Is there a particular witty remark that you've made, or heard, that has always stuck in your memory? For me, it has to be one time, when I was 13/14, and a teacher came into our classroom, and asked if anyone had seen a new boy called Stephen Fiddler, and I said: "He's on the roof". ZIIIIIIIIING!!!!
"Oh but can you do this" from Real Genius. I love that scene where Val spins into dance when he does not win the contest.
I do that to people all the time.
I remember Elliot told me, and he'll kill me for stealing his story, they have a teacher called Mr. Vidler, who is aaaalways on the roof. They constantly make the joke, and it always makes me laugh. Seee, I stole the story, but it proves I listen, and that you're kiiiind of funny. 
The only ones I can think of are two things that I said, and my dad always tries to steal. I needed a headline for a news story school project, and my particular idea was about a dog on the pitch. My headline(all self-made, honestly!) was "Dog on Pitch, They Think it's All Rover".
The other story was about Andy's hair being greasy, and him hitting mum for trying to wash it when he was small. I always used to call him a "Well'ard Mallard" because it was like water off a duck's back.
Robyn is very clever wiv 'er wurds.
In an English lesson when I was about, say, 15 (i.e. a gobby shit) our teacher told us how she'd set a lower year class the task of writing a short story about a chase. That's all she gave them - 'a chase' - and they could write about it in any way the liked.
I said 'Can you write about Chevy Chase?'
God, I was a young twat. I still am - well, an old twat.
Teacher: 'He was a small Russian man.'
Me: 'How did you know he was small?'
Teacher: 'I've seen a picture of him'.
Me: 'How do you know he wasn't just very far away when the photo was taken?'
I'm sure that's technically a Ted lift . . .
School was like a chance to give loads of ear-ache to the teachers. I thought I was Frank Skinner or someone. The amount of self-loathing that went on was probably quite high.
What was your teacher's response (re: chase)?
Quote: Aaron @ December 28 2008, 7:53 PM GMTWhat was your teacher's response (re: chase)?
I don't think she got it and just shouted something rubbish like 'Will you be quiet!!'.
Still, two A's in GCSE and aspirations to be a writer - if 'This Is Your Life' was still on they'd probably wheel her out to talk about me.
'And I remembered a lovely comedy line he came out with about the actor Chevy Chase - and it was from then that I knew he's be a global star'.
I love a shitty one liner me - at my work recently a couple of Irish guys were setting up some kit. Our event manager asked me and my colleague if they knew what they were doing.
Colleague: Yeah, it's an Irish guy. He's fully au fait with it.
Me: Fully O'Fay? Was that his name?
Budum-tish.
Quote: Seefacts @ December 28 2008, 7:57 PM GMTStill, two A's in GCSE
No apostrophe! >_<
Quote: Aaron @ December 28 2008, 8:37 PM GMTNo apostrophe! >_<
Ahhhhhh - zinged!!
Anyway, you're the only A round here.
A for Aaron obviously.
I've just remembered another one from my school days. When I was in my last year of Primary school, this younger kid came up to me, on the playground, and asked me if I'd seen his grey tennis ball, but, as his actual words were, "Have you seen a grey tennisy?" I replied: "No, but I've heard it's nice this time of year".
I remember a school one too I was about 14, it was our German Teachers first day he was called Mr Heir Legg I think and he got to class 10 minute late, fair enough, he went onto appologise.
To which I said, "Yeah, I bet you had to leg it! To class"
I got a half hour detention - Worst thing is I never learned my lesson.
We had a really bolshy tartar of a barmaid in my pub and by the bar was an old ships bell. One day, as I was sitting in my usual corner quietly doing my crossword, another customer asked me to ring the bell to summon service from the other bar. The barmaid came in glaring furiously and asked me had I rung the bell, I pointed to the other customer.
ME:
He asked me to.
MORE FURIOUS GLARING
BARMAID:
And if I asked you to stick your head in an oven would you!
ME:
(CONSIDERS) If I was married to you I probably would.
Quote: Marc P @ December 29 2008, 11:32 AM GMTWe had a really bolshy tartar of a barmaid in my pub and by the bar was an old ships bell. One day, as I was sitting in my usual corner quietly doing my crossword, another customer asked me to ring the bell to summon service from the other bar. The barmaid came in glaring furiously and asked me had I rung the bell, I pointed to the other customer.
ME:
He asked me to.MORE FURIOUS GLARING
BARMAID:
And if I asked you to stick your head in an oven would you!ME:
(CONSIDERS) If I was married to you I probably would.
Hell that made me laugh.
I'm just wondering why the other customer couldn't do it himself?
Quote: Aaron @ December 29 2008, 1:05 PM GMTI'm just wondering why the other customer couldn't do it himself?
Quite a busy bar Aaron, and the bell was above me in the corner so he coudn;t reach. Or he knew her lol.