Feedback greatly appreciated-WebPilot of The Shop Page 2

Im grateful for all feedback - I know exaclty what you are saying!

A version without the laugh track is being sorted, and the bits where the story is established earlier is done in the opening scenes, but it was EXT, and we didnt have the budget for it!

Ben isnt that tall... I just think Kyle is quiet short actually!

We've already written in a new character who works at the boys local and is a regular in the shop, and that has added some more depth and quite a few laughs.

We also see Ben waking up with the girl from last night, andthat's a bit that we would have loved to put in the pilot, as it resolves the majority off issues about character interaction and adds alot of flow to the story... but keep your feedback coming... in the New Year, I will be posting the fully re-drafted script, with all of the points added in... and you can tell me if I've missed anything...

I promise to thank the members of sitcom.co.uk in the credits when it gets made!

I've just noticed another thing. At the very beginning, Simon says to Kyle angrily "What do you think you're doing, this isn't playtime you're supposed to be working!"
Why does he say that? Kyle wasn't doing anything to warrant that. It's very confusing.

Because simon takes himself too seriously... Im regretting not squeezing or waiting for more budget, and shooting a full version now!

Quote: The Shop @ December 16 2008, 12:23 AM GMT

because simon is a dick!

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Yeah Simon is a dick but there still needs to be a reason for him to say that line. If Kyle'd been messing around, juggling with a tin of beans or something, the line would've worked. ~But as it is it just leaves the viewer thinking "What's he on about?"

When you see him juggling tins of beans - you know where it came from ;-) lol

I'd like to add to the general consensus and say well done for getting this made. You'll have learned a lot from making it and when you move on to your next project you'll have a much better idea of what works and what doesn't. Right now your biggest problem is the script, which I suspect you could have spent a bit more time on. There just aren't enough laughs and the whole situation feels unreal. It strikes me that you've gone for the broadest audience possible by taking a golden age sitcom set-up and transplanting into the modern world. For me, it's a conceit that just doesn't ring true. I mean, are newsagents really run that way in this day and age? Maybe it's because I'm a londoner *twangs braces* but I can't remember the last time I shopped in a place like that run by white people who weren't Polish. I just got the impression that you wanted to combine Open All Hours with Clerks and this is what you wound up with.

It is because you're a Londoner ;-)

Quote: The Shop @ December 16 2008, 11:34 AM GMT

It is because you're a Londoner ;-)

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Well luv a duck!

I only watched a minute and there were no jokes despite one character exchange and a short speech from the bald guy. Sorry but you're gonged off. Jokes are oxygen. You need one immediately you start - even if it's a bit lame. Then another. If the viewer thinks you will be serving them up - even tepid - they might stick around in the hope of a hot one. nothing and you're dead on your arse.

ok

So im thinking I might take the pilot down! people don't seem to understand that its not the full version. the opening of the show, is quite different to what we have now, but had to cut it down due to budget!

All im really asking is that do you think with some work that's the show as a whole could work.

It's all very well and good you telling us there's another beginning that's hysterical but we can only critique what you've given us. Honest feedback of the type people have offered is the best thing you could be getting right now. Whether it works as a show or not is up to you to decide.

i know - im just frustrated that I don't have a perfect one to show you!

Quote: The Shop @ December 16 2008, 6:17 PM GMT

ok

So im thinking I might take the pilot down! people don't seem to understand that its not the full version. the opening of the show, is quite different to what we have now, but had to cut it down due to budget!

All im really asking is that do you think with some work that's the show as a whole could work.

View original

Take it down. Nobody cares how you would film it. They won't hire you to do so on the evidence. Starting off with produced by written by and directed by smacks strangely of amateurism unless it is realy good. Concentrate on the characters and their real relationships would be my advice, they don't seem real and the static nature of the set and the way you have filmed it doesn't help. And when you say you have professional actors - get some professional actors would be my advice rather than people who will do it for free for a credit. As someone said pay attention to the script. That's the thing. As someone else once said.

Mind I reccomend rewriting the script and posting bits of it in critique.

You'll find us generous and good natured.......

Just watched it, very brave of you to do this and then put it on here to be judged. I just think it didn't work on any level, badly acted and just not funny at all. I don't like slagging others off but you did ask. It's made me look at my own sit-com now and made me think is mine funny enough to be filmed in the same way. I would like to think though no matter how badly acted out a script is, if it's written well enough the humour will still jump out, sorry, I'm just being honest.