REMOVED!!! Thanks for all the feedback!
First 10 pages of my first sitcom attempt!
I like this. An original concept and quite a few laughs. Some of the radio stuff went over my head on first reading but I'm sure if I re-read it it would make sense. My only criticism really is that near the end when Stan is talking about Glenys that he should probably seem a bit more surprised when he finds out that she had a twin. Also do you plan to regularly use the clown? I like the oddness of it and think it should feature at least once an episode. I guess it's quite difficult to see where the script going to go and perhaps even more difficult to see how you would get a whole series out of it but if you can think of enough ideas then you should go for it.
I will read it, but the format needs working on first.
You need to find a way to distinguish action from dialogue, because currently it's very hard to read - in the first few lines you have dialogue running straight into action with no line break even.
There's a gazillion ways of formatting - you'll find plenty of advice/links on this forum but the BBC WritersRoom may be a place to start.
For what it's worth I was very confused as to the opening location - are they actually in a coat cupboard ???!!
After that the format got to me.
I know it sounds dull but you need to look at this.
Good Luck
It seems very half-past eight on Friday night on BBC1 - so that's the type of slot to aim for with it. I thought the clown scene fizzled too.
Yeah I thought it was quite good, didn't set my face on fire but aimed at the right audience it may go down rather well. I liked the clown bit. Reminded me of a short lived US sitcom in 2005 called 'Committed' where the main character had a depressed clown living in his flat and would make an appearance every episode....ahhh good times.
Clown's are so cliched that you really have to domething different with them to justify their use.
Quote: Johnny Green @ January 6 2009, 11:17 AM GMTI like this. An original concept and quite a few laughs. Some of the radio stuff went over my head on first reading but I'm sure if I re-read it it would make sense. My only criticism really is that near the end when Stan is talking about Glenys that he should probably seem a bit more surprised when he finds out that she had a twin. Also do you plan to regularly use the clown? I like the oddness of it and think it should feature at least once an episode. I guess it's quite difficult to see where the script going to go and perhaps even more difficult to see how you would get a whole series out of it but if you can think of enough ideas then you should go for it.
Thanks Johnny Green for taking the time to read it and leave feedback. I've taken note of the criticism and will focus on that in a re-write. I also like the idea of the clown. He is used more in this episode and I agree, I think it would be quite amusing to have him pop up in each episode. I totally appreciate your point about seeing where a whole series would come from. It seems like quite a closed situation, but I have had the pleasure(?) of working as a steward so I have loads of experience to draw from. Weather or not it'll be funny or interesting is another matter though! Thanks again!
Quote: Lazzard @ January 6 2009, 11:49 AM GMTI will read it, but the format needs working on first.
You need to find a way to distinguish action from dialogue, because currently it's very hard to read - in the first few lines you have dialogue running straight into action with no line break even.
There's a gazillion ways of formatting - you'll find plenty of advice/links on this forum but the BBC WritersRoom may be a place to start.
For what it's worth I was very confused as to the opening location - are they actually in a coat cupboard ???!!
After that the format got to me.
I know it sounds dull but you need to look at this.
Good Luck
Apologies Lazzard. I wrote it using Celtx which wasn't too kind when I copied and pasted into the forum! I tried to tidy it up a little but I agree, it's still a little confused. I have just gone through it all and capitalised the descriptions-I hope this helps. Thank you for the advice and for being willing to still give it another go-I really do appreciate it. I've changed the heading for the first scene to try and help it make more sense. Thanks again 
Quote: chipolata @ January 6 2009, 12:02 PM GMTIt seems very half-past eight on Friday night on BBC1 - so that's the type of slot to aim for with it. I thought the clown scene fizzled too.
Not sure if that's a compliment-my instinct says no! As much as I would love the level of success to have something I wrote in this slot, I know many of you on here find it dubious to say the least. As the episode develops, there are many scenes that would most definatly not be suited for this slot. From this, Im thinking that perhaps I should pick my time slot Im aiming for and re-write parts of it with that in mind. Thanks to you Chipolata for reading it and taking the time to comment.
Quote: Eden Carter @ January 6 2009, 12:26 PM GMTYeah I thought it was quite good, didn't set my face on fire but aimed at the right audience it may go down rather well. I liked the clown bit. Reminded me of a short lived US sitcom in 2005 called 'Committed' where the main character had a depressed clown living in his flat and would make an appearance every episode....ahhh good times.
Thanks Eden Carter! The sudience factor seems to be coming up a bit so this is something I can focus on more in a re-write. I think as the episode develops that perhaps it slips into being suitable for totally different audience so Im gonna have to bite the bullet and pin my colours to one. Thanks for taking the time to help me.
Chipolata-I agree with clowns being a cliche and will bear this in mind when using him-thanks again.
Quote: Quentin @ January 6 2009, 12:33 PM GMTNot sure ifthat's a compliment-my instinct says no! As much as I would love the level of success to have something I wrote in this slot, I know many of you on here find it dubious to say the least. As the episode develops, there are many scenes that would most definatly not be suited for this slot. From this, Im thinking that perhaps I should pick my time slot Im aiming for and re-write parts of it with that in mind. Thanks to you Chipolata for reading it and taking the time to comment.
It was a compliment. You have an easy accessible writing style, suited to a wider audience. Don't forget, so many writers are breaking their necks to be odd and dark that they often overlook the fact that the beeb spends a lot of money trying to develop mainstream writing talent.
Quote: chipolata @ January 6 2009, 12:35 PM GMTIt was a compliment. You have an easy accessible writing style, suited to a wider audience. Don't forget, so many writers are breaking their necks to be odd and dark that they often overlook the fact that the beeb spends a lot of money trying to develop mainstream writing talent.
Thank you very much! As mainstream seems to be where the focus is, perhaps that has answered my issue regarding which audience to focus on. Thanks again!
I've read it now - a lot easier in the new format!
Overall it currently has a sort of Britas Empire(not sure of spelling, sorry)feel about it - the whole behind the scenes/sport thing.
It's a bit slow, IMHO - I would like to see it start with a bit more of bang, both for the viewing public's sake and, more, importantly, for any industry reader.
There's an old screenplay addage that says you should join a scene as late as you can and leave as early as you can - it's worth bearing in mind.
I think it drifts from room to room a bit at the opening [still don't quite know where they are - you're action lines could be a little clearer].
And I know we need to get into lots of characters etc but it could be a bit more punchier.
More jokes per page would be the next comment - and not weak puns like teas/teaser...![It's tempting to have a character who always makes crap jokes, but they'll wear thin everso quickly.]
I think giving someone a twin, just so you can make a joke is stretching it a bit - liked the payoff though.
Way to early to know whether I'd want to see more of these people - perhaps when you have more you'll feel like showing it.
Or not!
Hello Lazzard!
Thanks for taking the time to come back to this. Im glad the new format made it easier-I think! 
I have written the first draft of the whole episode but only put up the first 10 pages as I thought the whole thing may put people off from reading it as it would be a long post. That said, perhaps my first 10 pages managed to put them off anyway
I agree about it perhaps being too slow. I try to keep in mind three laughs per page and although I may not have managed it yet-I will aim to achieve this in later drafts. I have alrady made some ammendments and Im working on it bit by bit. From the feedback, one of the main things I have discovered is that perhaps my script as a whole will appear as several scripts combined as I fear the style and pace may change throughout. This is food for thought though.
As much as I am aiming high whilst writing this script, I am also aware that it is my first attempt so if it eventually dies a death at least I will have the experience from it to hopefully improve upon next time. So thank you to all you kind people who have taken the time to help me-I can assure you that I'm learning from you all