BSG Sketch Comp 18.12-3.1.9

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... COOL MIKADO for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Cool Mikado
2 - 5 - Tom G
1 - 1 - Otterfox, Garyd, amillionpounds, Leevil, John Kelly

Your new subject: CELEBRATE.
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3 Jan!!!!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
75 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
62 - Otterfox
60 - Baumski
54 - Michael Monkhouse
50 - Timbo
47 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Leevil
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Mikey J
16 - Swerytd
15 - Cool Mikado
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Tom G
11 - Steven
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT.WINNERS PODIUM.DAY

A GOLFER IS BEING PRESENTED WITH A WINNERS CUP BY A DELIGHTED LOOKING OFFICIAL. AFTER SHAKING HANDS, THE GOLFER TAKES THE CUP, KISSES IT AND HOLDS IT ALOFT AS CAMERA'S GO OFF AND THE CROWD APPLAUDS. THE GOLFER LOWERS THE CUP AND KISSES IT AGAIN, THEN STARTS TO RAISE IT ONCE MORE BUT STOPS; INSTEAD HE BEGINS TO KISS THE CUP OVER AND OVER AGAIN, EACH TIME MORE LOVINGLY. THE CONFUSED LOOKING GROUP OF WELL WISHERS SLOWLY FALLS SILENT EXCEPT FOR ONE FAN WHO IS STANDING LOOKING ON INTENTLY

EXCITED FAN
Yeah…yeah kiss it harder…yeah…go on…mmmm...

THE EXCITED FAN TAKES A PHOTO ON A CHEAP LOOKING CAMERA AND CONTINUES CALLING OUT

EXCITED FAN
That's nice…she likes that...yeah...yeah… oh you dirty bitch!

EXT. FRONT STEP - NIGHT

3 men approach the door. The first man is dressed as a massive cock, the second as a tit, and the third as Boris Johnson. The massive cock knocks on the door. A man dressed as George Bush answers it. We hear the usual party sounds from inside the house.

BUSH
(Sounds puzzled)
Hey guys. What's going on?

COCK
We're here for Lewis' birthday party

BUSH
Why are you dressed like that then?

COCK
Because the theme is politicians yeah?

BUSH
Exactly. Who are you supposed to be?

COCK
(Sigh)
I'm Gordon Brown. (Points to tit) He's Alistar Darling

Tit waves at Bush.

COCK
(Pointing to Boris)
And he's Boris Johnson

BUSH
Well I knew he was Boris, but why isn't he dressed like you two?

A car smashes into a parked car behind them on the road.

COCK
(Shouting angrily at driver of car)
That's my car you Boris Johnson!

And the winner is?.... I'm just going out, read that,made me laugh out loud.

INT. DAY. HOME.

XMAS DAY. A MAN IS BACK HOME FROM TRAVELLING AND IS SHOWING PHOTOS TO HIS MUM.

MAN:
And here's the Golden Gate Bridge.

CLOSE UP OF PICTURE OF MAN OPENING CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE BESIDE THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.

MUM:
This one's Sydney Opera House, isn't it?

MAN:
It is indeed mum.

CLOSE UP OF PICTURE OF MAN OUTSIDE SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE LETTING OFF A PARTY POPPER.

THE MAN'S BROTHER ENTERS THE ROOM.

BROTHER:
Shit bruv, I haven't seen you in years. What are you working at these days?

MAN:
Well, I celebrate here, celebrate there.

Kid says, 'Dad do you think I'll be remembered after I die? Will I be celebrated for what I've done in my life?'
Dad says, 'I don't know Onan.'

INT. CARD SHOP. DAY.

DOOR RINGS AS A MAN WALKS IN.

SHOPKEEPER
Morning!

MAN
Hi there mate, how's it going?

SHOPKEEPER
Good, good. What can I do for you?

MAN
Well, my best friend's girlfriend is pregnant, so I needed a card to give to them, you know. They're having a baby shower to celebrate in a couple of days.

SHOPKEEPER
Ah, no problem. How about (holds up card) "Congratulations, you're expecting"?

MAN
Yeah, that's what I first thought, but I'm not sure if it's such a good thing. They weren't trying to have a child.

SHOPKEEPER
Ah right, no problem. How about (holds up another card) "What a surprise, congratulations on your good luck"?

MAN
Hmmm, maybe. Although I'm not sure they really wanted this to happen at this stage in their lives.

SHOPKEEPER
Ah, now I see what you mean. This one will be right (holds up card) "Condolences on your unwanted pregnancy"

MAN
No, no, it's not that they don't want it, just that they're not sure if they're quite ready for it right now.

SHOPKEEPER
Now we're talking the same language. I have the perfect card. (holds up card) "Hope you sort out your emotional ambiguity and commitment issues soon"

MAN
Ooh, that's better. Don't suppose you have anything that says "I hope you do what's right, and I'll be here to support you as friend"?

SHOPKEEPER (digs deep behind desk)
Ah, here's one you might like. (holds up card) "Tom, I was happy to hear about your girlfriend being pregnant, but I understand that it may not be the best thing for your relationship right now, so I hope you talk through your problems as a couple and come to a solution that you're both comfortable with, so you can move on past this slight blip in your life with confidence. See you down the pub later."

MAN
Ah, that's what I was looking for. Perfect.

HIS PHONE RINGS

Ah, hang on a minute mate.

HE ANSWERS THE PHONE

MAN (on phone)
Hello? Tom, how's it going mate? Really? Oh really? So she's definitely not pregnant then? OK. No problem. See you later mate. Yep. Bye.

HE HANGS UP.

MAN (to SHOPKEEPER)
Turns out I don't need that one any more. Sorry to waste your time. I'll just have this one instead (reaches behind him and grabs a card off the shelf, and hands it to the shopkeeper)

SHOPKEEPER
Ah, now this one is a popular choice. "Heard about your false positive pregnancy test, it's probably for the best as I didn't think you two were really ready for a child, and to be honest she's probably not right for you."

MAN
Perfect. Thanks mate.

MAN BEGINS TO WALK OUT

MAN
Oh, quickly before I go, you don't have anything that says "Sorry you're infertile", do you?

EXT. LOCAL FOOTBALL PITCH. DAY.

IT IS AN AMATUER FOOTBALL MATCH AND THE STRIKER IS IN THE PENALTY AREA SURROUNDED BY OPPOSITION DEFENDERS. THE BALL COMES TO HIM AND HE SHOOTS PAST THE GOALKEEPER AND INTO THE GOAL. THE STRIKER RUNS OFF CELEBRATING WILDLY, DODGING HIS TEAMMATES AS THEY JOYFULLY TRY TO GRAB HOLD OF HIM. HE CONTINUES TO RUN AND DODGE FOR ABOUT 20 SECONDS UNTIL ALL OF HIS TEAMMATES AND HIS MANAGER ARE CHASING HIM. HE THEN RUNS OFF THE PITCH AND OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, STILL CHASED BY HIS TEAMMATES. THE OPPOSING TEAM ARE LEFT ON THE PITCH LOOKING CONFUSED.

EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM. DAY

THE STRIKER RUNS ONTO THE PLATFORM AND BOARDS A WAITING TRAIN, HIS TEAMMATES ARE STILL CHASING HIM AND ALSO BOARD THE TRAIN, THEY ARE ALL STILL CELEBRATING WILDLY.

INT. MOVING TRAIN. DAY.

THE WHOLE TEAM ARE NOW TOGETHER ON THE TRAIN, ALL MOBBING THE STRIKER AND CHEERING. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER PASSENGERS SITTING IN THE CARRIAGE STARING AT THE TEAM. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE CELEBRATIONS START TO DIE DOWN AND THE PLAYERS BEGIN REALISE WHERE THEY ARE. A VOICE COMES THROUGH THE TANOY.

ANNOUNCER.
The next stop on this service will be Basingstoke.

STRIKER (Sounding disappointed)
Oh, Basingstoke.

INT. HOUSE MORNING AFTER A PARTY. ONE MAN IS SPRAWLED OUT OVER THE FLOOR, COVERED IN PARTY POPPERS. ANOTHER MAN IS STAGGERING AROUND PULLING THE STRING ON A TAMPON, STILL COMPLTELY PLASTERED. HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKS IN WONDERING WHATS GOING ON.

GF
Hey, are you feeling alright?

M
Perfectly fine, never better. I just can't get this damn party popper to go off!

GF
Party popper? That's an... erm...

M
See, Joanna gave me her last one before she went to bed last night, to let me ring in new year as she was feeling a bit stressed and out of it.

GF
Yes, but that's not a-

A LOUD BANG FOLLOWED BY HIGH PITCH SCREAMS IS HEARD COMING FROM UPSTAIRS. BOTH MAN AND GIRLFRIEND STARE AT TAMPON, LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND CRINGE.

M (realising what the mix up was)
...I supposse the streamers ought to soak most of it up.

THE WINNER

TWO MEN INDEPENDENTLY WALK INTO A MEN'S PUBLIC TOLIET AT THE SAME TIME. BOTH GO UP TO SEPARATE URINALS AND START TO URINATE.

F/X

Sound of men urinating

BOTH MEN CONTINUE TO URINATE UNTIL MAN 1 FINISHES AND DOES UP HIS FLIES.

MAN 1 (Looking and pointing at Man 2, starts celebrating)

Yessss!! Beat ya! In yer face!

MAN 1 THEN PUTS HIS RIGHT HAND TO HIS FOREHEAD AND CREATES THE 'LOSER' SIGN WITH HIS THUMB AND FORE FINGER.

MAN1

Loooooserrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

MAN 1 LEAVES THE PUBLIC TOILET

Great stuff! This comp's open till midnight 3.1, then I'd like yer votes till midnight 8.1! Enjoy the festive season!

PARTY MUSIC IS HEARD IN AN EMPTY HALL. THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE EMPTY ROOM.

THERE IS A FUL BUFFET TABLE, A CLOWN SITS ALONE AND LETS OFF A PARTY POPPER, A DJ ON THE STAGE IS PLAYING MUSIC.

THE CAMERA PULLS BACK OUT OF THE HALL WHERE A SIGN READS...

"Agraphobics Anonymous Christmas Party"

The Cool Mikado

Some good ones especially Chris and amillionpounds but I'll plump for SOCRATES.

I'm plumping for andrewlynch88. I like the word plumping.