Mature - The rewrite

I've re-written "Mature", the first episode of my currently untilted sitcom. The beginings rather similar to the last one, but it changes after a bit. It's here: http://pc.celtx.com/project/9pToX0TVpq0P/view/http://celtx.com/res/guDeDGbzrNA9

Original if you want to compare:

http://pc.celtx.com/project/PcnDvr8BJAVi/view/http://celtx.com/res/voHIWvYIaAS1

Let us know what ya think.

Hello Earman,

I've got some constructive criticism, if you want it.

The "This isn't the first time you've embarrassed me" bit just makes me think of Family Guy, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, HOWEVER, this particular technique has been used so much in Family Guy that it's -dareIsay- a little tired now. There's 2 episodes of South Park devoted to taking the phish out of it.

Maybe being pedantic but to me 'phish' reads 'fish', and I'd change it to 'pish'.

And finally, this bit:

DAVID:

I'm not surprised. Twenty-Five pints is enough to kill most people. Count yourself lucky you're kind of walking.

I personally think this would be better

David:

I'm not surprised! Twenty five pints is enough to kill most people(/mammals?). Count yourself lucky that you're walking.

[David looks at Kevin staggering down the street]

David:
Kind of.

I may have more advice for you, as I've only gone through the first couple of pages, and I hope this has been helpful, or something.

Thanks Sam. All comments are useful.

Quote: Sam Caine @ July 9, 2007, 5:08 PM

Maybe being pedantic but to me 'phish' reads 'fish', and I'd change it to 'pish'.

View original

That actually was meant to say pish. I've obviously miss spelt it.