Seated debate

I'm a bit stuck on this sketch. I quite like the tone and dialogue but it needs a funnier ending. Any suggestions?

Hope I'm not breaking any forum rules by doing this, btw.

Max (in his 30's) is listening to his ipod sitting on a bus/ train in the 'Please give up this seat to an elderly or disabled person' section. He is surrounded by elderly people. Andrew (an old man) comes up and looks expectantly at Max hoping for the seat. Gradually all the other 'olds' turn to stare at Max. Eventually Max takes his headphones off.

Max
(to Andrew) How old are you?

Andrew
64

Max
You got any ID?

Andrew
(going into his pockets) Driver's license (he hands it to Max)

Max
Ok. I'm not sure 64 is classed as that old.

Andrew
What do you mean?

Max
Well, my granddad was 87 when he croaked. And loads of people live to be over a hundred these days.

Andrew
I'm a pensioner.

Max
Yeah but only just. If that ID is genuine.

Andrew
I've got a bad foot too.

Max
So now you're playing the disabled card.

Andrew
I've had operations on it.

Max
Do you even care that I'm actually quite tired? I had 8 pints of Stella last night.

Andrew
Look, it's my right. I'm going to take that chair.

Max
Well, I'm not moving.
Andrew
Suit yourself (he goes over and sits on Max. To Lilly)You know what one of the worst things about aging is?

Lilly
(pointedly) Losing the respect of the younger generation.

Andrew
No no no. Incontinence. Take me for instance, I like a drink as much as the next chap but it just goes straight through me. Woosh. I had a pint of milk before I came out, it'll really stink when it comes out the other end, I can tell you. I'm having problems controlling solids too, if I'm being honest…

Max
Actually this is my stop.(he gets up quickly and makes his way off the bus )

I think you could actually end it on the word Incontinence and a close up of Max's Squashed, Worried face

Very minor thing, as the sketch is called Seated Debate (Which I really like) Andrew should refer to it as a seat rather than chair.

Also, I think the name Andrew, seems a little young.(Only because that's my name!) I think the older gent should have a name like Fred, Bob, Albert etc

Nice work

Good stuff I think Andrew maybe to polite.

I'm with Minty.
Punchline is definitley 'Incontinence' followed by 'Benny-Hill-look-to-camera' from Max.
Also don't need to know the old lady is called Lilly.
So:-

ANDREW: (to nearby old lady) You know the worst thing about growing old?

OLD LADY: Losing the respect of the younger generation?

ANDREW: No. Incontinence.

Actually come to think of it you don't need to know his name is Andrew, either -OLD GEEZER would do.

I think this is v.good BTW

Good thinking Minty, my old mucker. That. Could. Just. Work.

I name all my characters. Force of habit and helps the actors (imho)

Sootyj, I quite like that Andrew 'wins' by not lowering himself to Max's level. Does that come across?

Lazzard, it could end on a close up of Andrew's face as he relieves himself on Max's lap. Nice!

Hi Greens,

Agree with incontinence being the punchline. Another thing that popped into my head - this line:

Max
So now you're playing the disabled card.

Could be followed by the old man actually producing a disabled card.

Quote: David Bussell @ January 9 2009, 4:12 PM GMT

Hi Greens,

Max
So now you're playing the disabled card.

Could be followed by the old man actually producing a disabled card.

View original

Like it!

Alreet Bussel Sprout,

Yes, that's a good idea.

I've now doubled my amount of postings!

Quote: Minty @ January 9 2009, 4:15 PM GMT

Like it!

View original

This guy has an in depth knowledge of all things onion.

Quote: David Bussell @ January 9 2009, 4:12 PM GMT

Hi Greens,

Agree with incontinence being the punchline. Another thing that popped into my head - this line:

Max
So now you're playing the disabled card.

Could be followed by the old man actually producing a disabled card.

View original

What do you mean by a disabled card? It would have to be something recognisable, like a blue badge, but he'd be unlikely to have one of those with him on a bus. I think it is better if you keep it simple and agree with the others about ending on the incontinence line.

Quote: Loopey @ January 9 2009, 4:42 PM GMT

What do you mean by a disabled card?

View original

Could be a card with the words 'I'm Disabled' on it in big letters. Obviously a made up thing.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ January 9 2009, 4:44 PM GMT

Could be a card with the words 'I'm Disabled' on it in big letters. Obviously a made up thing.

View original

Ah, ok.

Quote: Loopey @ January 9 2009, 4:42 PM GMT

What do you mean by a disabled card? It would have to be something recognisable, like a blue badge, but he'd be unlikely to have one of those with him on a bus. I think it is better if you keep it simple and agree with the others about ending on the incontinence line.

View original

I was thinking it could be on the back of his drivers licence (in the same clear pouch, for instance) and Andrew could just flip it over to show Max the card.

Quote: Loopey @ January 9 2009, 4:42 PM GMT

What do you mean by a disabled card? It would have to be something recognisable, like a blue badge, but he'd be unlikely to have one of those with him on a bus. I think it is better if you keep it simple and agree with the others about ending on the incontinence line.

View original

I was thinking a card with a picture of a man in a wheelchair - the type you see on toilet doors. If the image is shown at all that is - it wouldn't have to be - the old man rifling through his wallet before he's cut off by the kid's next "spare me, grandad" line would do.

Quote: greensville @ January 9 2009, 4:46 PM GMT

I was thinking it could be on the back of his drivers licence (in the same clear pouch, for instance) and Andrew could just flip it over to show Max the card.

View original

I suppose it depends on whether you are deliberately suspending reality by having a made up card to get an extra laugh, or showing a real disabled badge that people would recognise.

Quote: David Bussell @ January 9 2009, 4:49 PM GMT

I was thinking a card with a picture of a man in a wheelchair - the type you see on toilet doors. If the image is shown at all that it - it wouldn't have to be - the old man rifling through his wallet before he's cut off with the kid's next "spare me, grandad" line would do.

View original

I think that would work better, because everything else is 'real' and that would be made up.