INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
The phone rings. It rings twice as a woman comes into the room and answers it.
WOMAN
Hello?
MAN
Hello, is that Mrs Johnson?
WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
Good morning Mrs Johnson. Before I begin, Mrs Johnson, I'd just like to let you know that this call is being recorded for training purposes. Is that ok, Mrs Johnson?
WOMAN
Yes, fire away.
The man begins heavy breathing.
I think it needs something else.
Perhaps if he starts asking her perverted questions in a rigorously professional way.
But maybe that would be embellishing it too much.
Not sure if I've seen/heard this somewhere before.
I quite like it as it is.
Thanks for the comments, folks.
No Griff, just wrote it today, long after their deadline, I believe?
I'd come at it from a slightly different angle. The guy making dirty calls works for some huge company, and he's called into the bosses office and asked about the calls he's been making. They're played to him... Maybe the punchline is the boss playing him a tape that illustrates a far superior way of making dirty calls?
I also quite like it as it is but I would definitely have done something more with it:
Have him go on to ask what she's wearing/say he can see her in her nightie etc. but in a very corporate, professional type way.
Have fun with her reactions to what he's doing, particularly confusion as he's doing it as if he were a company cold-caller.
When she's had enough and is about to hang up, perhaps culminate with a sort of "if you don't want us to pass your details on to other specially selected perverts whose services may be of interest to you, please press the hash key now" type thing.
And if you don't want to do that, mind if I nick the idea?
Quote: chipolata @ January 7 2009, 12:17 PM GMTI'd come at it from a slightly different angle. The guy making dirty calls works for some huge company, and he's called into the bosses office and asked about the calls he's been making. They're played to him... Maybe the punchline is the boss playing him a tape that illustrates a far superior way of making dirty calls?
That's a clever idea. I don't know if I would find it funny though.
Quote: Afinkawan @ January 7 2009, 12:24 PM GMTI also quite like it as it is but I would definitely have done something more with it:
Have him go on to ask what she's wearing/say he can see her in her nightie etc. but in a very corporate, professional type way.
Have fun with her reactions to what he's doing, particularly confusion as he's doing it as if he were a company cold-caller.
When she's had enough and is about to hang up, perhaps culminate with a sort of "if you don't want us to pass your details on to other specially selected perverts whose services may be of interest to you, please press the hash key now" type thing.
And if you don't want to do that, mind if I nick the idea?
I didn't want to get into specific stuff he's saying and she's replying, the joke for me was that he might be enough of a nutter to record his stuff in order to improve his perversity. (He wants to appear on Perversity Challenge... cringe.)
Yes, go on, it's a laugh, get into him saying things instead, without the heavy breathing.
Here we go then. A quick attempt:
F/X: PHONE RINGS AND IS ANSWERED
MRS. JOHNSON: Hello?
CREEPY GUY: Hello Mrs. Johnson. This call may be being recorded for training purposes if that's OK?
MRS. JOHNSON: I suppose so. What are you phoning for?
CREEPY GUY: I can see you in your nightie. (STARTS HEAVY BREATHING)
MRS. JOHNSON: What is this? I'm not wearing my nightie.
CREEPY GUY: Even better! (MORE HEAVY BREATHING/PERVY MOANING)
MRS. JOHNSON: No, I mean I'm fully dressed. Look why are you phoning me?
CREEPY GUY: I'm calling from Peepers Ltd. We're a new company and we're in the area canvassing for business. (BEAT) In fact…I'm right outside your house. I can see you through your window (MORE HEAVY BREATHING).
MRS. JOHNSON: This just isn't acceptable, phoning up women and scaring them. I've a good mind to call the police.
CREEPY GUY: You dirty whore, you like me looking at you. (HEAVY BREATHING)
MRS. JOHNSON: Right. That's enough. Let me speak to your supervisor.
SUPERVISOR: (PAUSE) Hello Mrs. Johnson. How can I help?
MRS. JOHNSON: I want to know why your staff are phoning me making dirty phone calls.
SUPERVISOR: I know you love it. I can see your bras on the washing line. I want to touch your panties. (HEAVY BREATHING)
MRS. JOHNSON: Right that's it. If you don't go away, I'm calling the police.
SUPERVISOR: OK Mrs. Johnson. One last thing. If you don't want us to pass your details on to other specially selected perverts whose services you may be interested in, please press the hash key now.
MRS. JOHNSON: (PAUSE) Oh go on then.
F/X: PHONE BEING PUT DOWN
I like that version too!
Yes, that's well done. I start pondering on the nature of Peepers Ltd, though, and wondering what their business is - does it stretch the logic too much? Also, I think that only in a comedy sketch would she go along with it.
GIven the level of interest in this thread, I think we have found the level of the board
Yes, I think so. If it wasn't in Critique, many more people would be chipping in!
Quote: Bad dog @ January 7 2009, 2:00 PM GMTYes, that's well done. I start pondering on the nature of Peepers Ltd, though, and wondering what their business is - does it stretch the logic too much?
I don't think you'd have time to ponder too much but point taken, I've moved the line.
Quote: Bad dog @ January 7 2009, 2:00 PM GMTAlso, I think that only in a comedy sketch would she go along with it.
I think that can be said of an awful lot of comedy sketches. It's quite difficult to write a completely 100% realistic comedy sketch. Mind you, that can be a good thing. You get the audience to buy into your odd little world for a minute or two and don't need to sustain the suspension of disbelief as long as you would do for a whole sitcom set in a world which doesn't make too much sense.
I like that, it eases the viewer into it in a better way. At that point the audience would be willing to go along with it.