Couple more sketches

INT. NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT.

A GUY PUTS HIS ARM ROUND A GIRL AND SMILES AT HER. THEY WALK TOWARDS THE CLUB EXIT.
GUY: I’m just going to get my stuff from the cloakroom. I hope it has stopped raining outside.
GIRL: Yeah I know, I almost didn’t come out tonight because of the crap weather.
GUY: Well I’m glad you did.
THE GUY GIVES THE GIRL A KISS THEN WALKS OVER TO THE CLOAKROOM. A FRIEND COMES RUNNING UP TO THE GIRL AND TAPS HER.
FRIEND: Sooo?
GIRL: (LAUGHS) So what?
FRIEND: He is well cute.
GIRL: I know. I can’t believe I managed to pull him.
FRIEND: You always pull fit guys.
GIRL: No I don’t.
FRIEND: Yes you do. Anyway, is he a good kisser?
GIRL: Fantastic. His lips were so soft; I just wanted to kiss him all night. (CLOSES HER EYES)
FRIEND: It looked like you were from where I was standing.
GIRL: (GIGGLES) I hope he texts me.
FRIEND: He will, you could tell he was into you.
GIRL: Really?
FRIEND: Yep, a woman’s instinct. (SHE SMILES AT THE GIRL)
SUDDENLY THE GUY COMES TOWARDS THEM. HE IS WEARING ALL IN ONE YELLOW WATER PROOFS WITH THE HOOD UP, GOGGLES AND FLIPPERS. HE IS ALSO CARRYING A SNAZZY SURFBOARD. THE GIRL AND FRIEND LOOK SHOCKED.
GUY: Ready to go ladies? Thought I’d come prepared in case it is still a bit drizzly.

END

INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY.

A WOMAN GOES TO THE COUNTER CARRYING A PACK OF PINEAPPLE CHUNKS. AN OLD LADY IS SERVING.
OLD LADY: Hello.
WOMAN: Hello there. (SMILES AND HOLDS UP THE PINEAPPLE CHUNKS) I’ll have that pineapple chunk there please. (POINTS TO ONE OF THE CHUNKS)
OLD LADY: I’m sorry, we don’t sell them individually.
WOMAN: Why not? (LOOKS STARTLED)
OLD LADY: I don’t know, they are sold as a pack. Do you still want them?
WOMAN: I’m not sure really, it is a bit of a pain that you can’t just buy 1 chunk. You can see how supermarkets make their money can’t you?
OLD LADY: Yeah, I guess…so would you like to buy them?
WOMAN: How about I give you half the price of the box just for 1 chunk? Can’t beat an offer like that can you?
OLD LADY: I’m sorry but I can only sell them as they are.
WOMAN: But that is just daft, you would be making a profit from me. Plus it gives other people the choice of buying 1 chunk at a time with the packet being open.
OLD LADY: I don’t own this shop so I can’t make that decision, I’m very sorry.
WOMAN: Ok ok, I get the hint…I’ll pay full price for 1 chunk. (STARTS TO GET HER PURSE OUT)
OLD LADY: (SIGHS) I’ve told you already madam, I can’t sell the pineapples individually.
WOMAN: How about I throw in my boots as well. (PUTS HER PURSE AWAY THEN TAKES ONE OF HER BOOTS OFF AND PUTS IT ON THE COUNTER) As you can see it is quality genuine leather. Come on now, you know you want to do business with me.
OLD LADY: No. (SHAKES HER HEAD) I’m sorry but if you carry on like this I will have to call security.
WOMAN: Well that is a bit harsh, I’m not a fruitcake! (PUTS HER BOOT BACK ON) You win; I’ll withdraw all my generous offers. Out of interest do you sell anything else individually? An ear bud? A cornflake? A baked bean?
OLD LADY: No we don’t. (LOOKS ANNOYED)
WOMAN: I thought so. (SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISGUST) What has this world come to? Scan the chunks then, I’ll have them all.
THE OLD LADY SCANS THE PINEAPPLES AND HANDS THEM TO THE WOMAN. THE WOMAN PAYS THEN OPENS THE PACK UP, SHE GETS THE 1 CHUNK THAT SHE WANTED OUT AND PUTS IT INTO HER MOUTH. AFTER THAT SHE TURNS ROUNDS AND WALKS OUT. JUST BEFORE SHE GETS TO THE DOOR SHE KICKS THE REMAINING PINEAPPLE CHUNKS AT SOME SHELVES.
WOMAN: Missed out there didn’t you, bet you can’t kick like that with your boots. (LOOKS SMUG) Goodbye.

END

PS. Thanks for editing the format of my last sketch socknose, what did you mean by action instead of the brackets though? Cheers.

Like the first sketch.

Again, apologies for being downcast, but I didn't find the sketches funny at all. There is no bite to the first script. It's just plain writing and then a huge exaggeration at the end which doesn't work IMO.

On the second, I think you need to look at the dialogue and the situation. Again, it seems very amateurish and the dialogue is wooden. Needs more bite to it.

Quote: Martin Bickle @ July 5, 2007, 7:55 PM

PS. Thanks for editing the format of my last sketch socknose, what did you mean by action instead of the brackets though? Cheers.

View original

Don't mention it. And it's like this.

INT. WHEREVER - DAY
THIS IS ACTION. IT SHOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE SCENE AND WHAT THE CHARACTERS ARE DOING. FOR EXAMPLE, JIM IS GOING TO THE BALL. HE IS GETTING READY

JIM
Now where did I put that coat?

JIM PICKS UP A COAT.

JIM (CON'TD) THIS ISN'T ALWAYS NEEDED, BUT IT SHOWS THAT IT IS STILL THE SAME CHARACTER SPEAKING, BUT ACTION HAS BROKEN UP THE DIALOGUE
Ah. Here it is.

PARENTHESIS, CAN BE USED ONE OF TWO WAYS

JIM
(SHOUTING)
GODDAMN YOU COAT! WHY DID YOU HIDE?

TO EMPHASIZE THE WAY THE LINE IS DELIVERED AND INDICATE SPECIAL EFFECTS. MIND YOU DON'T GO TOO FAR WITH THIS AS IT IS THE DIRECTOR'S AND ACTOR'S JOB TO WORK OUT HOW THE CHARACTER SHOULD BE ACTING AT THAT POINT.

ANOTHER WAY TO USE PARENTHESIS IS TO INDICATE PAUSES IN SPEECH.

JIM
I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU COAT. (PAUSE)
OH MY. YOU'RE SO SOFT. (PAUSE) SO VERY,
VERY SOFT.

YOU WERE KINDA USING THEM THIS WAY, BUT THE STUFF THE CHARACTERS WERE DOING WAS DEFINATELY ACTION BASED. QUICK EXAMPLE.

GUY: Nope. Done pretty well for myself ain’t I? Come on, let’s take a look. (HE TRIES TO WAVE THE GIRL OVER TO THE WENDY HOUSE BUT SHE STORMS OFF DOWN THE STREET) Another one who feels intimidated by my high standard of living, oh well.

THAT WOULD BE ACTION, AS IT'S SOMETHING THE CHARACTER IS DOING. PARENTHESIS USE TO BREAK UP DIALOGUE SHOULD ONLY BE A COUPLE OF WORDS LoNG AT MOST AND NOT BE STUFF LIKE (HE SMILES) OR (HE WINKS) RATHER (GASPS FOR BREATH) OR (MUMMERS). EVEN THEN THEY SHOULD BE USED SPARINGLY

READ THIS IDEAL SCRIPT. IT GIVES A GOOD IDEA OF HOW TO FORMAT A SCRIPT FOR BRITISH TV. http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/downloads/scripts/ideal.pdf
OH AND CHECK YOUR PRIVATE MESSAGES HERE

FADE OUT.

Oh, and reading your sketches at the top, you really need to give your dialogue some polish. Firstly, read it aloud and ask yourself if your characters are speaking in a natural, believable way. And secondly, try to differentiate your characters as at the moment, they all sound exactly the same. The guy in the first sketch for instance, sounds IDENTICAL to the character in the first one you posted.
Don't be discouraged though. You pick it up as you go and once you get into the flow of things you're away

Chill out dave, don't have a cow! Cheers for the comments anyway and thanks for the advice socknose, it is very helpful

I liked the idea of the second one, but the first wasn't as good imo.

I too liked the 1st one more.
Is he going diving & surfing in a rudey way, or am i just filthy minded?

You're just filthy minded.

Did anyone need to answer that?

First one was OK. Second one needs some editing.

Finaly a true genius in comedy, its about time we see someone like you enter the comedy scene, its the kind of thing the BBC needs more of. Good work Martin! Or can i call you Marty? as in Marty Mcfly?

Frankly Dave I don't find your humour atall entertaining. You need to take a leaf out of Martys book, although credit has to be given to socknose, perhaps the 2 of u should write a sitcom together then it would be the true genius and entertainment we're all loooking for!

Too many bloody Daves on here.

I read through these when they first appeared last week but couldn't really decide what I thought of them. Just read through again ... yes I quite like both of them ... the second has more going on and is quite visual, the first less so on both counts. I don't think they're enormously funny but they are 'interesting' in a strange way and hold one's attention. I'll see what I think when I've read more of your stuff.

They're nice ideas, Martin but imagine you're watching a sketch show with lots of sketches on and 500 other channels to switch to if you get bored. Yours need much more to raise a smile IMO.