The problem is the classic "SHOP" sitcom has already been done. And you aren't going to get any better combo than Clarke, Barker and Jason.
Feedback greatly appreciated-WebPilot of The Shop Page 3
Quote: bigfella @ December 17 2008, 11:19 AM GMTThe problem is the classic "SHOP" sitcom has already been done. And you aren't going to get any better combo than Clarke, Barker and Jason.
If these legends had acted out this script we all have switched it off in the first two minutes. Basically it just wasn't funny at all.
I'm not saying I could do better, but I wouldn't make mine till I thought it was brilliant!
I'm sorry to say that I agree with almost all the other comments, including major congrats on getting the project to this stage. I've tried to get a self-funded pilot done in the past and it isn't easy.
The main problem is that, regardless of how good you think it COULD have been, when you post something on the net (or broadcast it, or whatever) we can't help but take it as it is and compare it to 'real' broadcast material. And in the case of something as good-looking and professional as this, we are going to be even more scathing than your ultra low budget YouTube tosh.
Look on the bright side, though. I'm taking it that your set still exists? My advice would be to take all of this criticism on board, then go away and really work on that script. Make it the snappiest, funniest thing you've ever read. Work on the characters some more. Get plenty more feedback. If you intend it to be a studio audience sitcom, hire/blag a pub room or theatre space and do it as a play. Hone the material.
Then reshoot it and I'm sure it will be better received.
As for these exterior scenes that you wanted to shoot but couldn't afford it - I'd suggest you rewrite. Take them out if at all possible.
And finally, please don't lose hope. You should be commended for getting this far. We've all been really critical and I doubt it's what you want to hear but we're not doing it cos we're nasty people. True, the shop scenario has been done a million times before and the whole thing smells a little like you're trying too hard to be the British 'Clerks', but the office as a setting had been done a million times before 'The Office'. Keep with it and try to find your own take on it.
Good luck, mate.
Personally, I wouldn't listen too strongly to scenario criticism, the flat-share setup has been done to death and is still occuring. The characters are the key, not that it's set in a shop.
Very true.
Don't diss the environment something is set up in.
The characters and the storylines are what matters - of course an environment can restrict or open up things for your characters to do and also help shape their personalities but it's rather secondary.
Cheers all...
This will get made, and it will be a hit... I'm convinced it can be the new 'two pints'.
Im grateful for the criticism to be honest... altho some of it is a bit blunt.
I think I know what needs to be done... and will do it.
The two pints ref comes from the focus groups we ran.
Out target audience doesn't really remember open all hours tbh... I've only caught re-runs on UK Gold and Clerks is edging on the same lines.
This is the noughties. This is new. and other than it being set in a shop, its totally different.
Hello, I've just watched your web pilot and Im sorry but I have to agree with the majority on here. It is obvious from the quality of the production that a lot of time and effort went into making this and although, in my opinion, it is no where near where it should be, I think it'll prove to be a useful, if not expensive, exercise. I know how much hard work these type of projects take. I produced a 10 minute sketch show earlier this year and it was so much work. It was a collection of some of the first sketches I ever wrote and looking back some of it wasn't great but I have learnt so much from the experience and it hasn't put me off. That said, it took me almost a year to be brave enough to post it on this site (its called 'mini sketch show video' if you fancy a look) for feedback so fair play to you.
Like you, there were some parts I was unable to film due to certain constraints and it is a little soul destroying, but everything needs to work in the long run. The scenes you have filmed don't work too well for a number of reasons. Some aren't particularly funny and some seem to have no relevance to moving the story forward. I agree with those who have said that the relationships between the characters needs to be explored more and the humour, in my opinion, should come from this. I also like the character of the soup man and found him the most believable and funniest.
Having been in a similar position to you, I hope it'll be some comfort to hear that in a few months when you look back at this you will be able to see where the faults are and you seem determined and passionate enough to work on them and I hope it leads to more success next time round. You seem to be keen to find out if it is worth exploring this idea any further and my answer to that would be yes, why not? It's just a case of realising that it may be a little while before you reach a stage where you can look back on it after a few months and still think, yeah, this is good. I sincerely hope you get there though.
Best of luck!
Sarah
Quote: The Shop @ December 17 2008, 10:48 PM GMTIm grateful for the criticism to be honest... altho some of it is a bit blunt.
Out target audience doesn't really remember open all hours tbh... I've only caught re-runs on UK Gold and Clerks is edging on the same lines.
This is the noughties. This is new. and other than it being set in a shop, its totally different.
As long as the feedback isn't nasty, then there's nothing wrong with being blunt. It may be hard on the ego but it will pay dividends because all the comments raised will help you. It hurts at the moment because your hard work is being put in the spotlight and you are righty very attached to it, but once the dust settles you may find that you look at your work with fresh eyes. It's amazing what a month in the draw can reveal.
I'm all in favour of using a setting if it suits the characters and storylines, but do remember that shows like Open All Hours cast long shadows, and even if your target audience do not remember this show you can guarantee that your prospective production company will. However, as others have said, the show is foremost about your characters. Get this right and the rest should hopefully slot into place. (In a perfect just world obviously!)
Best of luck with it.
Def.
Quote: The Shop @ December 17 2008, 10:48 PM GMTThis will get made, and it will be a hit... I'm convinced it can be the new 'two pints'.
And therein lies your problem. Two Pints is not a popular show round these parts.
Everything about what you have done looks very professional, but it's the script that sells not the wrapping paper that covers it, send your script to Marc Blake and work on his feedback he's good.
Quote: The Shop @ December 17 2008, 10:48 PM GMTCheers all...
This will get made, and it will be a hit... I'm convinced it can be the new 'two pints'.
Im grateful for the criticism to be honest... altho some of it is a bit blunt.
I think I know what needs to be done... and will do it.
The two pints ref comes from the focus groups we ran.
Out target audience doesn't really remember open all hours tbh... I've only caught re-runs on UK Gold and Clerks is edging on the same lines.
This is the noughties. This is new. and other than it being set in a shop, its totally different.
I haven't read your script (I don't find the time as it is to read my own stuff!)
But it's great to see confidence in ones work, as long as it doesn't turn into argogance this will help you fuel your drive to get this commissioned.
I hope you do well from this "The Shop"
I would say post the script on here...let our imaginations set the scene and we can read the script for what it is and enjoy it. There was loads of good stuff in the pilot but it was stunted by people walking in silently, some cases of duff acting (sorry, but that ginger kid annoyed me). I would love to read a complete episode script and offer more feedback on it.
Good luck with it though, I got it all crossed for the future of The Shop...I'm writing something myself about a record store, would love to offer some support and first hand experience of customers (shudder) if you like?