Scene 1 from the Sitcom I'm working on Page 2

Quote: David Chapman @ July 5, 2007, 11:39 PM

How about the bridge is really old and rickety and creaks like anything as he slowly, anxiously crosses and when he eventually gets over the bridge it's like he's in the 13th century.

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See that's not what the show is going to be like, it's not really about the town so much, it's about the family business and the character seperate plotlines. I think if it was focused on the town been backward and stuff then it would be too much like the LOG.

Thanks for all the feedback though guys.

Quote: JohnnyD @ July 6, 2007, 7:51 AM

I thought saying "Oh, by the way can you swim?" to someone about to cross a rickety bridge was very weak - like something from G & S.
I also thought Vic 'kidding' was out of character, here. If it is in character, I would have had earlier:

VIC
As safe as houses. (mutters) As safe as The Houses of Parliament on the day of Salman Rushdie's investiture.

Best.

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Yeah I wasn't sure if the "Can you swim?" line was slightly out of character. The original line was "You might need this (then he hands Mr Walker a rubber ring)", so in that instance he's not trying to hide the fact that the bridge is dangerous. But the "Can you swim?" line and then his "just kidding" are a little off I agree, thanks for pointing that out.

The Houses of Parliament line is good but I don't think it would be something Vic would say, he's a guy who's spent most of his life living in a toll booth I don't think political satire is his strong point. And also the 'safe as houses' line comes back into play later in the script.

Quote: Martin Holmes @ July 6, 2007, 10:38 AM

.. he's a guy who's spent most of his life living in a toll booth I don't think political satire is his strong point. And also the 'safe as houses' line comes back into play later in the script.

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OK. I was hoping that, maybe, the chess was revealing some intellectual depths below the rough exterior. Nonetheless, 'safe as houses' is pretty lame without an immediate spin.

Best.

This is good stuff, Martin. It has a lot of potential... and I like the characters already... which is no mean feat.

I'm not sure what JohnnyD means when he comments on the 'safe as houses' line. Why does that have to be the joke there? It's much more subtle... and funnier, in my opinion, with the cut back to the pad with the two number plates on it.

As long as 'safe as houses' doesn't become a catch-phrase...

And as for the chess game revealing 'intellectual depths'... er, Vic lost, right?

Still... horses for courses and all that.

Great start... can't wait to see more.

Quote: Darren Goldsmith @ July 6, 2007, 1:11 PM

This is good stuff, Martin. It has a lot of potential... and I like the characters already... which is no mean feat.

I'm not sure what JohnnyD means when he comments on the 'safe as houses' line. Why does that have to be the joke there? It's much more subtle... and funnier, in my opinion, with the cut back to the pad with the two number plates on it.

As long as 'safe as houses' doesn't become a catch-phrase...

And as for the chess game revealing 'intellectual depths'... er, Vic lost, right?

Still... horses for courses and all that.

Great start... can't wait to see more.

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Thanks Darren. Rest assure the 'safe as houses' line will not be a catchphrase Basically later on when Walker is in his car he hears on the Radio of a "house collapsing" nearby, so its not an in your face gag, it's one of those you have to pick up. And yeah Vic lost the chess.

Yeah this is a good beginning, I thought cutting to the quick visual jokes like the number plates, Thai-Girl69 etc. were very good. To me they had a Simpsons-esque quality to them which is good.

Quote: Darren Goldsmith @ July 6, 2007, 1:11 PM

I'm not sure what JohnnyD means when he comments on the 'safe as houses' line.

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I think it is better to avoid using such hackneyed phrases (even though 'real' people say them) unless you're going to 'work' with them.

Quote: Darren Goldsmith @ July 6, 2007, 1:11 PM

And as for the chess game revealing 'intellectual depths'... er, Vic lost, right?

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I didn't realise that the computer was at a 'low-skill' setting. I was enjoying the idea of a battle of the brains against such an incongruous name.

Quote: ShoePie @ July 6, 2007, 2:19 PM

Yeah this is a good beginning, I thought cutting to the quick visual jokes like the number plates, Thai-Girl69 etc. were very good. To me they had a Simpsons-esque quality to them which is good.

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Thanks mate, that's an extremely good compliment.

JohnnyD I don't really see the point your getting at. Why does "safe as houses" have to be funny immediately? It's not like I've made it stand out in anyway so that you would expect a joke immediately? The same with the chess thing that's happening in the background, the joke doesn't have to come immediately because you've already got the joke of "You think he's tapping away at a computer looking at this Number Plate system - but then you find out he's playing online chess and the number plate system is just scribbles on a notepad", so the ThaiGirl69 doesn't need another joke straight away.

That comes back up in around Scene 4 I think, in a way that is all better for it in my opinion.

Martin,
I was hoping that, from the quote in my first post and from an exchange we had on the Gavin and Stacey thread, you would realise that I was parodying the nit-picking disection of G&S on that thread.
G&S was three hours and I had 1 minute to work with here!
But, heyho, I inadvertently came up with a useful suggestion and wrote a corking simile.

Best.

Okay Johnny.

Good little scene, obviously too little to give a good overall judgement, and I also had a faint wiff of the L of G when reading it, but as youve all ready said, this first impression would quickly be dispelled as you read on. So good first page or so, would be interested to see more.

Martin, I thought that this was an excellent start, though obviously nothing like as good as Gavin & Stacey.. yak yak. I think it's a bit cheeky to post so little though. Get some more up, young man!

This exchange seems a little bit clunky:

MR WALKER
So this accident, were many people injured?

VIC
Around 30.

MR WALKER
Eh?

VIC
It was a coach trip organised by a nearby hospital for A&E recoverers.

Wouldn't it be more usual to ask if anyone was injured, rather than how many? Most people would assume it was a car-full - ie two.

Anyway, don't want to criticise too much because I though it was excellent – truly. Well done.

P/S is this the one with the mind-bending stage directions?

Quote: Godot Taxis @ July 9, 2007, 5:24 AM

Martin, I thought that this was an excellent start, though obviously nothing like as good as Gavin & Stacey.. yak yak. I think it's a bit cheeky to post so little though. Get some more up, young man!

This exchange seems a little bit clunky:

MR WALKER
So this accident, were many people injured?

VIC
Around 30.

MR WALKER
Eh?

VIC
It was a coach trip organised by a nearby hospital for A&E recoverers.

Wouldn't it be more usual to ask if anyone was injured, rather than how many? Most people would assume it was a car-full - ie two.

Anyway, don't want to criticise too much because I though it was excellent – truly. Well done.

P/S is this the one with the mind-bending stage directions?

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Yeah I suppose you're right with the "Were many people injured?" response, think I'll edit that, thanks.

And yes this is the one I was asking for lots of stage directions for, the next scene is the one where the stage directions start and it's quite long, that's why I didn't post that as well. I thought I'd just drop a taster for now. Glad you enjoyed it though.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/2388#33815

^ There's the next couple of scenes.