Scene 2 of my sitcom

This is for everyone who read the first scene i posted about 2 weeks ago, and anyone else who wants to read it and tell me its great. I dont think its particularly funny but it'll be nice to get your feedback.

SCENE 2. INT. APARTMENT

WE SEE A GLUM POSTMAN (DAVE) RING A DOORBELL. WE THEN CUT INSIDE HARRY AND EMMA'S APARTMENT WHERE WE SEE HARRY OPEN THE DOOR.

HARRY:
Hey Dave! How are things?

DAVE THE POSTMAN JUST STARES BLANKLY AND EMOTIONLESS AT HARRY. IN HIS HAND IS A LETTER.

HARRY: (looking at the letter)
Oh that must be for me is it?

AFTER ABOUT 5 SECONDS OF JUST STARING AT HARRY, DAVE FINALLY SPEAKS AND HANDS HARRY THE LETTER

DAVE THE POSTMAN:
Yes

HARRY:
Ah wicked, thanks Dave. I can always rely on you to deliver my mail promptly

DAVE DOESNT RESPOND

HARRY:
Is it just this or? Any bills? Or death threats? No?

AGAIN DAVE JUST STARES AT HARRY. THEY THEN BEGIN TO SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME BEFORE STOPPING TO LET THE OTHER TALK

HARRY:
Sorry Dave go on

DAVE THE POSTMAN:
No

HARRY:
No . . . oh you mean no bills?

DAVE AGAIN REMAINS SILENT WITH A DOWNBEAT LOOK ON HIS FACE. HARRY JUST SMILES AND NODS

HARRY:
Ok. See you tomorrow then buddy, thanks for the letter

DAVE THE POSTMAN NODS ONCE AND THEN TURNS VERY SLOWLY, BEFORE WALKING AWAY. HARRY SHUTS THE DOOR AND TURNS TO EMMA WHO HAS APPROACHED

EMMA:
Was that Dave?

HARRY:
Yeah you just missed him. Shame, I think he wanted a chat

EMMA:
I can’t believe you’ve managed to get yourself on first name terms with a mute postman

HARRY:
Emma! Don’t be nasty about little Dave

EMMA:
What? He is mute isn’t he?

HARRY:
No! He just likes to . . . not talk

HARRY OPENS THE ENVELOPE

HARRY:
Ah wow look at this. It’s an invitation to the opening of Monotone tonight

EMMA:
Monotone?

HARRY:
Monotone, the new club that’s opening, you know the one, it’s where Liquid used to be, on the road where it always smells of wee

EMMA:
Oh yeah, wee street, I know. Why did Dave ring the doorbell if he’s only got a letter to give us? He could have posted that

HARRY:
Oh Dave always rings the bell, sometimes even if there’s no mail. You’re normally in work though by the time he comes

EMMA:
Why does he do that?

HARRY:
I dunno, I think he likes to catch up on things, we’re getting quite friendly now

EMMA LAUGHS

HARRY:
I’m being serious. We really connect actually, he's a laugh

EMMA:
He gives me the creeps, don’t you think he’s a bit strange?

HARRY:
Yeah of course. But there’s nothing wrong with being strange. Look at your dad.

EMMA:
Yeah but at least my dads got the ability to express emotion and he doesn’t just stare blankly at people like he's doped up on valium or something

HARRY:
Its called being cool! He doesnt want to go around acting all happy and cheerful. Who wants their postie to be like that? And Dave doesn’t mean to be rude. He’s just one of life’s eccentrics. Once you get to know the real Dave he really grows on you

EMMA:
That’s a scary thought. I bet he’s a stalker or something, or a pervert at least

HARRY:
Don’t be ridiculous, he’s a postman, all postmen are friendly, especially Dave. He’s Dave the friendly postman

CUT TO:

WE SEE DAVE THE POSTMAN SITTING IN HIS VAN WITH HEADPHONES ON AND AN EVIL SMILE LISTENING IN ON HARRY AND EMMA'S CONVERSATION AND WITH A WALL OF PHOTOS OF EMMA BEHIND HIM.

END SCENE

Very good. Intriguing and easy to visualise. And not too long!

Personally I prefer to view smaller chunks than the whole thing.

Thanks David. I'm purposely just putting it on a scene at a time and every couple of weeks because i know it can be a bit boring to have to read through loads of stuff.

Just to let you know, the first scene from this is on the 2nd page of the critique forum, and in that thread i've explained what the characters are like and given a brief synopsis.

Seems to have potential, you got anymore ?.

Not to be the pooper of this party, but I don't find it interesting or funny. The characters have one voice, really. Though they have differing opinions on Dave, they still speak and react the same. I like the bit at the end about Dave listening in on their conversation, but I feel like there's too much of the same thing going back and forth. We get it, Emma thinks Dave is creepy, Harry doesn't. Alright. Move on. No need to wrap that idea round our heads like a plastic bag and suffocate us with it.

I read the first scene and the description that you posted a few weeks back. Same feel for that. It's almost trying too hard to be "quick" and "witty" and "wacky". These characters need depth. Why do we care about them? What do I know about them from the first scene other than they are "the original odd couple"? so far, I see no plot. I just see people making quick comments back and forth to eachother with no result in the end.

However, don't take this as me saying "give up!". I'm just giving you the truth. In the past month, I've met with many producers and writers out here in Hollywood. We've been working the script for my show. I've learned a lot from them. Perhaps it's different in England. Perhaps the shows don't have to be so organized from the very beginning, but from what I've seen of British TV, it's just as well plotted-out as American sitcoms.

Don't just write. Outline the story in depth. Figure it all out. Then go from there.

Keep writing, Matt. You'll find your knitch.

Luke is right. A lot of the stuff on here meanders along without having any kind of structure. You need to break everything down so you know what you want from every scene. I suppose that's why much of it is rejected. Hey, I've done it myself!

A note really on the direction where it says 'looks at him for five seconds'. Just put 'looks at him, beat/pause or long beat/pause'. It's a bit sharper. I thought it was quite engaging though and a good start point. Does need work though and laughs.

Thanks for the advice Luke, I really appreciate your comments. I think what you should take into consideration is that what you have read is two short scenes and you really cant judge a sitcom on that. I purposely dont want to put more than a scene at a time on here because I know that too much can put some people off reading it.

I dont really understand why it bothers you so much that Emma finds Dave creepy and Harry doesnt- to me its just a nice little touch, but i'm not saying its genius comedy writing. And I dont think the characters have one voice at all, and i'm sure most people would agree with me on that. And to say that I'm trying too hard to be "quick" and "witty"- surely thats what a good sitcom should be?

I think you'll be able to judge it better once you've read a whole episode, or at least a few scenes- if I'm brave enough to put anymore on here that is!

No worries, Matt. I simply want to help. However, the excuse that I've only read two scenes isn't an excuse to television producers. Believe me. I've learned the hard, self-loathing way. A sitcom, when being pitched, it judged on the FIRST line. This is of course in the case of the pilot. Once you've explained it all in a pilot, following episodes can be more open. However, since this is your pilot script, we need to know everything about these people just by their descriptions. It's very hard to do, which is why the pilot script is always the hardest to write. Believe me, the reason it's been turned down is exactly that. Expand a bit more and let us know who they are within the first few lines and it'll be a much bigger success.

The fact that Emma and Harry disagree on Dave doesn't bother me. It's the fact that we linger on it for so long and basically say the same thing back and forth. It needs to go somewhere or end quicker. Again, love the ending with Dave actually being the "creepy guy" Emma suspects, but do that sooner...or allow the scene to have some character build with other stories thrown in. It's just too much of the same thing for too long.

Of course being quick and witty is what a sitcom should be, but when the reader feels like it's being forced, then it's too much. The problem is that it is TRYING. It isn't quick or witty. It's just attempting to be. Which makes it less quick and/or witty.

I'd love to read a whole episode. However, think of the pilot as all the interesting points of a show rolled into one. There can be no down-time in a pilot. Keep it going!!

At last! Someone who speaks sense.

You're spot on though, Luke. I know a lot of the contributors on here are just starting out and I wrote the same way to begin with, but you have got to get in and out of a scene once you have got your point across and moved it forward. Which means planning everything in advance.

I think most people on here know all about planning and writing plots before dialogue, but that doesnt mean we all have to write in exactly the same style.

Just imagine if Caroline Aherne had put a scene from the Royle Family on here before it became big- you'd all be slagging that off too. I know you're not having a go at me personally and i do take your advice on board but its all stuff i know- i've read all the books and watched more sitcoms than have been made. I dont think every sitcom has to follow the same pattern, but i do understand the importance of plotting, even if i then chose to write a different way.

And Luke, i think maybe you should stick to Amercian forums, because the comedy we produce in Britain and the way we produce it is so different to over there, and perhaps your advice isnt that relevant to us because we're not writing for the same market.

Quote: Matt23uk @ July 17, 2007, 9:27 AM

I think most people on here know all about planning and writing plots before dialogue, but that doesnt mean we all have to write in exactly the same style.

Just imagine if Caroline Aherne had put a scene from the Royle Family on here before it became big- you'd all be slagging that off too. I know you're not having a go at me personally and i do take your advice on board but its all stuff i know- i've read all the books and watched more sitcoms than have been made. I dont think every sitcom has to follow the same pattern, but i do understand the importance of plotting, even if i then chose to write a different way.

View original

You aren't taking criticism very well. These two have offered you some honest feedback and you've pulled the old 'you just don't understand it' trick. It's a pretty weak defense and if you carry on with it you will never get any better.
Nobody is saying that we all have to write in the same style, but what you've posted isn't some new daring 'out there' piece. It's fairly standard fare.
And if whatsherface had posted a scene from The Royal Family I imagine it will have gone down quite well. What with it being a gentle, subtle kind of humour. Your work doesn't compare at all as hers is more of a character study, yours is not
Sometimes people just straight up don't like your work and it isn't always because they don't 'get' it.

And Luke, i think maybe you should stick to Amercian forums, because the comedy we produce in Britain and the way we produce it is so different to over there, and perhaps your advice isnt that relevant to us because we're not writing for the same market.

Funny is funny no mater what side of the Atlantic you're on. I have to say I think this is pretty out of order. He spends time commenting on your work and you COMPLETELY dismiss him. Not on. Really, really weak sauce buddy.

Quote: Matt23uk @ July 17, 2007, 9:27 AM

And Luke, i think maybe you should stick to Amercian forums, because the comedy we produce in Britain and the way we produce it is so different to over there, and perhaps your advice isnt that relevant to us because we're not writing for the same market.

View original

So you just basically put down all British comedy.

Good job defending your place, my friend.

You posted this to be critiqued, which I have done. I have given you a lot of pointers. Also, it's not even like I have no idea what I'm talking about. If anyone, I do. Not to say I'm all-knowing, but I have met with producers - I have talked to fellow writers - I have had interest shown in my latest pilot. BUT surely you don't have to listen to me. Go on and continue writing in the same unoriginal, unfunny, uninteresting, dreck and defend it to the grave.

Matt, realize that it's not good. Just accept it. Other ideas will come along and you will write something better, that is if you can get over your incredible ego.

Okay, okay. Matt just except Luke's criticism and Luke except Matt's criticism of your criticism

fair enough though... he did put the work up here to get constructive criticism,
not get his cock sucked.
the pointers given were all perfectly valid and should be considered.