Feedback greatly appreciated-WebPilot of The Shop

You guys are the industry, and we would love and welcome your feedback....

I'll say this first due to feedback - this isn't a full episode, and we couldn't add in all of what we wanted due to budgets being supertight - a full script is available - we are trying to get a feel for potential :-) the full script flows alot better, and more is done with character interaction etc :-)

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The Shop (working title) is a sitcom which is set; you guessed it, in a shop. The WebPilot follows the main characters Kyle (James Boyle), and his best friend Ben (Liam Dixon) as they get themselves into, and try to get out, of a variety of problems and situations. This is all over-looked by the moody and ever so informative boss, Simon (Paul Newbery).

In the WebPilot episode, Kyle finds out that he has to meet his girlfriend, Megan's (Lex Donovan) parents for the first time – even though they have been engaged for over a year! He and Ben try to think of a plan to get out of the encounter. Will they manage to think of a good enough plan, or will he listen to Simon's great advice...?

We have made a low budget test episode for online use, using professional actors. Unfortunately due to budget constraints, we were unable to include some of the characters, sub-plots and external scenes that were originally planned for the pilot – if you would be interested in reading the full script, please send me a message!

HTTP://WWW.THESHOPSITCOM.CO.UK

We have tested the pilot episode on a cross-section of demographics, ages ranging from 16-35 across the U.K. The feedback that we have received has been very promising! But you, the members of sitcom.co.uk are the critics and the professionals we need to impress the most!

If you an agent or producer and require our full media pack including both a full pilot script (including further EXT & INT scenes) and 'potential series guide' (S1, E2-13); Then please drop me an email liam@theshopsitcom.co.uk

Cheers

everyone at The Shop!

Got 5 minutes into it.

It looks very slick and you've obviously put a lot of effort into it.

But joke ratio is to low and the script feels stilted.

Also no where near enough laughs coming from character interactions.

And the laugh track is annoying.

Did like the fork handles gag though.

Yeah - I wasnt happy with postprod when they put the laugh track on... there is alot more jokes in the full script, and the characters fit together better, as we can have the EXT scenes as well

do you think it has potential tho sooty?

Well I'm no genius on sitcom.

I could see it, but the writing could be slicker.

Fork handles, kid returning lollipops etc liked that. But jokes could be tighter and not enough interaction/situation jokes.

Well you'll be pleased to know we have a new writer (with alot more ideas and experience), who has been working super hard :-)

Good stuff, the whole thing has a very professional feel.

thanks - we made it on nearly no money, including building the set, and paying the actors (who took it on the potential of the script) and everything else... was tight and we used what we had!

I know in my heart that with a good production company and team behind us, we can really take it places!

I agree on laugh tracks and also too much lag between interaction.

I'm still going through it. But it's taking forever to stream. Can you do a low-res version for wanky PCs like mine?

Echo SootyJ's comments and there's no sign of a plot beginning to emerge at 4 mins in. Normally industry bods would expect to see a key plot line delivered early in the first scene, and beats to follow in every scene afterward.

Ill get on to the web designer asap! Sorry about that, I was assured it was the best one to use :-(

Every comment that is posted will be taken on board, and the latest script will be adjusted accordingly

BTW, it is very very well-produced considering the cash budget. The Slaggs would die to have production values of that standard.

u don't even wanna know how low it was!

As a Welsh boy myself, you think its worth me posting on welsh writers?

What you're doing is to be admired, certainly. Filming a sitcom yourself is a brave thing to do.

But this feels very stilted at the moment. The pacing's all wrong - much too slow for the most part.

But a little breakdown. I'll give you a few thoughts as I watch it if that's okay.

Firstly, there's no plot established early on. In a traditional sitcom format like this you need to hook the viewer in to the story in the first two or three pages of the script. As far as I can see you're 8 minutes in before you start getting around to introducing the story of the week, ie: the Megan story. This should have been established in minute 1 or 2, not minute 8.

Secondly, you really need to get rid of that ghastly laughter track. Seriously, it's very annoying indeed and has been done extraordinarily badly.

The dialogue's quite strange in parts too. For instance Kyle kept calling the kid "Kid" as in "Kid, it's just a lollipop", "Kid, I'm going to call the police" etc. It's just not believable. You wouldn't call a random kid "kid" in real life.

What was the guy for who came in for a Coke at 10:00? He had nothing to contribute and didn't need to be there.

The bit where the kid returns with his Mother who offers a two grand bribe is too unbelievable and doesn't really fit in with the world you're trying to portray.

Again, a guy comes in to buy a pint of milk but doesn't serve any purpose to the story. I know exactl;y what you're trying to do here, attempting to make this feel like a living breathing shop, but you really don't need to do this. If you're going to have customers come in, make a joke out of it like you did with the four candles gag earlier. Otherwise it's an annoying distraction.

Also, is Ben a giant? When he stands up his head is actually out of frame.

Good points. I quite like Soup Man. If he'sd got more to him, he'd be a good amusing returnable character.

I like Simon. He's by far the funniest character in a 1970s John Inman type of way.

But generally, the whole thing needs more jokes, more happening, and quicker.

Hope this critique isn't too stinging - like I say I really admire you for having the gumption to get off your arse and actually make the thing - but at the moment it's not doing you any favours.

was going to comment but it's all above!

looks SUPERB.....just nothing to laugh at.

I can't really add to what's been said but good job.