Scene 1 from the Sitcom I'm working on

Well I expect to come in for a lot of 'harsh' criticism with this seeing as my dislike of recent sitcoms such as Roman's Empire and Gavin & Stacey riled some forum members up, so I'm sure they'll be out to dismiss my attempts. This sitcom is written by myself and Dylan Taylor.

Joking aside, here are some jokes:

The sitcom is currently under the title 'Welcome To Stripe', it's based around the family and staff who run a small service stop in a desolate British countryside town, numerous plots interweaving in and out of each other, involving phobias, honeymoons, smoking, young love, business closure and obsession brought to life by a large cast of characters, a cantankarous Great-Grandfather, The humble family business man, The mature yet stubborn older daughter and her teenage son, The spoilt yet naive younger daughter and her phobia-laced husband, The lustful shop assistant and more . It's a sitcom with an element of mystery in it aswell, Mr Walker a visitor to the town breaks down and ends up lodging at the families home, but there is more to him than meets the eye. The first scene sees Mr Walker arriving in Stripe. (Note - the chess stuff is highlighted as it is a call-forward to a future joke in the episode)

SCENE 1. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE ROAD – DAY [8:00]

We see a dusty, rusty sign on the side of a country road that reads “Welcome To Stripe – Services 10 Miles”. In front of the sign is a small toll booth, it has a huge SATELLITE DISH on top of it. Inside is a greasy looking man named VIC ROBERTS. Next to the booth is a barricade blocking entrance to a rickety bridge extended above a river.

A black car pulls up to the toll booth. MR WALKER in the car winds down the window, he is wearing dark shades, leather jacket and has a cigarette in hand.

VIC
Welcome to Stripe.

MR WALKER
Are you telling me I've got to pay a toll to
cross that bridge?

We can only see the top half of VIC through the open window of his booth. We hear him tapping away at a keyboard.

VIC
You're not from round these parts are you?

MR WALKER
What?

VIC
Your number plate didn't show up on the system.

MR WALKER
(laughs) You have a number plate system?

We cut to a shot of a notepad with the words “NUMBER PLATES” scribbled on it, there are only two number plates written down. We then see VIC full in his booth tapping away at a keyboard, he is playing online CHESS on an old fashioned PC.

VIC
Yes.....(shouts at the computer) Damn you!

On the computer screen it reads “CHECKMATE – THAI-GIRL69 WINS – BEST OUT OF 3?”.

MR WALKER
Look mate, you should be paying me to cross that
thing. Are you sure it's safe?

VIC
As safe as houses! Only one vehicle has had an
accident on that bridge in the past 10 years.

MR WALKER
And how many vehicles have crossed that bridge
in the past 10 years?

VIC
Err...a few.

We cut to a shot of the “NUMBER PLATES” notepad again showing just the two number plates written on it.

MR WALKER
So this accident, were many people injured?

VIC
Around 30.

MR WALKER
Eh?

VIC
It was a coach trip organised by a nearby hospital for A&E recoverers.

MR WALKER
(hands Vic the toll money) Okay lift her up.

VIC
Oh, by the way can you swim? Only kidding! (looks nervous but tries to disguise it)

VIC comes out of his booth and manually lifts up the barricade. MR WALKER drives off into the distance.

Quote: Martin Holmes @ July 5, 2007, 5:34 PM

VIC
As safe as houses! Only one vehicle has had an
accident on that bridge in the past 10 years.

MR WALKER
And how many vehicles have crossed that bridge
in the past 10 years?

VIC
Err...a few.

We cut to a shot of the “NUMBER PLATES” notepad again showing just the two number plates written on it.

MR WALKER
So this accident, were many people injured?

VIC
Around 30.

MR WALKER
Eh?

VIC
It was a coach trip organised by a nearby hospital for A&E recoverers.

View original

That bit is great.

I like this. Especially the 2 car gag and the swimming line but the stranger in a backward isolated community is going to draw huge comparisons to League of Gentlemen (which IMO isn't a bad thing but in commissioners' minds this isn't so good) so you need to stamp the difference between LOG and your scenario very quickly to avoid it getting dismissed as too similar.

I suspect that your setup is an inversion of LOG where the stranger is the evil one rather than the innocent stranger being tossed into the nightmare of R.Vassey. If so, establish it faster.

Not a bad start David.

I liked the pad joke and it had an overall mysterious sort of feel to it.

Now as a comedy fan this is probably sacrilege to admit it but I've only ever seen clips of the League of Gentlemen so I'm not saying yours is like it because I don't know really, but the bits I have seen had faint echoes.

Well written and I read though it easily without trying to skip to the end.

It would need more to be posted though to help readers form a true opinion but overall I liked it.

B

PS The League of Gentlemen comparison may be me talking bollocks. I'm a fluent speaker.

EDIT

SlagA's beaten me to it.

Quote: SlagA @ July 5, 2007, 5:45 PM

I like this. Especially the 2 car gag and the swimming line but the stranger in a backward isolated community is going to draw huge comparisons to League of Gentlemen (which IMO isn't a bad thing but in commissioners' minds this isn't so good) so you need to stamp the difference between LOG and your scenario very quickly to avoid it getting dismissed as too similar.

I suspect that your setup is an inversion of LOG where the stranger is the evil one rather than the innocent stranger being tossed into the nightmare of R.Vassey. If so, establish it faster.

View original

Ah the next scene after quickly takes away any comparison to LOG, I'll post that at another time. With LOG first off it was more a a sketch show, plus it was extremely dark with horrible characters (I don't mean as in badly written I mean like 'monster' type characters). My sitcom isn't about that, the characters aren't really backward or isolated they can leave whenever they wish, there's only really the older character who is a bit out of touch with reality but that's just his character trait and also it isn't about a mysterious town, it's mainly about this family business and the staff trying to keep their business going, which is the other main plot of the town councillor trying to close down the business. But the Walker character is not going to be like Benjamin from LOG, lost in this sick and twisted town. He has been sent here to retrieve something, but I don't want to let on too much, he also gets involved in a relationship with one of the main characters, so yeah its very different from LOG.

But thanks for crit, it's got me wondering if I should swap my Scene 1 and Scene 2 around, because Scene 2 is so not LOG. But I can see how Scene 1 on its own and with me saying it's set in a desolate town will draw comparisons straight away. Thanks.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ July 5, 2007, 5:45 PM

Not a bad start David.

View original

David?

Oops!

Sorry Martin

Quote: Blenkinsop @ July 5, 2007, 6:09 PM

Oops!

Sorry Martin

View original

No problem.

I liked it - made me laugh a lot - although I thought at the end when he manually lifts the barrier something else could happen too - sorry I'm trying to think but I can't at the moment. Wait til 10.15

I like it, Martin. Some nice touches (e.g the gag about the number of coaches) and a good setting. The character decriptions are tight and have a great deal of comic potential.

Loved the set-up. Well written and mysterious.

I`m looking forward to reading more.

Another 'liked it' from me.

The League Of Gents thing came into my mind immediately too, but that may have been more to do with the fact that their town used to be called Spent (on the radio version). And Stripe is pretty similar.

How about the bridge is really old and rickety and creaks like anything as he slowly, anxiously crosses and when he eventually gets over the bridge it's like he's in the 13th century.

Yep, enjoyable start, made me smile. Very promising.

I can see your inspiration in the little setup intro thing

It wasn't enough for me to judge, especially if you say, the style changes after this scene.

But to judge this on it's own, I agree, the notepad joke is good. I can also see the LOG similarity, but if you move on quickly enough, you should be fine.

Quote: Martin Holmes @ July 5, 2007, 5:34 PM

Well I expect to come in for a lot of 'harsh' criticism with this seeing as my dislike of recent sitcoms such as Roman's Empire and Gavin & Stacey ..

View original

I thought saying "Oh, by the way can you swim?" to someone about to cross a rickety bridge was very weak - like something from G & S.
I also thought Vic 'kidding' was out of character, here. If it is in character, I would have had earlier:

VIC
As safe as houses. (mutters) As safe as The Houses of Parliament on the day of Salman Rushdie's investiture.

Best.