British Comedy Guide

First two scenes

Okay I'm all but finished on my latest comedy drama script but if anyone can be bothered I'd like some feedback on the first two scenes. Basically I generally try to start a script with a bang but this one is quite subdued for me - although I do think it sets out Ron's character well and kicks off the the main plot.

(THE PART OF RON IS WRITTEN FOR BERNARD HILL

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OR SOMEBODY SIMILAR)

So basically the question is does it hold your attention? And immediate thoughts on character?

Cheers

SCENE 1. EXT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

A CLASSIC JAGUAR WITH THE REG PLATE R0N 01 PULLS UP OUTSIDE THE WAREHOUSE AND EDDIE, (HUGE LUMBERING THUG, 27), JUMPS OUT THE BACK AND RUNS AROUND THE CAR TO OPEN THE OTHER DOOR. RON ST CLAIR (SUITED, LONG COATED, HARD-LOOKING GANGSTER-TYPE, 52) STEPS OUT OF THE CAR, PUFFING ON A LARGE CIGAR AND HOLDING A SUITCASE.

HE BRACES HIMSELF AGAINST THE COLD AND HANDS EDDIE HIS CIGAR SO THAT HE CAN BUTTON HIS COAT. EDDIE SMILES DUMBLY AND BEGINS PUFFING ON THE CIGAR. RON NOTICES AND GIVES HIM A HARD STARE. SUDDENLY TERRIFIED, EDDIE REALISES HIS ERROR AND SLOWLY TAKES THE CIGAR OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND OFFERS IT BACK TO HIS BOSS. RON SLAPS IT OUT OF HIS HAND.

RON: (GRUFF, LIVERPUDLIAN TWANG)
Dick. Come on.

HE STRIDES TOWARDS THE WAREHOUSE ENTRANCE, WITH EDDIE CLOSELY FOLLOWING.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

IN THE CORNER OF THE WAREHOUSE IS A LARGE WOODEN CRATE. A NERVOUS-LOOKING WEASELLY GUY (COLIN CROMWELL) AND HIS MINDER (PAINFULLY-THIN, SKINHEAD) ARE PRESENT, BOTH CHECKING OVER THE CRATE.
CROMWELL SUDDENLY JUMPS IN FRIGHT AS RON ST CLAIR BURSTS NOISILY THROUGH THE DOOR WITH EDDIE. HE STRIDES MENACINGLY TOWARDS HIM.

CROMWELL:
(SUBSERVIENTLY) Oh! Mr St Clair, you're early. I wasn't expecting you until three.

RON ST CLAIR:
(STILL WALKING TOWARDS HIM) I find it always pays to be early, Mr Cromwell. You catch people up to all sorts when you're early.

HE REACHES CROMWELL AND STOPS. EDDIE GLOWERS AT CROMWELL'S SKINNY MINDER, WHO IN TURN GLOWERS BACK, ALTHOUGH NOT QUITE AS IMPRESSIVELY.

RON ST CLAIR:
(NODDING TOWARDS THE CRATE) This the gear is it?

CROMWELL:
Er, yes, this is the merchandise in question. (LOOKING AT RON'S SUITCASE, LICKING HIS THIN DRY LIPS) And that would be the er…financial recompense I take it?

RON ST CLAIR:
Well you're not taking it yet. Not till I see what I'm spending my hard-earned pennies on.

CROMWELL:
Oh…well…we haven't had time to appraise the contents yet, have we Alphonse?

THE SKINNY MINDER SHAKES HIS HEAD.

CROMWELL:
…but as you know Mr St Clair, I am a man of the highest honour, and I personally guarantee that…

IGNORING HIM, RON NODS TO EDDIE WHO PUSHES PAST CORNWELL AND GRABS THE LID ON THE CRATE. WITH MINIMAL EFFORT HE PRIZES THE NAILED-DOWN LID OFF WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

CROMWELL:
(SWALLOWING NERVOUSLY) Strong boy you have there, Mr St Clair.

RON APPROACHES THE CRATE AND PEERS INSIDE. HE LOOKS UP AT CROMWELL AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.

RON ST CLAIR:
So. Where's my porn?

CROMWELL:
Excuse me?

RON ST CLAIR:
My porn, Mr Cromwell. My stickyflicks. I ordered three thousand copies of Schindler's Fist, two thousand copies of Riding Miss Daisy, and for the wooftahs, five hundred copies of Batman In Robin. So. I shall ask you again. Where is my porn?

CROMWELL:
(GROWING MORE NERVOUS) Has the order not been prepared exactly to your specifications then Mr St Clair?

RON ST CLAIR:
Not exactly, Mr Cromwell, no.

HE KICKS THE CRATE OVER AND DOZENS OF BUNCHES OF BANANAS SPILL OUT ACROSS THE FLOOR. CROMWELL'S EYES WIDEN.

CROMWELL:
Oh! Oh no, that can't be correct!

HE HURRIES OVER AND CHECKS THE PACKING DOCUMENTATION. HIS FACE FALLS.

CROMWELL:
Oh. There appears to have been some sort of error, Mr St Clair.

RON ST CLAIR:
Error?

CROMWELL:
Yes, a silly mistake really. You'll probably chuckle when I tell you. You see, I had the DVDs packed in banana crates to avoid suspicion at Customs but it appears my contact at the docks has mistaken your shipment for a genuine supermarket delivery. A simple mix-up, that's all.

HE NERVOUSLY HANDS RON THE PACKING DOCUMENT WHO QUICKLY SCANS IT.

RON:
I see. So what you're telling me is that I've been sent a crate of fruit, whereas my consignment of disgusting contraband Danish pornography is currently on its way to…(CHECKS DOCUMENT)…Tesco Express in East Croydon.

CROMWELL:
Well…yes.

RON ST CLAIR:
I see.

RON NODS AT EDDIE WHO GRABS CROMWELL BY THE THROAT. CROMWELL'S SKINNY MINDER STEPS FORWARD.

RON ST CLAIR:
(POINTING AT THE MINDER WITHOUT TAKING EVEN LOOKING AT HIM)
Don't even think about it, Gollum.

THE MINDER THINKS TWICE AND STEPS BACK.
RON MOVES CLOSER TO CORNWELL, PUTTING HIS FACE ABOUT AN INCH FROM HIS.

RON:
Look at my face, Mr Cromwell. Do you see any sign at all that I might be about to start chuckling?

CROMWELL:
No, Mr St Clair.

RON:
No. That's because if my wife finds out that I've been dealing in porn so utterly disgusting that it's been banned in Sweden, Denmark, and even - yes, even - Germany, she'll divorce me. And my beautiful daughter will never speak to me ever again. And you know how much I love my daughter, Mr Cromwell.

CROMWELL:
(COMPLETELY TERRIFIED) She's the apple of your eye, Mr St Clair. H…how is she?

RON BLINKS, HIS MIND SUDDENLY ELSEWHERE.

RON:
She's…moved in with someone. Some…(HIS TOP LIP CURLS IN DISGUST)…boy.

CROMWELL:
(TRYING TO SWEETTALK WHILE BEING STRANGLED) Oh! Young love, eh? He must be a fine lad for your Sarah to be interested. Good son-in-law material perhaps?

RON SNAPS OUT OF HIS REVERIE.

RON: (TO EDDIE)
Hit him, Eddie.

FROM CROMWELL'S P.O.V., WE SEE EDDIE NOD, AND HIS FIST FLYING TOWARDS CAM.

BLACKOUT TO:

SCENE 3. INT. COLONEL CROC'S FUNCLUB SOFTPLAY. DAY.

CAMERA PULLS BACK FROM A CLOSE-UP ON MATTY'S FACE, TO REVEAL HIM DRESSED IN A RIDICULOUS CROCODILE OUTFIT. THE CROCODILE IS WEARING A MILITARY-STYLE HAT AND TUNIC AND HAS A SNARE DRUM SLUNG AROUND ITS NECK. MATTY'S FACE IS VISIBLE THROUGH THE CROC'S GAPING FLAPPING MOUTH. MATTY, (24, SLIGHTLY-GORMLESS) IS DAYDREAMING.

TO THE REAR OF THE ROOM IS A SIGN THAT READS "COLONEL CROC'S FUNCLUB – LET'S GET SNAPPY WITH THE HAPPY!"

MATTY SHAKES HIMSELF OUT OF HIS DAYDREAM AND SEES HIS BOSS, MRS HARMAN STRIDING ANGRILY TOWARDS HIM.

MATTY:
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Oh shit.

MRS HARMAN:
Matty, what the Hell are you playing at?

MATTY:
Sorry?

MRS HARMAN:
It's five past one! You know it's Colonel Croc's Funtime March on the hour. Look, you've got all your Funtime Bandmates waiting!

MATTY LOOKS AND WE REVEAL A BUNCH OF BORED-LOOKING YOUNG KIDS STANDING IN A ROW BEHIND HIM, SOME WITH DRUMS, SOME WITH KAZOOS.

MATTY:
Right, yeah…sorry.

MRS HARMAN:
You'd best buck your ideas up lad. There's people who'd die to get in that costume.

MATTY:
It smells like someone has died in it. It stinks. And it's too hot. The fan's bust again.

MRS HARMAN:
Just get on with it.

SHE ANGRILY PRESSES "PLAY" ON A CD PLAYER AND STRIDENT MARCHING MUSIC BEGINS. THE KIDS ALL CHEER.

MATTY:
(DEMORALIZED) Okay kids, let's get…

KIDS:
(SHOUTING TOGETHER) Snappy with the happy!

MATTY WINCES AND SETS OFF MARCHING AROUND THE SOFTPLAY, BANGING HIS DRUM WHILST ALL THE KIDS FOLLOW, BLOWING THEIR KAZOOS AND GENERALLY MAKING A HUGE NOISE.

MATTY:
(SINGING UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Seventy-six trombones led the big parade
With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand
They were followed by rows and rows of finest virtuosos
The cream of every famous band....

AS HE MARCHES, HE PASSES A WINDOW AND NOTICES HIS MATES (BRICK AND SHILLY) OUTSIDE, LAUGHING AND POINTING AT HIM AS THEY APE HIS MARCHING.

DISTRACTED, MATTY SILENTLY MOUTHS AT THEM TO "FUCK OFF".
NOT WATCHING WHERE HE'S GOING, ONE OF MATTY'S BIG FLAPPY CROCODILE FEET GETS CAUGHT IN A PUSHCHAIR AND HE FALLS FORWARD, STRAIGHT INTO A BALL POOL.

MATTY:
Awww…shit!

THE KIDS FALL ABOUT IN HYSTERICS, AS DO BRICK AND SHILLY OUTSIDE. MRS HARMAN HURRIES OVER.

MRS HARMAN:
What on Earth do you think you're doing? Get up!

MATTY TRIES.

MATTY:
I can't! The costume's too…heavy…

MRS HARMAN:
Try harder!

WITH A MONUMENTAL EFFORT, MATTY TRIES TO STAND, CAUSING THE ZIP THAT HOLDS THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE COSTUME UP TO UNDO. IT FALLS DOWN A BIT, REVEALING HIS BARE ARSE TO EVERYONE. MRS HARMAN GASPS AND TRIES TO COVER THE HYSTERICAL KIDS' EYES.

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR BRICK AND SHILLY AND WE SEE THEM SILENTLY LAUGHING THROUGH THE WINDOW, SLIDING DOWN THE GLASS HELPLESSLY AND OUT OF VIEW.

MRS HARMAN GETS INTO THE POOL AND DESPERATELY TRIES TO COVER MATTY'S ARSE BY SCOOPING HANDFULS OF PLASTIC BALLS AROUND IT.

MRS HARMAN:
Matty.

MATTY:
Yes Mrs Harman?

MRS HARMAN:
You're fired.

CUT TO:

Ok, well, this reads really well; but it's not a sitcom so far, is it? You talked about a subdued start, and so maybe the laughs pick up, but as it stands it's more like a comedy drama than a sitcom. Good stuff, but not, to my mind, so far, a sitcom.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ January 10 2009, 10:51 PM GMT

Ok, well, this reads really well; but it's not a sitcom so far, is it? You talked about a subdued start, and so maybe the laughs pick up, but as it stands it's more like a comedy drama than a sitcom. Good stuff, but not, to my mind, so far, a sitcom.

It's a comedy drama. Sorry, I've got sitcom on the brain, don't know why I typed that. I'll change that description.

I thought that it bobbed around a bit and I wasn't able to tie up the two strands easily.

However in fairness I'm sure that all would become clear with more of the script available.

Overall though, and although the writing was good, I did feel that I was involved with a sort of Only Fools / Minder hybrid and it read to me more like a comedy drama than a sitcom. But once again there isn't enough to form a clear opinion.

On a positive note I found it easy and enjoyable to read and would like to read more to see how things pan out.

B

EDIT:

Just saw your edit

Quote: Lee Henman @ January 10 2009, 10:52 PM GMT

It's a comedy drama. Sorry, I've got sitcom on the brain, don't know why I typed that. I'll change that description.

Ok, that being the case, it's a good start then! I was going to say, as a sitcom it's a bit light on the com!As a comedy drama, it seems to be settling in nicely.

Yeah...what Matthew said.

I enjoyed the first two scenes (and characters) more than the third's, but it was all good. I take it Matty is Sarah's boyfriend?.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ January 10 2009, 10:54 PM GMT

I thought that it bobbed around a bit and I wasn't able to tie up the two strands easily.

However in fairness I'm sure that all would become clear with more of the script available.

Overall though, and although the writing was good, I did feel that I was involved with a sort of Only Fools / Minder hybrid and it read to me more like a comedy drama than a sitcom. But once again there isn't enough to form a clear opinion.

On a positive note I found it easy and enjoyable to read and would like to read more to see how things pan out.

B

EDIT:

Just saw your edit

Cheers for that. To give you an idea - basically the Matty character is Ron's daughter's boyfriend. He loses his job and can't keep Ron's daughter in the manner to which she's accustomed, so Ron offers him a job working for him.

Matty then gets dragged deeper and deeper into the world of crime as the series progresses.

Quote: Nil Putters @ January 10 2009, 10:58 PM GMT

I enjoyed the first two scenes (and characters) more than the third's, but it was all good. I take it Matty is Sarah's boyfriend?.

Yep.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ January 10 2009, 10:55 PM GMT

Ok, that being the case, it's a good start then! I was going to say, as a sitcom it's a bit light on the com!As a comedy drama, it seems to be settling in nicely.

Ta. This is actually my first crack at comedy drama and I've enjoyed writing it so far. It's quite hard to fight my instincts to put gags in every other line, but it was Micheal Jacob who advise me to drop the funny lines and let the comedy come from the characters, which is hopefully what I've done.

I liked this. The first two scenes in particular read very well. There is clearly a deliberate disconnect with scene 3. It would be interesting to see how the worlds collide.

Lee,

Good work!

Scenes 1 and 2 read very well (though whilst I can picture Bernard Hill in the role of Ron maybe he's a bit past 52? Ray Winstone? If he could do scouse.). I'd be proud to have written them, for what that's worth.

Scene 3 stands up on its own as a sketch so seems out of context to first two however I'm sure it will all gel.

I'd be very interested in seeing/reading the finished piece but obviously I expect there'll be better places for it than on here!

Best of.

Rather Guy Ritchie towards the beginning, which is a pleasant tone to hit for a mobster-based comedy-drama.

Big dumb thugs, crap-costume day jobs and trousers falling down are cliches you might want to avoid, though.

It reads very well. I'd just say that you could do with changing the names of the porn movies, as "Schindler's Fist" and "Riding Miss Daisy" aren't the freshest of titles.(I think "Riding Miss Daisy" was in Friends.)

Quote: Mav42 @ January 11 2009, 3:04 AM GMT

Rather Guy Ritchie towards the beginning, which is a pleasant tone to hit for a mobster-based comedy-drama.

Big dumb thugs, crap-costume day jobs and trousers falling down are cliches you might want to avoid, though.

The trousers falling down stays in! I'm completely determined to stop being scared of physical comedy for fear of falling into cliche.

The croc costume is real - I did it myself for 4 months as Captain Croc when I was a Bluecoat at Pontins.

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I was forever tripping over in it and it bloody stank of sweat from months of other Bluecoats using it.

I did worry about the dumb thug cliche though and drew Eddie as a sensitive poet type. But reading it back it just felt stupid - like I was desperately trying to avoid a big dumb thug cliche, if you know what I mean. After all, that's what most paid muscle are, aren't they? Big and dumb? Otherwise they'd be doing something else.

The whole cliche thing can be an absolute minefield but I think sometimes you just have to say "f**k it, it's funny"

Quote: Mike Greybloke @ January 11 2009, 10:06 AM GMT

It reads very well. I'd just say that you could do with changing the names of the porn movies, as "Schindler's Fist" and "Riding Miss Daisy" aren't the freshest of titles.(I think "Riding Miss Daisy" was in Friends.)

Cheers Mike. I'll look into that.

Lee, I enjoyed that - Looks like it has potential.

Really enjoyed reading it-scans very well, found the characters well drawn-up and quickly introduced them e.g. immediately crime boss takes control.

As for cliches, suppose big thugs are chosen for their unquestioning ability to follow orders, and if they had the brains they'd be running their own gang. Though could make him disarmingly clever/knowledgeable at times. But as said sometimes best to go with the familiar.

Being in a ball pool, obvious thing would be to have him standing on balls and slipping over again.

Anyway, enjoyable fare and good initial set-up. Now interested about what the girlfriend's character is like, whether she's demanding and difficult, or sweet but exasperated, etc. And the farces and uneasy working relationship the dad and boyfriend will have. How is she accustomed to being kept?- just Matty's job didn't seem that well-paid in the first place.

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