British Comedy Guide

Crap comedy observations you hate

When observational comedy is good, is very good. When it's shit. It's utterly painful.

So what hilarious observations do you hate simply because they're not true?

First one is one of Bernard Manning's: 'These Indian people who are born over here and think they're English. It's like if a dog's born in a barn it thinks it's a horse?!'

No, Bernard. Because place of birth doesn't denote species, does it. It denotes legal nationality. So while the barn wouldn't change the species, location of the barn would change where the dog was registered. If I was born in a pond, that wouldn't make me a fish in any way, would it? But no, that vague sounding bit of racism works because you're telling it to idiots.

Number two is one of Billy Connolly's: 'I'd like to know what the first guy who found out you could milk cows was ACTUALLY trying to do?!?'

Well, Billy, given that human females lactate - like most mammals - and given he probably saw some calves suckling on the cow - maybe, just maybe, the bloke thought he'd see if it was drinkable? Do you think?

So what shitty observations do you hate?

I once saw a comedy routine, where guy says,

"So you're going to a party in the evening, so you don't eat all day cos you know there'll be food there. And you go there and all there is a huge ball of cheese covered in red wax. And it's like do you eat the wax or dump it...."

What the hell kind of a party is that?

I wasn't aware it was Connolly, but I've always quite liked that as a one-liner.

Quote: Seefacts @ December 16 2008, 8:06 PM GMT

Number two is one of Billy Connolly's: 'I'd like to know what the first guy who found out you could milk cows was ACTUALLY trying to do?!?'

Well, Billy, given that human females lactate - like most mammals - and given he probably saw some calves suckling on the cow - maybe, just maybe, the bloke thought he'd see if it was drinkable? Do you think?

He'd have been better off talking about eggs. What cavalier f**ker started that ball rolling?

Quote: sootyj @ December 16 2008, 8:11 PM GMT

I once saw a comedy routine, where guy says,

"So you're going to a party in the evening, so you don't eat all day cos you know there'll be food there. And you go there and all there is a huge ball of cheese covered in red wax. And it's like do you eat the wax or dump it...."

What the hell kind of a party is that?

:S

Anyone with an ounce of intellect eats before the party, on the basis that the food will probably be shit, or gone by the time you get to it if a buffet type dealie. Even I do that.

Quote: Aaron @ December 16 2008, 8:13 PM GMT

:S

Anyone with an ounce of intellect eats before the party, on the basis that the food will probably be shit, or gone by the time you get to it if a buffet type dealie. Even I do that.

You go to parties?

Rarely, and certainly not by choice.

Quote: Aaron @ December 16 2008, 8:15 PM GMT

Rarely, and certainly not by choice.

That line may have inspired an entire screenplay.

In a thread on rubbish comedy observations, that's gold.

Quote: Aaron @ December 16 2008, 8:15 PM GMT

Rarely, and certainly not by choice.

Do you get jiggy with it?

I can see Aaron doing The Running Man.

Quote: sootyj @ December 16 2008, 8:16 PM GMT

That line may have inspired an entire screenplay.

In a thread on rubbish comedy observations, that's gold.

'Aaron-The Movie'?! Ee gads man, spare us! What did the world ever do to you?!

Quote: David Bussell @ December 16 2008, 8:18 PM GMT

I can see Aaron doing The Running Man.

He pops it and locks it, I'm sure.

Quote: David Bussell @ December 16 2008, 8:18 PM GMT

I can see Aaron doing The Running Man.

Taking part in a futuristic gameshow where he and Arnie fight improbable gladiators?

Quote: Matthew Stott @ December 16 2008, 8:17 PM GMT

Do you get jiggy with it?

If that means sex, most certainly not.

Quote: David Bussell @ December 16 2008, 8:18 PM GMT

I can see Aaron doing The Running Man.

. . . ?

Quote: Aaron @ December 16 2008, 8:21 PM GMT

If that means sex, most certainly not.

It means to dance. According to Will Smith anyway. Get hip Granddad!

Then equally certainly not.

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