THIS IS DEFINITLEY THE WEIRDEST THING I HAVE WRITTEN. BUT THE IDEA OF THE SKETCH MADE ME LAUGH, SO I DECIDED TO POST IT UP AND LET THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE BSG DECIDE IF IT WORKS OR NOT. CHEERS IN ADVANCE.
A MAN (CLIVE) IS ON STAGE.
Clive: I'd like to announce the sad passing away of Derek. Like all of us, he was a struggling alcoholic and fought to the very end, well he had to, he was a boxer. His family are adamant that although he was drinking at the time of his death, it wasn't actually the drink that killed him, it was the car he was driving. Nevertheless, I think we'd all like to pass on our condolences to Derek's family and I've sent a card on behalf of the North Riding AA organisation.
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE GOES AROUND THE ROOM.
Clive (cont'd): Nice bloke he was, a really nice bloke. (PAUSE) Today, we have a recovering alcoholic who would like to say a few words. So give a warm welcome to a Mr Jesus Christ.
ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE GOES AROUND THE ROOM. A MAN WITH LONG HAIR AND SANDALS TAKES TO THE STAGE.
JC: Before I start I'd like to pass on my deepest sympathy to Derek's family. I'd also like to say he was in a better place, but I'd be lying. You want to see Heaven now, it's getting worse, last week I had James Brown shit on my door step, had to get the Police out, Sting wasn't happy. But enough of that, I'm hear to talk about the addiction of alcohol that affects millions. Even I, the chosen one, still…
Man: Excuse me? But are you Jesus Christ?
JC: Yes.
Man: THE Jesus Christ?
JC: Yes.
Man: The one on the cross?
JC: Yes. I've got the scars to prove it.
JC LIFTS UP HIS SLEEVES. THE CROWD GHASPS.
Man: Bleeding Nora! Were you in the film as well?
JC: Film?
Man: Yeah. You know, the one with Robert Powell in?
JC: No I wasn't in it. Anyway, if I could move on. I'd just…
Man: How about The Passion of Christ?
JC: No I was not in The Passion of Christ! For heavens sake!
Man: You can get away with that I presume?
JC: Which!? What can I get away with?
Man: Blasphemy? I mean you can't be punished for making jokes and statements about yourself can you? Jo Brand would be f**ked.
JC: I was not being blasphemous! It's just an expression I use to…
Man: What about murder? Say, there was another Jesus film, and say Russell Brand was given your part to play, would you kill him? Could you kill him?
JC: This is ridiculous! I'm not killing anyone. I just want to talk about my recovering dependency on alcohol and the affect it's had on my temper.
Man: Ok, I'm sorry.
JC: Thank you. Now alcoholism is a serious and…
Man: Kerry Katona? Would you?
JC: Would I what!
Man: Kill her or have sex? Or both? Your Jesus, you can multi-task.
JC: This is stupid. Pass me the Lambrini Peter. We can go to the Devil's, he's having a house party.
JESUS AND PETER WALK OUT THE ROOM.