama.

Good stuff Huzzah,

Do like this, muchly.

Was a good easy read and easy to visualise.

I like the contrast of the seriousness and humour from the scenes and do feel as tho' his mates laughing at him actually add, as it gives more so of a reason for him to feel so embarrassed.

Was a tadd unsure about the contents being porn, but...

Enjoyed!

Quote: random @ January 12 2009, 8:22 PM GMT

Do like this, muchly.

View original

Please don't use the word muchly.

Why?

I don't like it.

Quote: Marc P @ January 13 2009, 3:53 PM GMT

I don't like it.

View original

and that's it?

I like muchly, muchly!

Quote: Marc P @ January 11 2009, 3:44 PM GMT

you would have CHip rooting for you as well.

View original

Never happen.

Well written, but maybe needs a few more surprises? I enjoyed the last scene the best.

Btw apparently it's not neccesary to have 'cut to' at the end of each scene.

On the hot girl minder/bodyguard front, Angela Bassett played Ralph Fienne's minder in Strange Days.