Hello Eden,
Ignore those two bickering old women, I liked it, especially the guy in the macintosh - nice touch.
The title is fine. The only thing I will say is that in the little bit you've posted, there seems little dramactic premise. Just a bloke on a train.
Godot I am kind of with you. But on the other matter; as a rule of thumb if you have to use a penknife to get it out from under the table just say f**k the expense and buy a packet yourself.
This just didn't grab me at all. Maybe you should make your central character a bit older and more worldweary - the type that would snap for the smallest of reasons. A kind of forty-year old Victor Meldrew, perhaps, or a frustrated guy in his 30s like Tim from "The Office"? But I wish you good luck and good writing.
I liked it. With this kind of premise, you can go anywhere by introducing another passenger/character. That's how Rising Damp stayed fresh; it was able to introduce new tenants for an episode. I think the character should be a little older. Maybe more like Reggie Perrin i.e. a commuter who has been on the same trains for years on end. Maybe have him know more passengers who are in the same boat (I mean train!) so the Ben character can interact. It seems like a "comedy of embarrassments", a more modern comedy, yet set in a very traditional setting. After all, trains have been around for over a hundred years and all kinds of people travel on them.
Maybe the train/track can be a metaphor for everybody going nowhere fast?
I think this kind of comedy will play better, as long as the action is continuous. Keep on having two jokes going simultaneously, like you've done with the kid and the present and the man asking for the loo. ("Sheryl, the bog's down here!" is a funny line – keep that in). When action is non-stop, there's no time to get bored.
It's all observational comedy, of course. But don't feel obligated to stay on the train – Hancock did that back in the late fifties, and after The Royale Family, for better or worse, we know half an hour can be spent in one room, so it loses it's gimmick/impact. One last thing, be careful how you title the project. Last of the Summer Wine had the working title The Library Mob and they moved out of the library setting about four years into it's so-far-34-year tenure.
You might want to see the 2003 Christmas special of "My Family" which is set completely on a train - if you haven't already done so.
I can see this being on BBC Three.
Quote: Dave @ January 6 2009, 12:07 AM GMTI liked it. With this kind of premise, you can go anywhere by introducing another passenger/character. That's how Rising Damp stayed fresh; it was able to introduce new tenants for an episode. I think the character should be a little older. Maybe more like Reggie Perrin i.e. a commuter who has been on the same trains for years on end. Maybe have him know more passengers who are in the same boat (I mean train!) so the Ben character can interact. It seems like a "comedy of embarrassments", a more modern comedy, yet set in a very traditional setting. After all, trains have been around for over a hundred years and all kinds of people travel on them.
Maybe the train/track can be a metaphor for everybody going nowhere fast?
I think this kind of comedy will play better, as long as the action is continuous. Keep on having two jokes going simultaneously, like you've done with the kid and the present and the man asking for the loo. ("Sheryl, the bog's down here!" is a funny line – keep that in). When action is non-stop, there's no time to get bored.
It's all observational comedy, of course. But don't feel obligated to stay on the train – Hancock did that back in the late fifties, and after The Royale Family, for better or worse, we know half an hour can be spent in one room, so it loses it's gimmick/impact. One last thing, be careful how you title the project. Last of the Summer Wine had the working title The Library Mob and they moved out of the library setting about four years into it's so-far-34-year tenure.
You might want to see the 2003 Christmas special of "My Family" which is set completely on a train - if you haven't already done so.
I can see this being on BBC Three.
Hey thanks Dave. I like your metaphor! Yeah I'm hoping the premise will be pretty fresh because as the train goes further north, characters will come and go at different stops but there will be a certain number of passengers who we return to throughout the journey- like the 'regulars'. I've written it so it plays out like a continuous number of sketches which aren't always in the one setting, as things that the passengers may see outside become exploited throughout.
Yeah I may make Ben a little older. But we always see 'the tired older man' and the 'world weary grumpy guy' - e.g. Rick Spleen/Lead Balloon type. I just think if the guy was in his early to mid twenties its an awkward time of life. Its like the transition from being an adolescent to full-blown adult.
There may seem to be a lack of plot now, but the twist (which is partially revealed at the end of the pilot) is, as he is going up to visit his girlfriend, and whilst on board the train, he does indeed become friendly with another passenger who is also traveling up to surprise his girlfriend. But unbeknown to Ben, this other guy is in fact seeing his (Ben's) girlfriend. There is then another sub-plot which resolves itself at the end of the series but I don't want to reveal it yet lol.
Hope that sounds a little more intriguing but thanks again for the feeback 
Oh and I remember that episode of "My Family". I also remember it being one of the only episodes I actually enjoyed lol
Not too much to go on here. Apologies if this has been mentioned before but I wonder about the practicalities (and expense) of setting an entire sitcom series on a train. If I was a producer I think I'd be looking for an easier option.
The 'action' is probably too wordy as mentioned but I always find action is the first thing to be trimmed back to essentials when you have 10 pages to loose once you're at the end of a story.
It made me smile a couple of times but personally I'm not sure I would tune in week after week to watch someone elses nightmare train journey to Edinburgh, I can just remember my own.
It is different though, so good luck.
Quote: Eden Carter @ January 6 2009, 12:47 AM GMT... He does indeed become friendly with another passenger who is also traveling up to surprise his girlfriend. But unbeknown to Ben, this other guy is in fact seeing his (Ben's) girlfriend. There is then another sub-plot which resolves itself at the end of the series ...
That's certainly an intriguing idea. Plenty of opportunities for both farce and drama there.