Dubbya's Mockery (failed WR Royal Tapes entries)

The following are my failed attempts to impress the WritersRoom in the Royal Tapes competition. They're pastes from the Word versions so I expect the formatting has gone to pot here. I was quite pleased with these but … oh well, we live to fight ... etc. Here goes:

Dubbya’s Mockery – Part One

The record of an initial meeting recently held in the Oval Office of the White House, Washington, between the US President Mr George W. Bush (DUBBYA) and Sir David Manning (informally addressed as ‘DAVE’ by the President) who is the British Ambassador.

INT DAYTHE WHITE HOUSE, OVAL OFFICE

F/X INTERCOM BEEP - THE FIRST 6 NOTES OF THE US NATIONAL ANTHEM ( F, D, Bb, D, F, Bb )

DUBBYA:Yeah… what is it?

MALE INTERCOM VOICE:The British Ambassador is here… as you requested Mr President

DUBBYAK… send him in… an’ cancelate all ma calls for the next half hour.

MALE INTERCOM VOICE:Yes Mr President.

F/XSOUND OF DOOR OPENING & CLOSING

AMBASSADOR:Good Morning Mr President… you asked to see me?

DUBBYA:Yeah… thanks for coming Dave… sit yer ass down. Ar need some advicification from you Brit guys… Ar’ve decided to make the US of A into a Mockery.

AMBASSADOR: (Puzzled)A Mockery, Mr President… I’m not sure I quite understand your meaning.

DUBBYA: (Enthusiastically)A Mockery… a Mockery… same as you Brit guys have… Kings an’ Queens an’ Princes an’ Princess-nesses an’ Dooks… you get ma drift? Darn good way to set things up for the kids as Ar see it… how much does all that kinda thing cost? How’s it best to start?

AMBASSADORh, I believe you might be referring to our Monarchy Mr President. Are you sure a Monarchy would be best for your country?

DUBBYA: Mockery… Monkey-ry… same darn thing as I see it. Course it’s best for the country. The Amair-can people are gonna be without good ‘ole Dubbya ‘fore too long, if that crowd o’ lilies in Congress get their way… Ar’m looking for longevity-ness… Ar will be King Dubbya of the US of A… You guys musta started somewhere… how’d you go settin’ about it Dave?

AMBASSADOR:With respect, Mr President, it took many hundreds of years for our Monarchy to develop into what we now see. It was born out of considerable strife, countless battles and conquests… (half to himself) and we weren’t always on the winning side I might add… (normal voice) religious differences and intrigues… difficult times. Of course… today… we consider our Monarchy provides a stabilizing influence… a sense of tradition in our people… but it wasn’t an easy journey.

DUBBYA:Yeah, Ar know all that Dave… but Ar want to get something moving right now. Dammit… we got the biggest and richest-most country in the whole darn world… an’ wer’e better at everythin’ than anyfolks anywheres. Ar shall be King of the US of A.

AMBASSADOR:Uhm… I should perhaps remind you, Mr President, that your country did once have a Monarch, one of ours actually, but the people here at the time weren’t overly impressed.

DUBBYA:Uh… Oh yeah, yeah… Ar remember somethin’ about that… but what did you guys expect? Some darn great superpower whippin’ the ass o’ some little country that’s mindin’ its own business, as we kinda were at the time. King Dubbya’s gonna do it different. Ar had a chat with your Lizzie when she came over … she’s got things stitched up a treat on her side of the pond. Dammit… you got dozens of them royal-ity folk… and most o’ Europe’s got itself organised the same way. It ain’t fair… Ar want some o’ that too… me an’ Laura both… she’s got her sights on a Duchess-dom… an’ all the kids wanna be Prince-lets. Bet you didn’t know Ar’s already related to your Mockery… me an’ that young Bill whats-his-name fella, son o’ your Welsh Charlie Prince… we’s seventeenth cousins ya know… Ar had ma guys in the CIA figure that one out… gets things off to a darn good start.

AMBASSADORResignedly) Oh dear… I thought that might come up. (Normal voice) Well, Mr President, if you are determined on this course of action then I suspect it could somehow be made possible. I will discuss your plan with my people then I suggest we meet again… tomorrow?… at the same time?

DUBBYAure… ain’t got much else on at the moment… Ar’ll look forward to it. Bye Dave.

F/XSOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING AS THE AMBASSADOR LEAVES

DUBBYA: (To himself)Mmmm… bet ma Daddy never thought Ar could make a Mockery o’ the US of A all by ma-self…

Dubbya’s Mockery Part One - The End.

Dubbya’s Mockery – Part Two

The record of a second meeting recently held in the Oval Office of the White House, Washington, between the US President Mr George W. Bush (DUBBYA) and Sir David Manning (informally addressed as ‘DAVE’ by the President) who is the British Ambassador.

INT DAYTHE WHITE HOUSE, OVAL OFFICE

F/X INTERCOM BEEP - THE FIRST 6 NOTES OF THE US NATIONAL ANTHEM ( F, D, Bb, D, F, Bb )

DUBBYA: Yeah… what now?

MALE INTERCOM VOICE:The British Ambassador is here again Mr President.

DUBBYAh… a-course… Dave… send him in…an’ make sure we don’t get any interrupt-in-ations.

MALE INTERCOM VOICE:Yes Mr President.

F/XSOUND OF DOOR OPENING & CLOSING

AMBASSADOR:Hello again, Mr President.

DUBBYA:Hi Dave… sit yer-self down. What you got for me Mockery-wise?

AMBASSADOR:Well, Mr President… I have spoken to several of my colleagues… and particularly with our heraldry people. It appears you should adopt a coat of arms which will guarantee your instant recognition…

DUBBYA: (Interrupts)Hey… all ma coats already got arms…(chuckles) ’cept for the ones Ar wears for whippin’ everybody else at golf. Ar got plenty o’ coats already, what do Ar need another one fur?

AMBASSADOR:Not exactly what I meant Mr President. A coat of arms is an heraldic device… I suppose you could think of it almost as a ‘logo’ or ‘trademark’… normally in the form of a shield… on which would appear various images associated with your (uhm) life.

DUBBYA:Hey… Ar knows what you mean… Ar seen that. Let’s see… (Muses) what kinda stuff lends itself to that kinda imageryness? …

(A beat - the Ambassador writes on a pad as Dubbya continues)

… how about one o’ them big McDonald’s arches… kinda sittin’ a-stride a map ‘o the US of A... then we can put in the Stars an’ Stripes… a coupla baseball bats… a Humvee radiator badge… some apple pie… can o’ Budweiser… Yogi Bear… Sheesh… there ain’t no limit to the possibilities.

AMBASSADOR:Very well Mr President… I think I have all that… I’ll see what my people can come up with. Is there anything else I can assist you with while I am here?

DUBBYA:Well… Ar been kinda wondrin’ whether Ar’m settin’ ma sights high enough with this royality thing. What’d you say, Dave, if Ar was to cut a few corners an’ go for King o’ the World while Ar’m at it? The whole darn shebang. Ya don’t get anywheres by not thinkin’ big. Dubbya King o’ the World… yeah, Ar likes the sound-a that even more … we’se already got more ‘an just a passin’ interest in what’s goin’ on outside the good ol’ US of A… spreadin’ democracy-ness an’ the Amair-can way o’ doin’ things… an’ we got the Low-erd on ar side too… yeah… let’s go fur it!

AMBASSADOR:With the greatest respect, Mr President, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. There are those out there, ungrateful as you may consider them to be, who would not share your enthusiasm for a World Monarchy. They might consider your approach as similar to your country hosting a game such as that you refer to as the ‘World Series’… when, in fact, you don’t actually allow anyone else to play.

DUBBYA:Yeah… but if we was to let a lot of other folks join in we might not win… what would be the point?

AMBASSADOR:Well, Mr President… perhaps that is exactly the point. It should not matter which team actually wins … it’s playing the game that counts…

DUBBYA:Yeah… yeah… Ar’s heard all that before from you Brit guys… sounds pretty darn crazy to me… if Ar’s gonna do this Mockery thing Ar may as well do it right from the start. Ar’s already toned ma thinkin’ down a somewhat… Laura was suggestin’ King o’ the Universe might be still even better. (a beat) Well, Ar’s got things I gotta do… give me a call Dave… when you’se thought on all this… an’ we’ll discusserate it some more.

AMBASSADOR: (Rises to leave) Thank you Mr President… I will indeed be in touch again shortly.

DUBBYA:Yeah… OK Dave… have a nice day.

F/XSOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING AS THE AMBASSADOR LEAVES THE OVAL OFFICE

DUBBYA: (now left to himself)Dam it… why am Ar getting’ the impression those Brits ain’t got no imagination-ness? Now, where’d Ar put ma Superman comics?

Dubbya’s Mockery Part Two - The End.

A RIGHT ROYAL BALLS-UP

by Me

APPLAUSE, CHEERS, SCREAMS.

BEATLES, ‘LOVE ME DO’.

DJV.O.) Yes it’s the sixties and the kids are going wild…

SEX PISTOLS, ‘ANARCHY IN THE UK’.

DJ: (V.O.) The seventies and everyone’s loopy for…

BROS, ‘WHEN WILL I BE FAMOUS’.

DJ. (V.O.) The group ‘Brothers’ and everyone’s going mad – nuclear fallout may

be to blame – now it’s the new millenium and…

PAUSE.

QUEEN:A merry Christmas to one and all…

MORE APPLAUSE, SCREAMING.

QUEEN: (CONT’D) And sorry about Lady Diana.

DJ: Yes the kids are quite literally pissing themselves. They’re crazy, they’re

whacky, they’re costly – they’re THE ROYAL FAMILY!

SCREAM!!!

DJ: So just how do the kids relate to this loony buncha guys?

GIRL: Love ’em.

GUY: Phwoar!

GIRL: Lady Diana died? Jesus…

DJ: Yes kept fairly quiet wasn’t it?… And so did the Queen Mum.

GUYSOBS) She had all her life in front of her…

QUEEN: (OFF) I now declare these pants open.

DJ: I’m here in the studio with fashion guru Mr Kerr…

FRENCH GUYlease – call me Wayne.

DJ:No that’s too obvious. I wanted to ask how you feel about the Queen.

FRENCH GUY: I start with her breasts and then…

DJ:Can we cut that bit out please?

FRENCH GUY:The minute I saw Her Majesty I realised I could present her as a sex symbol

for the new millenium. Guys like her ’cause she’s a mother figure – a mother

you can have sex with without fear of recrimination. Girls like her ’cause they

can relate to her: despite having more money than God and more publicity

than Richard Branson, she’s managed to stay normal – rather like Michael

Jackson. And drug addicts like the royals ’cause they’re cracking up too.

DJ: Are you a complete idiot?

FRENCH GUY: Sorry I don’t understand the question.

QUEEN: (OFF) I now declare this hospital closed… Put your mitts up Thatcher, I’m

after your crown!

FRENCH GUY: It’s not easy to dress the Royals...

DJ:No ask Andrew’s latest.

FRENCH GUY:I’ve worked with all the big fashion victims – Grace Jones, Kate Moss, Bob

Geldof – and she’s a toughie. If it’s a charity bash should it be the gown? If

it’s a gala event should it be the gown? If it’s a night out should it be the

gown? In the end I thought bugger it, I’ll go for the gown and then throw six

billion quid away.

DJ: Isn’t that excessive?

FRENCH GUY: Not really, it’s your money.

QUEEN: (OFF) I now declare this sketch closed. (PAUSE) We are not amused.

END

I loved it Lossa.

Thanks Charley, I was personally happy with it even if the WR weren't! Be interesting to eventually see what the winning entries look like!

I really enjoyed it too Losaavedra.

Thanks Jude ... at least me two favourite lady-writers have taken the trouble to look at it ... and that's very much appreciated!! With hindsight I shouldn't have put the title of mine in the post heading, then the same thread might've collected all the other neglected efforts from people here. No idea if a post subject can be changed once it's been replied to ... probably not ... I can imagine the confusion that might result from being able to do that! Anyway, I'm gradually getting over my own personal rejection (a few glasses of red helps)... and there are lots of other things I'm supposed to be getting on with! Thanks again.

p.s. Please feel free to comment on the above rather wordy response from me (vaguely thanking you ... but then getting rapidly off the point!) ... and only add something after a suitable delay of course (like when this thread starts to roll off the page like most of my others quickly do!). That's what's called a 'proxy bump'. I'm a sly old bugger, as Charley has already figured out!!!

Yes I enjoyed them both Mike. Nice wordplay on Monrachy and a good concept. I particularly liked Dubbya's last line in the first one.

I suppose that my only advice would be to watch the John Culshawisms / Rory Bremnerisms when doing Bush. I know a lot of people do it but it's not that original. Probably the odd one is OK but not too many.

And maybe also some of the speeches are over long so perhaps a trim?

Sorry it didn't do better for you in the comp as I think the idea is sound.

B

I'm sorry Mike. I saw how long it was and to be honest couldn't be arsed to read it. Surely that was longer than the brief said?

Thanks Blenk (& David!). I did time the thing ... it originally came out at 6 mins, but they wanted 'not significantly more than 3 minute' scripts. So I chopped it in half (two meetings) as they also said people could send in up to 2 entries. I think Dubbya tends to rattle stuff out whereas the ambassador would be more measured and precise. Agree about the Culshaw / Bremner thing though, and I never did find out whether or not McGowan has done or can do Dubbya!

I liked it Los. Yeah a bit long - brevity's the soul of wit and all that - but still fun.

Thanks Michael ... Your's was interesting too ... but more 'off the wall' maybe. Really difficult these comps ... especially as you get no feedback at all from those who've actually selected the winners. People who did win had better have submitted something bloody good else I'm going to blow (yet another) gasket ... or maybe even an airport departure lounge! Uhm ... I never actually said that, did I!!!
I do have a problem with 'trimming' ... probably to do with the fact that I used to do a lot of technical writing ... where you never leave anything to chance! So my 'comedy' efforts, these days, always tend to be overwritten ... and then, when I attempt a 'trim', I always seem to end up with more than I started with!!
Anyway, thanks again .. and better luck next time (for both of us!).

Quote: Blenkinsop @ July 8, 2007, 6:23 PM

I suppose that my only advice would be to watch the John Culshawisms / Rory Bremnerisms when doing Bush. I know a lot of people do it but it's not that original. Probably the odd one is OK but not too many.

And maybe also some of the speeches are over long so perhaps a trim?

View original

I pretty much thought the same as this poster did (the two points above) and also that maybe this type of 'Dubyer is thick' theme has lost some of its saleability as it's been done so often before?

On the positive front, it was well written (with the above provisos) and had it been written during the first year of him being made President it would have cut quite a dash!

Mike,

I like it but George came across more like an old hillbilly...That's fine now I think about it!

Sorry Mike - must be the time of the month!

Hard cheese, buddy.
I did that odd snort from breathing improper whilst reading teh second one. No one was around to hear it, mind you.

Heres my failed attempt. Enjoy:

THE THOUGHTLESS CROWN AFFAIR

A COMEDY -BY ALEX MICHAEL

EXT. AT A LONDON BUS STOP - EVENING

F/X - Clunking metal/footsteps

JACK
Evening!

GEORGE
Ev- Evening.

JACK
Nice night!

GEORGE
It is, yes.

F/X - Silence

GEORGE
Is that? Is that a crown on your head?

JACK
Yeah. Nice isn't it?

GEORGE
It's amazing! It looks just like the real imperial state crown!

JACK
That's because it is!

GEORGE
Give over!

JACK
Yup. Just stole it! And that’s not all! You notice anything else about me?

GEORGE
That bulge in your tracksuit bottoms?

JACK
Yup. That’s the royal orb! And my rigid posture? That’s the sceptre tucked down the back of my top! Just stole them all!

GEORGE
You can't just steal the crown jewels! That’s treason!

JACK
I can and I did! Wasn't easy. I won't tell you where the coronation ring is! You want to see it?

GEORGE
No!... Thanks.

JACK
It’s got lots of pointy edges.

GEORGE
Why did you steal them? It belongs to the Queen!

JACK
Aaah she won't notice them gone. It's not like they were under her bed. Besides, I paid around a tenner to get in to see them. I didn't want to leave with just a pencil and a key ring!

GEORGE
The police will be swarming all over here! You will get locked up!

JACK
Naw! They won’t notice for ages! Besides, the Queen won't need them! When was the last time you saw her wearing the crown?

GEORGE
I.. eerrr

JACK
Exactly. Times have changed for her! She wears gloves and carries a handbag. This thing only just fit down my tracksuit, you think it will fit in that little hand bag? She definitely won't want to wear this ring after where I've put it!

GEORGE
Do you have any idea how many people come from all over the world to see those? You've stolen the symbols of our monarchy!

JACK
Won't notice I tell you!

GEORGE
They will! These are important things to any patriot and true Brit!

JACK
Won't! When was the last time you went to see the jewels? Pay the entrance fee? Buy a book? Eh? You ever taken your kids there?

GEORGE
Well no..

JACK
Very patriotic of you. I bet you've taken them to theme parks though!... Besides, Colonel Blood did it and I have access to modern technology!

GEORGE
What modern technology? You're wearing a hoody!

JACK
Yup! Didn't have them in the 17th century!

GEORGE
Amazing! So you just walked out of there with them just like that! Didn’t any of the guards try to stop you?

JACK
Nah! They were all busy feeding the Ravens an-

GEORGE
You mean crows?

JACK
Yeah whatever and besides, I look like him, don't I?

GEORGE
Like who?

JACK
Charlie of course! Look at the ears!

GEORGE
You are telling me that the guards let you walk out of the Tower of London with the crown jewels because you have big ears like Prince Charles? Prince Charles wearing a hoody with a sceptre down his back and a ring up his-

JACK
Like I said, the guards didn't care! This stuff- Just hold that crown for a second it is so heavy and my neck is hurting.

GEORGE
Sure.

JACK
Thanks- This stuff is just not as important as it used to be. Sign of the times, I'm afraid!

GEORGE
Unbelievable!

JACK
I know! The hardest bit was breaking into the cases while that conveyor belt thing was moving up and down around the displays, but you wouldn’t know about that as you have not been to see them Mr Royalist!

GEORGE
Good Lord!

JACK
After that it was a case of just following those fire exit signs and here I am waiting for my bus home!

GEORGE
That’s your getaway? The bus?

JACK
Yeah. Usually on time in this great country, eh?

GEORGE
What will you do when you get them home?

JACK
EBAY.

GEORGE
Of course.

F/X - Bus pulls up

JACK
Right that’s mine. Give us that crown back.

GEORGE
There you go.

JACK
Thanks. Getting on?

GEORGE
No. Not my bus.

F/X - Muttering on the bus.

JACK
Err slightly embarrassing. Do you have two quid? All this rich stuff and no bus fare!

GEORGE
Yeah sure! There you go!

JACK
Top man! Thanks. You got enough?

GEORGE
Oyster card!

JACK
Good. Sensible! Right. So long. Good talking to you!

GEORGE
Likewise. Good luck with the selling!

F/X - Bus pulls away

END