Hi, here are the opening two scenes of my first attempt to write a sitcom, it's not great but hey you gotta start somewhere. Please give me your honest opinions and feel free to criticise till your heart's content - its the only way i'll learn. Anyway here are the first two scenes of my script, imaginatively titled 'Pot the Pink':
Scene 1
We see a small dilapidated portacabin adjoining a 19th century building, with a large sign reading Shirehampton Snooker Club/Cafe. On a small sandwich board outside is written 'Today's special, Buy one Faggot get one free' . A motorcycle comes to a halt and parks. The driver is a middle aged man with full leather clothes on and a Freddie mercury moustache, he enters the club. 20 seconds pass and the man comes out of the club clearly rattled followed by a middle-aged man with peter beardsley type features and a dark green and orange bomber jacket carrying a snooker cue in a threatening manner. The motorcycle speeds off with the snooker cue whistling in the air behind it.
Paul: (shouting) Come back again and I'll rip your f**king tache off, and tell your friends too, (pointing to the special offer board) its faggots and peas dickhead, not faggots n fudge.
Paul kicks over sandwich board, with a hard whack of the ankle, then lets out a high pitched yelp and jumps up and down clutching his ankle in one hand, he then picks up the sandwich board and places it under his arm and re-enters the cafe limping on the wrong leg.
Roll titles.
The interior of the club is of a greasy spoon type with plastic table tops, grime covering every square inch, a side window boarded up, on the opposite wall a window looking into the snooker hall, with two adolescent teenage boys in full chav gear making holes in the roof with the buts of their cues, the cafe is relatively empty with only the regulars sat near the door consisting of three elderly women, and what seems to be three generations of one family in a middle-aged woman who is toothless and obese, with a similar looking woman sat beside her around the age of 34, and her daughter of very similar appearance to her grand mother, at the age of 13 in full school uniform obviously bunking off. Paul enters through the front door and walks towards the empty counter/kitchen area still carrying the board.
Pat: (Nodding towards the snooker hall) Paul those kids are at it again.
Paul: If it ain't queers mistaking our special offers for a German sex slave auction, then it's these glue sniffing bastards, poking holes in the roof.
Phyllis: Yeah it's proper whack that.
Paul enters the snooker hall, and starts arguing with the boys.
Pat: Wha.. what does that mean phyillis?
Phyllis: Oh sorry blood, its just that I's was given a 50 cent dvd, from Daniel last Christmas, innit.
Pat: You should have stuck with Cliff's tennis jamboree betamax, Phyllis.
Paul grabs the boys by the scruff of the neck and pushes them through the door into then cafe
Phyllis: I know, I know but I thought I would try someting new and fiddy seemed all the rage didn't it, so I thought I would get down with the kids, but blow me it was bloody awful.
Adolescent boy 1: I saw you dogging us up, you grassed us up didn't you ?
Pat stands up, smiles showing off her toothless mouth in all its glory and slaps her fist against her hand
Pat: Yeah, wanna make summin of it?
Adolescent boy 2: Nah, nah missus he didn't mean anything by it, (to friend) come on gazza lets get out of this shit hole, my mums gonna go spare if we aint home by three.
The boys slowly back away and out of the door, once they get out of the door and a few hundred metres down the road, a small geekish man in his mid twenties, stands up sharpish and shakes his fist.
Andy: (shouting at the top of his voice) Yeh you better run, I would have had you, you tarts.
Thelga: (forcefully) Sit down Andy.
Andy: OK mother.
The camera pans over to the counter where there are two twenty-something men, one tallish and overweight, the other short and slim, who is obviously well-groomed, they have seen this all kick off and are looking at each other in trepidation, unsure what to make of the recent events.
Chris(the short slim one): I knew we shouldn't have come here,
Steve(the tall overweight one): Don't worry about it man, it'll be alreet, I've been coming here all my life, these people are the salt of the Earth, as true as a dime, honest well respected members of socie...
Pat: Paul the toilets blocked again, there's shit all over the floor in there.
Paul: Oh effing hell, thats another thing for me to do, thanks a lot Pat, why don’t you try eating some healthy food you fat cow, you do this every day, get your bowels sorted out for gods sake. Anyway can I get you two nancy boys anything (looking at Chris and Steve).
Chris stands open jawed looking at Paul in disbelief
Steve: ha funny one Paul,
Paul: Shut it, now are you gonna order anything or just stare at me all day, and how do you know my name?
Steve: What do you mean? I’ve been coming here for the last fifteen years, you know with my dad, every Wednesday morning, come on you must know me
Paul: Sorry doesn’t ring a bell,
Steve: I went to school with your girl, Chanterelle and we used to hang out here
sometimes with Andy, (to Andy) alright Andy how’s it hanging
Andy: (under his breath) all the more up for seeing you
Steve: Pardon
Andy: alright Stevie
Paul: nah mate I still can’t place your face
Thelga: It’s Jimmy McCracken’s son, you know the little man with the limp, that’s his kiddie, Steve.
Paul: Oh yeh, how’s your dad these days, I ain’t seen him in years.
Steve: He’s not too well, not too well at all.
Paul: That’s a crying shame that is, so what’s up with him?
Steve: Well he’s unemployed at the moment, they just overreacted that’s all, he was a damn firm believer in fight fire with fire you see,
Chris: which was why he got thrown out of the fire brigade
Paul: Oh what a shame, so what can I get you two bum lickers
Chris backs away and whispers in Steve’s ear
Chris: C'mon lets go I don't need this
Steve: Don't worry, we'll be playing snooker in one minute. (To Paul) Yes squire we'll have table 6, a black coffee and a coke please.
Paul chucks down a set of snooker balls on the counter, pours a coffee, and puts in a large blob of gone off milk into it
Steve: But I wanted a blac...
Paul stares angrily at Steve
Steve: Cheers mate
Chris and Steve exit into snooker hall
END SCENE
Scene 2
Interior, snooker hall, a darkly lit room with four badly damaged tables, ceiling tiles fallen off or with cue holes in them, various signs on the wall written in crayon including:
‘Anyone caught smoking drugs will be band’
‘Those who are aloud to use table 6 must replace the cover before they leave’
Steve and Chris are the only ones in there. Chris takes the break he smashes the ball which runs half the length of the table hits a rip in the cloth which stops the ball dead in its tracks before the ball spins backwards and into the pocket.
Chris: Eh what’s going on with these tables? They’re almost as retarded as those people out there.
Steve: I told you those people may be a little rough around the edges but they are all rich threads in the tapestry of society.
Chris: What Andy Panda,
Camera cuts to Andy with full on black rings around his eyes, chewing on a piece of bamboo, with a vacant look on his face
Fat Pat and her floating army of chocolate mini-rolls,
Camera cuts to Pat on the toilet bashing one out, with farting noises and an effort ridden face
And Paul the deformed serial killer.
Camera cuts to Paul pressing his face against the glass with a carving knife in one hand, and an evil smile on his face staring at them.
Steve: Stop worrying about them, and worry more about your game, it aint the tables thats retarded its your technique,
Chris: yeh, who died and made you Steve Davis
Steve: I’ll have you know back in the day I was one of the great prospects of the game we in the know call ‘aruba barena’.
Chris: Back in what day, who calls it that?
Steve: Last Thursday. I was in here playing, batty Betty over there saw me playing and said ‘You are quite possibly the most naturally gifted player I have ever seen, mark my words son I’m gonna make you a star’, admittedly she hadn’t taken her metphormin that morning but I feel that her words penetrated the soul of snooker, she was possessed in her momentary madness by all the great players - Nigel Bond, Graham Dott, Mark Selby, and they all saw the raw talent in me.
Chris: Sounds more like they had been eating some raw chicken, so who calls snooker ‘aruba barena’ ?
Steve: Us, the knowledge seekers, we seek out the knowledge then we digest it as if it was one almighty hula hoop, but without the hole in the middle or the unhealthy saturated fat levels, oh yes the hoop of knowledge is a full meal of nutritious knowledgy goodness.
Chris: Whatever, just get on with your shot.
Steve takes his shot, he completely misses the reds the white then bounces off all six cushions before knocking a long range red in, undoubtedly a fluke shot.
Steve: (singing) ‘I’m a Hustler baby, (pointing to Chris still singing) I just want you to know’.
Chris: That was good
Paul walks in to the snooker hall, gives Chris a look of death and walks through a door which leads to his accommodation(never seen) he leaves the door slightly open.
Chris: Don’t take so long over your shots anyway,we gotta be out of here soon I’ve managed to get the three birds from next door to come round today and we’ll have to get ready to meet them soon.
Steve: Wow, you jammer, how did you manage that, I’ve been trying to get them round for the last two years,
Chris: Well I just turned the charm on you know how it is, anyway keep up the pace.
Steve: So when they coming round?
Chris: Nine o’clock
Steve: Tonight, Christ that’s 8 hours away, why do we need to leave so soon?
Chris: Like I said, to get ready
Steve: What, you’re so vain, just let them see who you are not what you look like, you look alright don’t worry about it
Chris: I wasn’t, I was thinking more about you
Steve: What, I have the body of a God
Chris: I know - Buddha
Steve: What’s that supposed to mean, I’m at the peak of physical fitness, I’m a fine specimen of a man
Chris: a man whore, look at you, you have five chins, a nose like a traffic cone and hair like a clown, if you give me some time I think I can get you looking one hundred per cent better.
Steve: How dare you... so you think you can get me looking better, you’re a great mate Chris, how you managed to get those birds to come round, I mean they got great bodies and faces like supermodels
Paul pops his head around the door smiling, he enters the room
Paul: So I couldn’t help eavesdropping, and it seems theres two of you and three of those women and that just doesn’t add up does it, how bout I come round and balance things out,
Steve: I don’t think so mate, I mean I ain’t got nothing against you but we don’t really know you do we?
Paul: What’s there to know, I’m great with the ladies, smooth, suave and sophisticated and I’ll bring a load of beer with me
Steve: Nah dude thanks for the offer but I think we’ll pass on this one.
Paul: (aggressively) There are some people who are on my good side and some people who were on my bad side
Chris: were? what happened to them?
Paul: I ate em
Chris
to Steve) C’mon man just say yes look at him he’s a psycho, he’ll probably cut you up just for giving him a birthday present, and anyway you could just give him a fake address.
Steve: Good idea, yeh OK Paul you can join us tonight on our shindig
Paul: great can I come to your party with the three women aswell?
Steve: Yeh, we live at...
Paulsmiling) Don’t worry I know where you live
Both Steve and Chris gulp and look in horror at each other.
END SCENE
