A scene from my comedy

Okay this is the first time I have ever attempted to write a script and this is a very rough draft(rougher than sandpaper )Its just a very quick scene and I would love members to give me advice on...well everything lol(script format,characters etc)Thanks

INT.LOUNGE.DAY

A very obese dog is walking slowly on a treadmill, he is tied to the machine and extremely tired while staring at the television which is showing 'the jeremy kyle show'. Next to the treadmill Maureen is sitting in her armchair wearing mens boxer shorts and a huge white bra while drinking a can of beer through a straw.

MAUREEN

Neil get ya fat arse up ya lazy sod, ya gonna be late for work again.

(Neil already up wanders into the lounge while struggling to put his trousers on.)

Neil

(looking at the dog with a bemused expression on his face)

He's looking knackered shall I go put the 'Rocky' soundtrack on?

MAUREEN

Took him up the vets yesterday and the cheeky begger told me I need to take him for walks and get him some much needed exercise,can you believe that?

NEIL

Well when your 6 year old labrador looks like Russell Grant wearing a fur coat then yeah I can.

Maureen with a hurt expression on her face gets up,turns off the treadmill bringing the dog over to her seat as she sits back down.

MAUREEN

Here you go my precious little thing

(Maureen pulls out a mars bar from the side of her chair and feeds it to the dog)

Dont listen to anything my evil little nephew says.

NEIL

You've had that dog on there for how long exactly?

MAUREEN

forty five minutes.

NEIL

And how many calories has he burnt?

MAUREEN

just over 50

NEIL

And you reward him by giving him a mars bar containing 300 calories?

MAUREEN

We all deserve treats Neil when we put in the hard work, but you wouldnt know nothing about that.

NEIL

Whats that supposed to mean? I am currently training to become deputy manager of a highly successful...

MAUREEN

..Back street Bookies, A place where burglars broke in and the only thing taken was the bloody carpet.

NEIL

Well it was a nice carpet

MAUREEN

Yeah it was so nice the next day they brought it back.

Good start Ted. I like the way it's going and I think it shows promise.

Dont listen to anything my evil little nephew says.

That kind of thing can be a bit of a cringe. I'd have him call her Auntie or think of an even better way to introduce their relationship.

You set a good, humorous scene. Keep it up.

Your formatting and action is pretty good for a beginner. There is some software out there, my personal favourite is Celtx.com, it's free, the best price.

Quote: Leevil @ January 2 2009, 7:54 PM GMT

Good start Ted. I like the way it's going and I think it shows promise.

That kind of thing can be a bit of a cringe. I'd have him call her Auntie or think of an even better way to introduce their relationship.

You set a good, humorous scene. Keep it up.

Your formatting and action is pretty good for a beginner. There is some software out there, my personal favourite is Celtx.com, it's free, the best price.

View original

Thanks a lot Lee...really appreciate the advice,
about the evil little nephew line, I was trying to portray how she treats the dog like a baby and she was saying that sentence the way a mom speaks to their baby,I will make that clear next time

Anyone else care to share some advice?

Quote: Ted Crilly @ January 2 2009, 8:02 PM GMT

I was trying to portray how she treats the dog like a baby and she was saying that sentence the way a mom speaks to their baby,I will make that clear next time

View original

I understood that. But I also thought you were establishing their relationship as well. It's an OK line on its own.

Russell Grant is a very old topical reference. You could use someone like Johnny Vegas, but at the risk of sounding sexist I would make the dog a bitch and use a female celebrity, it will give the gag more bite.

The dialogue, particularly from the nephew, is rather clunky an unrealistic, a mixture of redundant cliche (e.g. you wouldnt know nothing about that, Whats that supposed to mean?) and over precision (for how long exactly, I am currently training). People do not really talk like that, so unless the nephew's defining character trait is that he is a berk I would try to make the lines sound less obviously like set ups and more like a conversation people might actually have.

Quote: Timbo @ January 2 2009, 11:59 PM GMT

Russell Grant is a very old topical reference. You could use someone like Johnny Vegas, but at the risk of sounding sexist I would make the dog a bitch and use a female celebrity, it will give the gag more bite.

The dialogue, particularly from the nephew, is rather clunky an unrealistic, a mixture of redundant cliche (e.g. you wouldnt know nothing about that, Whats that supposed to mean?) and over precision (for how long exactly, I am currently training). People do not really talk like that, so unless the nephew's defining character trait is that he is a berk I would try to make the lines sound less obviously like set ups and more like a conversation people might actually have.

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Ouch

lol thanks for the advice mate, I will try and make the convo a lot better

Quote: Ted Crilly @ January 2 2009, 11:43 PM GMT

Anyone else care to share some advice?

View original

I would make Maureen's bra more of a comedy colour, maybe more of a mauve?

Teal, surely?

It's only a snippet so is hard to judge where you stand on things like story, but my quick impressions are:

Positive:
There is a nice to-and-fro bounce and the characters are easily identifiable.

Negative:
They say things that people who already know each other don't really say, at least in decent comedy or drama. Things like: what their job is, what they are about to do, what they've just done, even who they are. I know another thread got caught up in debating this, so to try and avoid going there again I'll call it "clunky exposition". You can tell us all these things more cleverly and succintly.

The idea of a dog being rewarded for its exercise in this way is a good one and it would make a good central point of a scene. But overall the scene is longer than this one really good idea and it gets buried in amongst some other bits that drag it down. Cut out the bits you don't really need.

Good luck and post some more.

My advice is throw this away and start something else. Nothing could be less promising in my view than a comedy featuring a lazy chav and a man who works in a betting office. use your imagination and come up with something that bears no relation to your own situation. And put some jokes in it.

I think this quite good.

Again there is only a bit to look at, put up some more.

I have this nasty habit of comparing stuff on these boards to sitcoms already made. The thing I would say is that I am reminded of Daisy and Onslow in KUA.

Keep at it

Ted, maybe all these people are right. But for a first piece, this shows your potential as a writer. I hope they haven't discouraged you. Negative feedback, can sometimes be the best feedback, especially if it is constructive, like these have been.

I'd do what Godot says and start again. But before you do, do some research. Read all the tips and advice that are dotted around this site. There's some pinned threads in the writers forum and some unpinned ones too. You could also buy a book, they are dirt cheap on Amazon. I recommend Marc Blake's How To Be A Sitcom Writer. I picked it up for about a quid on Marketplace.

Keep it up dude, I liked your style.

Quote: Griff @ January 3 2009, 3:40 PM GMT

But I don't agree with Godot that "a comedy featuring a lazy chav and a man who works in a betting office" is unpromising. Everything's in the execution.

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Agreed. I only imagined after learning how to write a sitcom, a fresh start maybe a good idea. Maybe not though.

Thanks for the replies, I will stick at it and hopefully get much much better