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TITLE: A PUNT AND A HALF
PREMISE
Series is about a guy and his wife who buy a Village Store & Post Office in a midlands rural area.
The bloke (Barry) is a Londoner, management consultant and his Cornish wife (Debbie) keeps trying to juggle his ideas with what the local/yokels actually want. Ensemble of regular customers and staff
Lena - Slightly dim shop assistant who keeps ordering chocolate buttons from the Cash and Carry even though there are cases and cases in the storeroom. She also orders Rothmans every week, even though the only person who smoked them was her husband - who gave them up 6 months ago
Pat - 80ish shop assistant who can only do 2 hours a week and jams the till at least once a week
Mandy - grossly overweight 60ish woman, permanently on yo yo diets, awful teeth, keeps showing off her thong every time she loses 2 or 3 pounds. Sister of Ben at the paper shop who she hates with a passion cause he was given the family business.
Jackie - Mandys slutty daughter - married for 10 years, keeps throwing out husband Mike but takes him back every time she gets pregnant by another man. Keeps saying "doesnt he look like his Dad" even though kids look unalike Mike and each other and vary from obviously white to almost certainly hispanic. Constantly leeches off her mother.
Edna - Celia Imrie type figure, married but fancys anything in trousers, especially Barry "he's so polite....."
Dave and Diane - live next door to the shop, but are in at least 4 times a day, usually in the last hour and usually within minutes of each other, often meeting each other on the way in/out. Dave lost an arm in an industrial accident, now on incapacity benefit, but does odd jobs to supplement income
Ian - recently arrived from the south east, takes over Parish Council, Neighbourhood Watch and the local Tory party
Anne - brain dead local councillor, husband Eamonn (smug bastard conservative)
Diana - obvious m - f transexual/transvestite (never made clear) - buys bottle of sherry and 40 fags every day. AKA "QC and 40"
EPISODE Half - BUYING/OPENING
Barry and Debbie are looking round a dark, filthy shop with acres of shelf space and light fittings full of dead flies and cobwebs. There are grills on the doors and windows. A poster on the window says "Directions - 20p"
Barry, reads the notice, points it out to Debbie, looks up at the lights mutters to Debbie "good to see this place is welcoming to somebody anyway"
Debbie "sssh, he'll hear you"
Shopkeeper ambles in from the back in moth eaten sweater, wearing slippers.
Barry "What's with the directions thing George?"
George "Well I keep getting these foreign truck drivers misrouted off the bypass by their satnav, they don't buy anything, just want directions, so I charge em. The time it takes, 20p is far too cheap"
Barry "So George, have you ever experimented with longer opening hours?"
George "If they haven't got what they need by 5.30, they can go without till the morning, and Ben at the paper shop is open till 6.15 so if they just want fags they can get em from him"
Barry "And the Post Office? What hours do you open that"
George "Well Wendy runs it 9 - 5.30. We close it Wednesday so she can run the shop while I go the cash and carry and we don't open it Saturday"
Barry "Those hours OK with the Post Office?"
George "Look, if you take this place on, don't let those Post Office bastards run you ragged - they send round these useless bloody managers - I just tell em to bugger off - they don't pay me enough to worry what they think"
Barry "Thanks George, can we just have a minute" - George shuffles off
Barry to Debbie "Right, this is how I see it. He's selling the business and property for less than the property alone is worth. If we can't make it work, we'll convert the shop to living space and sell it as a 4 bedroom house.
Based on these accounts, with a bit of time and effort we can sweat the assets, extend the opening hours, boost the turnover and profit and sell it on inside 5 years at 2 or 3 times what we're paying, so we really can't lose"
Debbie "so who's going to be doing the sweating? Me I suppose - I can't see you getting back from work at 7 and then doing the late shift"
Barry "I'll do my bit at weekends when I can, obviously you'll be the face of the business, but I'll dictate strategy so you don't have to worry about it. Ultimately, its your decision - have I ever forced you to do anything you didnt want to do?"
Debbie (evil grin) "well, there was that time with the Mars Bar..."
Barry " I told you it had to have been in the fridge first! But apart from that., what do you think Debs, worth a punt?"
Debbie (Gromit like rolling of eyes) "Go on then, but 5 years tops OK? Win lose or draw I'm not staying in this backwater a moment longer"
Barry "For someone coming from Bideford, backwaters a bit rich"
Debbie "This place makes Bideford look like Vegas"
Barry "Oh yeah - I'll look out for CSI Bideford then - anyway, are we on?"
Debbie nods
Barry, beckoning to George "George, if we can just have a small discussion on price, we could have a deal.........."
6 WEEKS LATER
George "so theres the keys, and the alram code is 1234 - you might want to see about changing that"
Barry "thanks George, well, all the best and we'll contact you if we have a problem with anything"
George "not sure our croft on South Uist has a phone, but I'll let you know. Oh, one last thing, don't let the buggers have anything on tic - you'll never get it out of em"
exit George
Debbie starts mopping the floor, cleaning the windows, taking the grills off the doors. Barry is going round taking all the out of date posters off the windows.
enter Mandy, lowers her bulk onto an old chair by the door, which squeaks in complaint
Mandy "right love, my names Mandy. Put the kettle on and I'll tell you about everyone in the Village"
Debbie "We're not really open today - we need to tidy up a bit and get ready, but you can have a cuppa with pleasure" - goes to get tea
Barry starts unpacking a new EPOS system to replace the old Awkright style till
Dave enters - Mandy mutters "keep your eye on that one for a start"
Barry "We're not actually open, did you want a lot"
Dave "Nah, just a bag of coal mate - Im Dave from next door" offers false hand Barry shakes it - recoils nervously
Dave laughs, "its OK mate, just my little joke"
Debbie returns with tea, sees Dave , offers her hand
Barry "erm....."
Dave lifts coal sack onto shoulder
Dave "I'll be back in later, we'll settle up then yeah?" Leaves shop without waiting for answer.
Mandy "see what I mean - u can kiss that goodbye for a start. Anyway, where were we?"
Debbie "you were going to give us the lowdown on everyone"
Mandy " Oh aye, well..............."
FADES
LATER THAT EVENING, IN BED IN THE SHOP FLAT
Debbie "It's funny how everybody who came in warned us about everybody else isn't it"
Barry "If half what they said is true, there'll be a Wicker Man on the kids playground by morning"
Debbie "either that or Number 2 will be introducing himself shortly"
Barry ""I am not a number, Im a free man" - mind you, I reckon that Ian must be No 2 - he already seems to run "the Village""
Debbie laughing "but who is No 1?"
Barry "Got to be Mandy! Night love, oh, set the alarm?
Debbie "Yeah, but why 2014?"
Barry "So that every time we set it, we remind ourselves how long till we leave"
Debbie "Berk, night"
Kisses Barry
Updated with thanks for comments
