Finally completed my first full episode...

Hi

I'm new here and didn't want to come straight in and start posting my work. I think it looks a little disrespectful and arrogant. Having said that, I have read a few teasers from others and am very impressed with the talent and the feedback being given here is fantastic.

I got stuck after 8 pages and there sat my script for 6 months until I watched some cracking comedy over Christmas.

In truth, I'm a little scared. Not even my mum has read any of my scripts.

Here goes though

This is about 5 pages in. It is set in a Bowls Club. Percy is the Barman and is in his mid 70's. Reg is also in his 70's and is propping up the bar. Bob is a banker in his late 50's, Jean is a retired civil servant and the rest of the characters play themselves out

In all honesty, this is early in the plot and I think the middle and latter part of the script are much better, but would not make any sense as the story has developed. I'd be happy to send the full episode. Please PM me.

Looking forward to your comments

BOB:
Gentlemen. Good Evening. What a splendid evening we have ourselves. It's so Nice out there that….

JEAN:
You should be out there playing… (JEAN INTERUPTED)

REG:
The Doctor says I can't play

PERCY:
Didn't realise he's seen you in action

REG:
Cheeky bugger. Actually, it's an old football injury, from the 1982/83 season

BOB:
I didn't have you down as a football player Reg

REG:
Oh no….. I wasn't. I put my foot through the telly when Tottenham beat Arsenal 5-0.

BOB:
I'm sorry Reg, I don't believe you.

REG:
I did, straight through it went, like a hot knife through butter…

BOB:
No, I mean, Tottenham beating Arsenal 5-0

REG:
They did you know, I can remember my neighbour Stan wasn't too happy that day. Right stroppy he was

PERCY:
Arsenal fan was he

REG:
No, it was his telly

BOB:
Well I'm going to get out there, in the fresh air. Just as soon as Vic and Freda arrive.

STANDING UP TALL HANDS ON HIPS, LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, SNIFFING THE "OUTSIDE" AIR

REG:
It won't be fresh out there once those two start. I've never seen a couple smoke as much as they do.

JEAN:
Actually, Freda's given up. She had to on health grounds.

REG:
What is it the dreaded C ?

JEAN:
Nearly, it's the dreaded P !

ALL LOOK ROUND TRYING TO WORK IT OUT

JEAN:
Piles ……. the constant coughing fit's have been giving her piles. She's been sitting on a rubber ring all last week. It's just as well she's given up smoking really as inflatables and cigarettes are not a good combination.

PERCY:
How is she getting on now then

JEAN:
I think she eases on slowly from one side

PERCY:
No I mean, you know, have they gone..

JEAN:
Oh yes, I think so. She's still walking a bit funny, but they said it's good to get out and about.

REG:
She used to smoke about 40 a day, is she taking anything to help her through

JEAN:
Only cough sweets, you know…… just in case. That's her nicotine replacement therapy.

DOUG ENTERS. EARLY THIRTIES, CHEEKY, PAINTER AND DECORATOR

DOUG:
Pint of best please Percy

SHOUTING FROM THE ENTRANCE AS HE WALKS THROUGH

And whatever you lot are having….. I'm assuming we have plenty of horlicks?

BOB:
And what are you trying to insinuate with that remark, Mr Ford?

DOUG:
Oh come on you lot, liven up! I'm only having a laugh. Why don't you cheer yourselves up and get out there and have a game?

JEAN:
We are, as soon as Vic and Freda arrive …….

DOUG INTERRUPTS

DOUG:
You might be waiting a while, I've just seen Freda, sitting on a bench in the park. It was strange actually? She was coughing and seemed to be in pain. Then I saw Vic bending down blowing on something…

BOB:
It must have been her ring

DOUG:
Eugh, How would that stop her coughing?

BOB:
She's got piles. The rings for her to sit on, to ease the pain

JEAN:
Hang on a minute, when did you see them by the bench?

DOUG:
Just after I had parked up, why?

JEAN:
I bet it was the fumes that set her off, just after you'd driven past

DOUG:
What fumes? I had an MOT last week, there's nothing wrong with my car!

JEAN:
The paint fumes Doug…..well, that and the turps. You can smell it a mile away. You know people actually refer to your car as the Ford Turpentine!

DOUG:
Cheeky gits. I use that car to make a living!

PERCY:
You'd be lucky to be bloody living after half an hour in that thing.

BOB:
Well, it looks like our game will be cancelled then; I can't see Freda making it in now. And even if she does get here, she's not going to be in a fit state to play

JEAN:
Will you play with us Reg?

REG:
I can't Jean; I've an old injury that's playing me up and besides, It's my daughter's birthday. My granddaughter's dropping by to pick me up in a little while. We are all going out for a meal

PERCY:
When you say all, does that mean you are finally introducing Elsie to the rest of your family

REG:
Does it heck. I don't think that day will ever come. She's not good with strangers. She tends to drink when she's nervous and she gets quite abusive when she's drunk

PERCY:
Blimey, wouldn't have imagined Elsie would get like that

REG:
I'm talking about my daughter!

JEAN:
Doug, would you like to join us?

DOUG:
I can't Jean love; I'm playing Carl in the club singles. If he ever turns up that is.

PERCY:
He's already here Doug; he's been here since I opened up. He's in the changing rooms, he's turned off all the lights, says he's doing some sort of Medication.

JEAN:
You mean he's in there doing drugs. I knew it…… I brought this up at the AGM, we shouldn't allow youngsters into this club. Soon they'll be Hoodies and Asbo's all over the place.

JEAN STORMS INTO CHANGING ROOM TO SEE CARL ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS LEGS CROSSED, HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED AND HUMMING, WITH A PEG ON HIS NOSE. EARLY 20's SCRUFFY, TALKS AS IF HE'S FROM THE HOOD, NOT VERY BRIGHT

CARL:
What are you doing Jean? I was mid flow there.

JEAN:
Percy says you are in here doing drugs and I for one am not standing for it

CARL:
The deaf old fool, I'm in here doing my Meditation. Focusing the mind, ready for the big game with Doug.

RUBBING HIS EYES, CARL GETS UP AND MAKES HIS WAY PAST JEAN TO THE MAIN CLUB HOUSE

CARL:
Reg, Why did you tell Jean I was doing drugs, it interrupted my flow….. Meditation man, that's the way forward

DOUG:
What are you on about? It's a load of gibberish, you don't believe in all that stuff do you?

CARL:
Absolutely, and it works you know.

DOUG:
What, you honestly think that by focusing your mind, you'll be able to play better.

CARL:
Well no…………

DOUG:
Ha ha, there you go then, total waste of time

CARL:
I was focusing the mind to try and ignore that paint smell. Last time I played you, I nearly collapsed. And yep, it works…….can't smell a thing!

ALL LOOK AT CARL, WITH PEG ON HIS NOSE; HE LOOKS AROUND AT EVERYONE LOOKING AT HIM. AFTER 3 SECONDS, HE GETS IT AND DISSAPOINTEDLY TAKES PEG OFF HIS NOSE, AUDREY ENTERS, LATE SIXTIES, AUTHORITIVE, MASCULINE, LADIES CAPTAIN AND SECRETARY

AUDREY:
Carl, the kids in the car park are trying to steal your motorbike again

CARL:
That's all right Audrey, they won't get far

AUDREY:
Alarmed?

CARL:
They will be when the front wheel falls off at 60 miles per hour…..! I always loosen the nuts. It's a great deterrent

BOB:
It's not a deterrent, as they wouldn't know until it's too late

CARL:
Yeah, but they won't be doing it again will they…

PERCY:
Bloody kids these days, It was only a few years ago when I had my car stolen. Absolutely gutted.

JEAN:
It's strange how we build such an emotional attachment to our four wheeled friends.

PERCY:
No, I mean, it was absolutely gutted… the bastards set the thing ablaze less than 100 yards from my house. Apparently, they used a hosepipe from a neighbour's garden to siphon the petrol. That's why it went up so quick.

BOB:
They wouldn't need to do that with Doug's car. It would be up in flames before they had a chance to light a cigarette.

AUDREY:
Has anyone seen Freda? She said she'd be playing tonight. We were meant to be picking the team for Saturday a bit later.

JEAN:
She'll hopefully be along soon. She's struggling with an illness at the moment. She's just having a rest in the park, but Vic's with her, so she'll be ok.

DOUG:
Basically she's got a pain in the arse, and Vic was last seen blowing on her ring. Ha ha….

JEAN:
You really are disgusting Doug. There are certain things that when it comes to a lady, you just don't joke about. Comments about Age, Weight and you know, personal issues should to be kept to oneself. The only pain in the backside around here is you.

AUDREY:
So she's got Piles again ?

JEAN:
I'm afraid so!

AUDREY:
She really should cut back on the smoking you know. She's 58 and at least 15 stone.

DOUG POINTS AND FLAPS HIS ARMS, THE WOMEN IGNORE HIM

I read it all.

It's quite sharply written. About eighty percent of the jokes hit the mark. That's a very positive basis on which to build.

How does it progress?

Your dialogue is pretty slow and gristly, rather than quick and light, plus the jokes don't really seem to reflect the ages of the characters - especially the piles stuff. If this is all from the same scene then it's too long with too little happening.

I liked this a lot. I laughed at line 4, which was a good start and there were several other good laughs throughout.

I would agree that some of the dialogue is a bit wordy and possibly doesn't serve to drive the plot forward and so is, therefore, in need of cutting. I think you moved from the bar to the changing room at one point so this is clearly at least two scenes so it may be necessary to make this clearer.

A promising start I'd say.

I agree it's a bit clunky, and as stated, this is not the best of the script. I'll try and sharpen the dialog in this particular section

The sit-com ideally will be filmed in a similar style to The Smoking Room without a live audience and a lot of the comedy is in the gestures and looks, which is hard to get accross in a script. It's basically one long scene with characters entering and leaving.

The reference to piles is important due to the way the plot develops. The fact that old people are both suffering from it and talking about it, I think is comical.

I'll explore other avenue's re: the main plot (Piles) and see if something more fitting for the characters ages works

Thanks for your comments so far

I've just looked at it again and there is no clear definition of a scene change. I would suggest having a look at BBC writers room website for script downloads to get an idea of layout, if you haven't already.

Regards the scene being too long, the whole episode is one scene, apart from when they go to the changing room. I may edit this after Steve's helpful comments, so that you only actually hear the voices, rather than actually seeing the scene play out. This may give it more comical value as you will see the peg on his nose for the first time when he enters the clubhouse.

Hello Minty

I quite liked this. It does however need a bit of work. I liked the fact that it was older characters and as I was reading I felt in the type of comfy sunday night feel of Last of the Summer Wine.

The dialogue feels a bit long in many places and needs some good trimming to make each line punchier. There are some nice jokes scattered about your extract. However, I got the feeling that you laboured on them a bit too long with the follow through to the next lines. This could be corrected with trimming as mentioned.

One thing I did notice was your 20yr old character Carl. You say he talks as if he's from the Hood and not very bright, but his dialogue does not reflect this. Reading through his lines he uses good articulate English. Lets take his first line where Jean storms into the changing room:

CARL:
What are you doing Jean? I was mid flow there.

From this he sounds like quite a nice guy to me. So why not imagine him as some white inner city chav type who seems to have developed a Jamaican accent despite the fact he's never ventured much further than the council estate. Now you could have something like this:

CARL:
You is interuptin me Jean, init?

Actually that sounds a bit Ali G, but I hope you get the idea.

Overall though I thought this extract wasn't too bad.

Def.

Thanks for the feedback guys

Def, you are spot on with your comments. I need to sharpen and shorten a lot of the script. I'll also make Carl sound a little less articulate too.

I'm going to go through the whole script again and do another batch of editing. (Only 34 pages to do!)

Can I assume that the jokes will work, when edited and written a little sharper. If so, that makes me very happy indeed

Cheers

Quote: Minty @ January 7 2009, 7:32 PM GMT

Can I assume that the jokes will work, when edited and written a little sharper. If so, that makes me very happy indeed

View original

I can't say for definite that they will work. It may be that with some work they could be even better than they are now. If it was me I would start with trying to trim the excess from everywhere. Have a good look at each line, especially some of the longer lines. Ask yourself - does all of this wording need to be here? What am I actually trying to say? With a careful rewrite can I make my 20 word line of dialogue just 10 words of dialogue and still get the point across well?

One of the best bits of advice I received here was; "some funny bits here but could be leaner, now get out your scalpel and be ruthless with it". It is amazing what you can achieve when you go into 'ruthless scalpel' mode. It is difficult at first because you tend to be very attached to every word you have put on the page, but once you see it will be of benefit you can sometimes carve something much nicer from your original piece.

Best of luck.

Def.