Another Leevil sitcom Page 4

This flowed really well and was very easy to read, could see it working with this sort of quick banter. Really liked some of the more surreal elements and thought that they were done well and kept the flow going nicely. Definitely is in search of a plot though and that could result in a lot of the dialogue being lost so as to speed it up a bit.

Thought the ketchup flashback was a slight letdown as it didn't really add anything to the dialogue. Perhaps if the accident was him trying to open a ketchup bottle with a knife and accidentally cut himself then it would be more a surprise.

Wow, bump! It's as if you knew I was commenting on yours!

Thanks for the feedback. Everything had a point in those scenes, the ketchup bottle incident was a setup for another joke or scene but I can't remember what. Yes, there is no real plot or any obvious one and that is its and my own downfall.

Thank you.

I have a list of critique entries that I mean to read when I get time so was glad to arrive at your piece. Have there been any developments/further scripting of this since the first posting of it?

Erm... how can I put this? No.

I can't manage to write a plot and quickly become discouraged and give up. I also need to redo Mark and I can't think of how to make him different to Lee whilst still being likable.

How about Lee and Mark having different dialects or contrasting appearances?

Either of those would give the characters immediate audio/visual individuality without the need to adapt the existing script.
Once you've decided on how Lee and Mark differ, the subsequent script, written around these differences, will further build the characters.

Whilst the script itself is pacy, I can see the dialogue working really well if delivered very deliberately and with some almost excruciating pauses.

I like it. Keep going.

Geoff.

Well I can only really echo what most people have already said, but this is excellent Lee - snappy, witty, well-written and above all else very funny. The biggest lol for me was the 'looking to the future' line, but there were many others besides.

I think you should make it a new year's resolution to get your shit together and finish the whole thing. Never mind worrying about what direction it's going in, just get a full episode written and worry about that stuff after you've done it. Seriously, GET IT DONE!
If you keep starting it and then stopping to think too hard about where it's going you're just never going to get anything finished and that'd be a shame because you have a talent. Once you have a full ep I think it'd be much easier to see where it needs changing and the work involved won't be anything like as hard or intimidating as writing the whole thing.

My two cents, hope it helps mate.

Good advice.

I liked it Lee.

I would start with "Lee's shirt and arms are covered in what looks like blood as he turns to see Mark" then "She's left me man, she's gone" before carrying on with the ketchup lines. I think it would make the "rolling around on the floor to Nothing Compare To You" funnier if you only see it in flashback.

I did enjoy it though, and that's just my opinion.

Thank you Scooby and Moonstone for the advice and Stott confirmation of it all. I'm not the one bumping all these threads, but I appreciate the people that are.

You've all definitely encouraged me to have a go at this and now I can apply all your useful advice, I should be a whizz, I hope.

Not all of them

Really liked this. I got a little lost towards the end, but probably because I was reading too quick

I liked the cushion gag (With picture on back)

Nice work!

Hi Leevil,

As you bumped for comments from newer members I thought I'd chip in despite having little new to say.

Like several people I liked some of the gags but was a bit frustrated that the plot seemed to serve them rather than the other way around.

You do clearly have an ear for dialogue and banter but the reason this works so well in things like Men Behaving Badly is that the narrative structure is firmly established and the jokes hang around it (in my view).

But as you said, I had fun reading it, so where's the harm?

Contrary to the other advice I don't think you should buckle down and get this finished as it will be better than my stuff and ruin my chances.

Slack away say I.

Thanks Minty.

And Ponderer, you'll be pleased to know, I'm working on something else for now. Something new, untried and untested. So you may just be in luck.

Cheers.